The Feminist Breeder

Women are the Problem with Women

It’s been happening since the beginning of time.  Women stand in the way of their own progress.  When some women fought for the right to vote, other women opposed women suffrage – even going so far as releasing pamphlets like this one stating all the reasons why women should not have the right to vote.  Yeah…. WOMEN did that.

When some women fought for the right to hold a job without being subjected to sexual harassment and sexual violence, other women told those ladies to sit down and shut up, because they had jobs and they should count themselves lucky.  

And while some women fight for the right to safe, legal access to family planning services, other women fight to criminalize any woman who needs or wants these services.   

But today, there is a newly realized (but not newly practiced) form of social humiliation and injustice for women: Birth Rape.  And like with everything else, some women want to make these women victims all over again by denying that such thing exists.  

Birth rape is a term that many women apply to the treatment they may have suffered under the care of a maternity provider who forced, coerced, and/or threatened their way into a woman’s genitals without her expressed permission.  Make no mistake – this is a criminal act.  A woman whose provider performs procedures on her against her will is in violation of the law and the AMA and ACOG Codes of Ethics.  It is grounds for criminal assault charges, malpractice filings and loss of license.  Even in cases where a women may not suffer any long-term physical damage from the act, these incidents can cause extreme physical and emotional trauma on a woman.  These events can cause a woman to develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or suffer from long term anxiety, depression, and fear.  These events should not be tolerated by a civilized society.  

But they are.  Why?  Because some women refuse to acknowledge the suffering.  Instead, they blame the mother for her feelings.  They tell her “at least you had a healthy baby, who cares what happened in the process?”  They so eloquently tell her to “shut the fuck up” when she talks about her genitals being forcibly touched, entered, or even cut open.  They tell her that she is not allowed to call what happened to her “rape” – and that her attacker “had the best of intentions” so they couldn’t possibly be to blame.  They marginalize her – the way women have always done to other women when they don’t understand, empathize, or care what has been done to them.  It is too difficult to see the truth, so they choose not to.  

But don't get me wrong - A woman does not have to experience any negative feelings from a cesarean, or any other type of birth for that matter.  Furthermore, a mother does not have to experience any type of forced non-consensual treatment to feel a great sense of loss or depression over an unhappy birth experience.  A mother is entitled to feel anything she needs to about the birth she had.  It is HER birth.  HER feelings.  HER right.   

But so many women will not allow a mother to have negative feelings about her own birth experience.  And of course, this upsets me a great deal.  Unrecognized and untreated feelings of loss, depression, and/or violation can send a mother spiraling deeper into an emotional chokehold.  Her very real, and very justifiable feelings are invalidated by some uneducated and ignorant voices.  She may feel isolated, misunderstood, and shamed.  Some women never have children again because they cannot bear to revisit the scene of the attack (i.e. a hospital.)  Some women choose to give birth without the supervision of any care provider whatsoever because they cannot trust anyone to keep them safe.  Some rise up and empower themselves to achieve a birth experience that helps heal their wounds.  And some women try again, only be set up to fail by a system that does not respect their need for bodily integrity or autonomy.  

No woman should have to feel violated during her birth.  And I will not rest until this very real epidemic has the recognition that every other act of sexual misconduct has.  If the suffragists or the Lois Jensens of the world agreed to “Shut the fuck up” because some ignorant women didn’t want to rock the boat, imagine where we’d be today.     

Whether you are a doctor who thinks they have the right to violate women’s bodies against their will, or you are another woman who believes that doctors should have the right to do whatever they want to other women, I only have to say this:  NO MEANS NO – regardless of the medical degree.    

______________________________

If you are a mother who has suffered some form of birth trauma, or unresolved feelings about a negative birth experience, please know that you are not alone. Help is out there.  Here are a few resources to help you begin healing:  

Solace for Mothers – Healing after Traumatic Childbirth

International Cesarean Awareness Network – Cesarean Recovery and VBAC Support

Citizens for Midwifery – Article on filing a formal complaint against a provider

BirthCut – “The Ax Forgets, the Tree Remembers”

The Unnecesarean – A Resource for the Latest in Maternity News, Studies, and Information

No, Formula is Not "Fine"

As the #NestleFamily scandal unfolded, you saw twitterers from all over the country weighing in on the debate.  Some made it very clear that the problem we have with Nestle is their unethical business practices, just one being their blatant violation of the World Health Organization's marketing codes for infant formula.  In case you're wondering why that's a big deal, understand  that an estimated 1.3 million children die each year from not being breastfed, especially in developing worlds (but not only in developing worlds - many right here in this country.)  A few years back, it was discovered that a Unicef effort to encourage formula feeding in Botswana (as a misguided  and fatally flawed attempt to limit the transmission of HIV from mother to baby) resulted in children dying in 20 times the usual numbers.  Horrifying results.  But even though most of the NestleFamily twitter debaters tried hard to keep this issue from turning into a breast vs. formula debate, others Twitter Debaters insisted that Nestle's WHO Code violation was a non-issue because "my kid was formula fed and he/she is fine."

I have a huge problem with this sort of statement.  To say any formula fed child is "fine" is to argue that formula is "fine", ergo "the same as breastmilk" - and that is an outright falsehood.  People making these statements think that because their formula fed child isn't limping around the schoolyard, slurring their ABC's, then this is evidence that formula is a perfect substitute for breastmilk.  You'll find people like BackPacking Dad on Twitter making jokes like "Formula causes scurvy, leukemia, and libertarianism. Breast-feeding gives babies x-ray vision."  Very thoughtful and helpful, dude.  That was funny how he used sarcasm to undermine the real science and evidence we have on the effects of formula feeding.  Wow, what a totally smart argument.  (See, I can be sarcastic too.) ;)

First off, breastmilk protects children again unseen enemies like childhood leukemia and type 1 and 2 diabetes.  It also protects against asthma, dermatitis, and obesity, just to name a few things.  The next intensely important benefit of breastfeeding is that it helps protect mothers against breast cancer, ovarian cancer, Type 2 diabetes, and Post-Partum Depression.  No formula in the world can even attempt to offer those kinds of benefits to mothers.

If formula feeding puts women and children at greater risk for short term or long term health issues, then how in the world is that "fine."  It's not. Stop kidding yourself.

But here is where some people argue that mothers face such pressure to breastfeed that we need to lay off the "Breast is Best" mantra and support whatever choice they make.  To that I say "Give Me A Break."  Pressure to breastfeed?  Laughable.  According to the CDC, in 2008 only 7.2% of American Infants were breastfed exclusively to age 6 months.  That's it.  Shocking, isn't it?  7.2% of infants were fed according to the guidelines set forth by pediatric health experts.  So who in the world are these people supposedly pressuring women to breastfeed?  I see 10 ads a day for formula on television.  ZERO for breastfeeding.  I see a new article every week about some woman who was harassed or kicked out of an establishment for breastfeeding her child, and yet not a single woman has ever been kicked out of anywhere for formula feeding.  Does Not Happen.  You can't open any parenting magazine without seeing ads for infant formula splashed on every 3rd page.  We live in a Formula-Pushing world.  In 2008, only 62% of babies in this country were EVER breastfed and only 58% are still getting at least some breastmilk by the time they leave the hospital.  Only 20% of children in this country are given breastmilk all the way to 12 months of age, which is the minimum suggested by the American Academy of Pediatrics - (the World Health Organization actually suggests until at least 24 months.)  Our breastfeeding rates are dismal, and they speak for themselves.  So nobody is going to convince me that women are facing such pressure to breastfeed.  If you are facing pressure to breastfeed, either count yourself lucky, or turn 5 degrees in another direction and you'll find swarms of people waiting to give you free formula and a big pat on the back.

When my 10 lb second son was born, I couldn't throw a nursing pad without hitting someone who tried to convince me I'd never be able to breastfeed this child.  He's 17 months and I'm still nursing him today, no thanks to most of the people around me.  That picture to the right is the stack of formula sitting behind the desk at my own pediatrician's office.  If you go into the office with a breastfeeding struggle, you're given some formula.  It's like going to an AA meeting and being sent home with a 6-pack of beer, "just in case."  Even my pro-breastfeeding husband got frustrated one night and said "Just give him formula!" (and yes, he nearly lost an eye for that.)  If I hadn't been able to seek out hardcore breastfeeding help on these here internets, or from the few women I know who weren't afraid to give me that extra push, I'm sure I would have given up on us.  And it would have broken my heart.  I gave up breastfeeding my first son after 4 weeks because everyone convinced me I'd be so much "happier" if I just started formula feeding. They were WRONG.  I was not happier.  I was horribly depressed about it, and it certainly was NOT because society made me feel what I did was wrong.  Breastfeeding was a huge, painful struggle for Jonas and I, but if I'd had the support to make it through I know I/we would be better off today. The well meaning people around me did nothing but contribute to my failure, and I think it is partly out of ignorance, and partly to make themselves feel better about not breastfeeding their own child.

Why else would parents, knowing all the science and knowing it is a sub-par feeding solution, run around telling everybody else it's "fine?"  I formula fed, yes, I did.  But do I sit here pretending that what I did was perfectly the same as breastfeeding?  Absolutely not.  I would never, ever tell another mother that either.  What kind of favor is that?

I'm not saying that formula hasn't been necessary in some situations, and I'm not saying I would shame another mother for doing what she had to do.  I don't have any problem with a mother who feels like she needs some help from formula, so long as she's making an informed choice on the matter.  But I will not sit idly by and listen to mothers try to drag other mothers and babies down with false information, or even well-meaning misguidance.  As Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan famously said "You are entitled to your opinion.  But you are not entitled to your own facts."

For people who'd try to use their own anecdotes to convince others that their formula-fed kids turned out fine, all I can think is "Okay, we'll see" OR "Good for you, 1.3 million other kids this year weren't so lucky."

Breast IS Best - and no amount of tip-toeing around the subject is going to make that fact go away.  So I'm not going to tip-toe.  And if you don't like it, I'll give you the address for my pediatrician's office where you get all the free infant formula you can carry.  You will have no trouble at all finding formula-feeding support.  Look around you.  93% of the babies around you are being formula-fed by their mothers.

_____________________

Updated to add: After some commentors drew my attention to this article, I would like to change my language to say, no, breast is not just "best".. breast is in fact the standard, and anything else is simply subpar.

Why Don’t Men Have a Choice? (Part 2 of 2)

Some time back I enjoyed a thought provoking post by a blogger I admire.  I don’t want to make her uncomfortable by naming her outright, because in this post I am going to (gently, if I can) disagree with what she said (scratch that, she's given me permission to name her, so if you want to see who it is, make with the clicky-click on that link).  I’m glad she posted what she did, because it was not something I had ever thought too much about before reading her position on it.

In her post (and I’m paraphrasing here) this blogger expressed her annoyance with people who had always asked what she wanted to “be” when she grew up.  She claimed she had always wanted to be a mother.  End of story.  Simply put, she never wanted a career, unless that career was being a Mom.  And she felt that anyone who thought that she needed a life plan outside of motherhood was being critical and disrespectful.  After all, feminism is about the choice to be a mother or not, right?

I certainly think it’s just fine if a family agrees that one partner should stay home with the children.  Sounds totally fair to me.  Marriage is a partnership, and families need to figure out what works best for them.

But what I find problematic about her position is this: How can you decide you’re going to be a mother when you grow up – and not a wage earner – before you find the person who’s going to give you babies and support you?  Do you know of a single man who got to decide this for himself as a child?  With women, it’s expected that they should have this choice. With men, it’s expected that they won’t.

Picture this:  Teacher asks a little boy what he wants to be when he grows up.

Little boy says:  "A Stay at Home Dad."

Teacher says:  "Okay, you want to be a husband and a father – great, admirable even – but what do you want to do, like, for money?"

Little boy says:  "Nothing.  I only want to be a house-husband."

Teacher: "Okay son, but you really need a backup plan."

Why does he need a backup plan?  Well, not to be insensitive, but his plans in life rely on a whole lot of things that are entirely out of his control lining up perfectly for him.  What if he doesn’t find a wife?  What if they can’t have children?  What if the person he falls deeply in love with either cannot support him, or she had decided at age 9 that she wanted to be the one to stay home?  Who gets to stay home?  Or what if his perfect wife loses her ability to work?   What then?   And let’s say all these things work out perfectly for the little boy.  What does he do in the meantime?  You know, that time between age 18 and whenever you meet your spouse?  Surely he needs to make some cash while he’s waiting for Mrs. Right (and their offspring) to come along?  Right?

But come on.  Boys don’t get this choice.  Okay, in some progressive relationships they do (like how mine started out) but this is not a societal norm.  The fact is, when kids come along, and one person can afford to stay home, it’s usually assumed by everyone on the block that it will be the mom.  People say “It’s her choice – that’s what feminism is all about.”  But where was Daddy’s choice in the matter?  Nobody ever mentions that Daddy should have gotten the option as well.

But why?  Some would argue that mom is better at it, and I would say that is just not true in our house.  My husband is just as good of a parent as I am.  In some ways, he’s better.  He’s more patient, and less jumpy.   He doesn’t handle the minutiae the way my Type-A, over-achieving, aggressive personality does, but he’s also a lot more temperate and rational than I am.  Who says the kids would be worse off with him (or any dad) at home?

I find the whole argument that “feminism is about choice” problematic in and of itself.  That’s all I’m saying.  I can’t quite figure out the solution to what I see as an unbalance, I just want to acknowledge that it’s there, and it’s strange to me.

These two posts aren’t meant to be any sort of hard line political statement on the issue (though I’m quite certain some people will read something into them and send me hate mail anyway.)  They are merely meant to be a written catharsis about my guilt over quitting my job and subsequently putting all of the burden on my husband to pay the bills.  Maybe if he made more money, and my joblessness was barely noticeable to our finances, I might not feel so bad.  But when everyone talks about how feminism gave me the right to stay home with my kids, the equalist part of me just wants to know what sort of movement will give Dads the right to do the same thing? 

I started to write a long list of things I think our society could do to “even” out the parenting roles, but I’m more interested in what you all have to say about this.  Tell me – can you imagine a world where it was okay, expected even, for a boy to grow up with only the dream of becoming a Stay-at-Home-Dad?  What do you make of that world?

(Before you comment, I will say that we can probably have a truly intellectual little conversation about this providing that nobody decides to take this as some attack on their Stay-at-Home-Mommyness.  It's okay to be comfortable with your choice, but to also question the meat and potatoes of that choice at the same time.  That's what I'm doing, and I hope you'll join me.)

When Reporters Listen to Lactivists

Yesterday I complained to anyone who would listen about a Chicago reporter inaccurately stating Illinois breastfeeding laws in reference to a breastfeeding in public story.  I was up at 2 a.m. this morning writing email exchanges with the reporter on the story in an effort to talk her into realizing the gravity of her inaccuracies.  At first she felt that Illinois state law didn't apply here, but I explained how important it is that Illinois breastfeeding protection laws are accurately cited in any case of breastfeeding discrimination so those listening to the story know their boundaries, and realize that this issue is a matter of law, and should be treated with sensitivity.

Thankfully, she listened, and when CBS 2 covered the story again today, she changed her language to respect the protections afforded to nursing mothers in Illinois.

Today all of Chicago's major news outlets covered the Nurse-In organized by Lauren Trost, which was attended by 60 mothers as well as representatives of the Le Leche League.  I think this has to be one of the most positive outcomes from an otherwise negative experience that I have seen in years.  Perhaps the tide is turning - but I think we owe a lot of this to the power of strong legislation that grants freedom through protection.  This couldn't have happened in a state that doesn't protect a mother's right to nurse in public, and it would have been a whole lot more debatable in any state that only has weak language on the subject.

But watch the video on the story - it will make any lactivist's heart swell up with pride over what Lauren & the Lactivists (that should be a band name) were able to accomplish.  Take one breastfeeding bill, add one jerk who doesn't know their place, then multiply it times all the social media outlets who will make a rally cry go viral, and you have some serious social change.  This is why I keep trying.  Now let's get this Breastfeeding Promotion Act passed and we can really make some progress!

Man, I luvs me some law.

Breastfeeding in Public Gets Shotty Reporting

Yesterday a Lincoln Square mother was harassed by a woman for breastfeeding her son in public.

Bad, right?  Yes. But what makes it worse? When the female reporter on the story, Suzanne Le Mignot,  doesn’t know enough about Illinois law to properly report on the subject.

From the story:

Trost says she always nurses her 7-month-old son discreetly in Lincoln Square. That's why she says she was stunned when a woman recently threatened her by saying:

"'I'm going to call the police, and then I said, 'please call the police,'" Trost said. "She said, 'what you're doing is indecent, there are children here.' And I said, 'I'm just feeding my baby.'"

Nursing a child in public is not against the law in Illinois. Trost says she's telling her story to reinforce that fact.

DEAR Ms. Le Mignot – nursing in public is not just “not against the law in Illinois,” it is, flat out PROTECTED by law.  In fact, Illinois SB 3211 provided one of the country’s strictest breastfeding protection laws in that it includes an actual enforcement provision, allowing a woman to sue any business who tried to deny her this right.

This is like saying “being handicapped is not against the law in Illinois.”  Hello? We have RIGHTS and PROTECTIONS.  That goes far beyond “not against the law.”

Please send your letters of disapproval to CBS 2 News regarding Ms. Le Mignot’s underwhelming reporting capabilities.  I want them to update the story to include the actual laws, and not their poorly researched version.

Here’s the one I wrote:

Dear Susanne,

Regarding this morning's story about the breastfeeding incident in Lincoln Square, I request that you get your facts straight.

Breastfeeding in public is not only "not illegal" in the state of Illinois, but it is PROTECTED BY LAW.  In 2004, SB 3211 established "The Right to Breastfeed" act, which includes tough legislation protecting a woman's right to nurse anywhere she is authorized to be, and includes an enforcement provision allowing her to sue for damages if a business owner tried to stop her from breastfeeding in their establishment.

http://www.illinois.gov/PressReleases/ShowPressRelease.cfm?SubjectID=1&RecNum=3291

Breastfeeding is a hugely important and highly controversial topic, and it is your job as a reporter to dispel the confusion and set forth the facts when reporting on a story like this.

Section 10: Breastfeeding Location: A mother may breastfeed her baby in any location, public or private, where the mother is otherwise authorized to be, irrespective of whether the nipple of the mother's breast is uncovered during or incidental to the breastfeeding;

Section 15. Private right of action. A woman who has been denied the right to breastfeed by the owner or manager of a public or private location, other than a private residence or place of worship, may bring an action to enjoin future denials of the right to breastfeed. If the woman prevails in her suit, she shall be awarded reasonable attorney's fees and reasonable expenses of litigation.

Please update your language to reflect the protections that women are granted, rather than just implying that what they are doing isn't technically "illegal."

A Concerned Illinoisan

Now, somebody tell me how I can get ahold of Lauren Trost because I will nurse in Lincoln Square with her any day of the week.  I swear I know this woman, I just cannot place her.  Maybe we were in a mom's group together at some point.  She looks pretty rock-n-roll, and we're around the same age, so I bet she's probably a friend of a friend.

I Predict a Riot!

UPDATE TO THIS STORY:  Well, my friends, letter writing and lactivism works!  Check it out! I smell progress!

CyberStalking and CyberHarassment are a Crime

Here is the letter I have written to the radio stations who posted the cyber-stalkers comments about me on their website.  I expect that I will be filing a police report against them if they continue their behavior.  I'm taking out names and details to protect myself from any more threats.

 Station Managers/Radio Personnel of (radio station name here),

This is a letter formally demands the immediate discontinuation and removal of all cyber-harassment directed at me, (my name here), by any involved member of (radio station name here).  The hosts/staff of (radio station name here) have recently given a new outlet to a known cyber-stalker by the name of (stalker name here) who has been stalking me for 6 years, making them responsible for the promotion of cyber-harassment on (radio station name here) website.  This type of harassment is a crime under state law.

The material and communications directed at me have been reported, and legal action as begun against one (stalker name here), a known cyber-stalker, a person who this station(s) has assisted in her continued harassing behavior toward myself.  If the staff at (radio station name here) continue to support this individual's cyber-harassment by posting derogatory or defaming remarks against me on their internet properties, whether written by (stalker) or by their own staff, legal action will be taken.  I demand the harassing messages contained on the site be removed IMMEDIATELY.  If these are not removed within 24 hours, I will report these actions to the authorities who are handling my complaint against (stalker).

I have been advised to send you this formal communication to make my position clear, and demand that no further contact be made with me or any member of my family, by any physical or electronic means.  Any further communications either to me, or about me in a public forum, will constitute continued harassment.

If you have been the victim of cyber stalking or electronic harassment, whether or not the harassment involves any threats or physical contact, contact your local police department to file a report.  Then visit Wired Safety to see what other action you can take, and how to protect yourself against further attacks from this individual or others, and tips on how to make your case. To view the Cyber-Stalking legislation in your state, visit the National Conference of State Legislature website.

TFB Won't Be a Victim - You're Not Worth It (The Stalker Confirmed.)

I've talked before about the fact that I've been in some high-profile situations that left me bloodied and bruised by hateful gossip.

Well, I'm once again the subject of some internet hate- but this time I'm not bruised at all. I couldn't care less.  I'm surprisingly zen about the whole thing actually.  I think with age comes wisdom.  8 years ago I defended myself the way a 22 year old would.  Today, I prefer to let people rot in their own egregious idiocy.  This guy is begging for a virtual hand-job from me, and I'm not giving it to him. I already feel like I need one of those "Silkwood" showers to burn his stupidity off my flesh.  Just like when I played with Ms. Love, being in proximity to this makes me feel... icky.

I also know who this "source" of theirs was, and she is a psycho-stalker who we had to block from our band's Myspace page yeeeeeears ago because we were sensing a very "John Lennon/Mark David Chapman" vibe.  Veruca Salt also banned her from their forums because she was clearly totally mentally unstable, and I've also recently had to block her IP address from blog from and my Twitter account. She was desperate for attention, and this dude gave it to her.  Good for them.  Let them all rot in each other's insanity.

I do appreciate those who visited their bullshit and stuck up for me though.  Thanks guys.

UPDATE: The psycho-stalker has been confirmed as the source of the email to TheBlockFM.  I knew from the second I saw that email that it was her, she's been doing this kind of thing for 6-7 years, and when she realized I was onto her, she emailed them again and copied me.  She's Kathy Bates, yo.  She's "trying to help" me and just wants to "be a friend." Holy total insanity.  She must have gone off her medication today, and I'm really not kidding. If anyone knows whether I can file a restraining order on her because cyber-stalking, please let me know.  I know that she knows where I live, and claims to have family here (though she lives in Seattle.)  I also want to know if I can name TheBlockFM in any legal proceedings since they are aiding her behavior.  If she loses it and hurts my family, I want the courts to know they were involved.  Please make with the free legal advice peeps.

Breastfeeding Bigots on Twitter (and the radio)

I want to share a letter that I wrote today to the station managers at LA's 92.5 KYHY and 1490 WWPR in Tampa after one of their radio hosts used Twitter to bash a breastfeeding woman at a Dodgers game.

Dear Station Managers/Producers at  92.5 KYHY and 1490 WWPR,

I am sure that your stations are aware of the power and influence of social media outlets such as Twitter.  For this reason, I would expect that your stations may be interested in knowing if one of your radio personalities is using a social media platform to spout bigoted slurs toward a minority group, especially if that group is protected under state law.

Anyone following a certain term or “hashtag” on Twitter receives an alert when any member of Twitter mentions that term. When DJ Tim Mihalsky began his afternoon of hateful comments at a Dodgers game yesterday, people all over the world saw those comments, including me. 

Tim began attacking a woman, via Twitter, who was breastfeeding her baby at the Dodgers game calling her “crazy”, “rude”, saying that she had “no shame”, and insisting she “go in the back”.  What Tim Mihalsky fails to realize is that mothers who nurse in public are a protected status of individual under CA  and FL state law.  Section 43.3 of the California Civil Code, otherwise known as the “Right to Breastfeed in Public (1997)” states that  "…a mother may breastfeed her child in any location, public or private…where the mother and the child are otherwise authorized to be present."  Florida's law dictates the same. 

As of this morning, it appears a second BlockFM radio host, Cassie Williams, has also begun calling the act “rude.” 

CA, FL, and 40 other states enacted these laws to promote breastfeeding because it has been established by every respected medical organization in the world that breastfeeding is the best possible way to feed our children, protecting against everything from diabetes to cancer.  California and most other states in the nation have specific state law to promote and protect breastfeeding as a matter of public and economic health.

When confronted by breastfeeding mothers and advocates all over the world, Mihalsky first said he was “joking”, and then went on to defend his position on the subject and insist he was exercising “free speech.”

As a pre-law student, I believe in and defend the constitution.  However, there is a difference between “free speech” and “hate speech”, and a radio personality with a morning show in two of the largest markets of this country ought to exercise more social responsibility before sending hateful comments into Cyberspace for the millions of Twitter users to see.  What’s next?  Will we excuse it when he tells the Women/Blacks/Mexicans/Asians to “go in the back?”

On behalf of the effected minority group, and mothers everywhere, I ask that Mihalsky issue a retraction, and be trained on the social responsibility and use of Twitter as a radio personality.

Sincerely,

(your name here)

Please send this, or your own version of this letter, to manager@1490wwpr.com and info@925kyhy.com and copy the offenders themselves buzz@theblockfm.com.

Get your riot on, people.

UPDATE!: Tim and the BlockFM crew discussed their outrage over public breastfeeding, along with yours truly, on their morning show. Here's a link to the MP3.  http://bit.ly/qG80d So his bigotry has followed him onto the airwaves.  Lactivists Unite!

ANOTHER UPDATE!: The bigot's comments have gotten worse, aaaaand worse, and now he's decided to bring his co-host/female lawyer on today's show to bash breastfeeding some more (again, breastfeeding in public promoted and protected by her state's law.) Stay tuned for more details and another letter writing campaign. I won't be listening it (I may gag) but please report back to me if you do.

Breeding With the Enemy: My Story of Feminist Conversion

This is the story of how I went from being a decidedly childless feminist, to a Feminist Breeder, and what that change meant for my conflicted views of the Modern Woman.

I inherited my early feminist views from my non-traditional family.  I had no mom or dad around, so I was raised by grandparents, aunts, and uncles, and sometimes lived on my own for months at a time while the guardians went off to find work in other areas.  I find that horrifying these days; that a child not more than 10 yrs old could be left in another state to feed themselves and get themselves off to school in the morning, but such was my life, and it all seemed normal at the time.  This helped me develop an independence that lays a fertile soil for feminist ideology.

My maternal grandfather was the type of man who wanted his girls to be able to take care of themselves.  Though terribly physically and emotionally abusive (which I now attribute to a lifetime of undiagnosed anxiety and clinical depression), there was a part of him that treated women with far more respect and dignity than most men of his generation.  Women were complex and mysterious creatures to him, though I believe he was sometimes so intimidated he lashed out, and those were the days I got my ass kicked.  My grandmother handled everything of importance, and whatever she wanted she got.  He wanted his daughters (of which I was always considered to be one) to excel and succeed.  He taught me to change the oil in my car so I wouldn’t have to depend on a man to do it.   He tried (in his own way) to raise me with common sense and a good work ethic, so I could make my way in the world.  He raised me like a man raises his son, while still entertaining my need to be a girl sometimes.  I suppose if anyone “taught” me to be a feminist, it was him. 

There were no Stay-At-Home-Moms in my family.  The women in my family worked; not as a matter of politics or choice, but as a matter of survival.  My grandmother worked as a roofer right alongside my grandfather, every day for nearly 40 years.  She didn’t get to stay home with me, even when I would beg her.  Not working meant not eating, though there were many days I went hungry anyway.  We were poverty-stricken, a fact I did not fully realize until I became an adult.

My aunt liked to tell me that “Every woman is only one man away from welfare” – meaning don’t rely on anybody.  My aunt helped raise me when my grandparents couldn’t and she’s as Feminist as a woman can be.  Well, any woman who’s never been a mother, that is. It’s not that she didn’t want babies, she did, desperately, but she was not able conceive, and then re-married to a man who didn’t want them anyway.  She’s Pro-Choice in terms of reproductive freedom yet often refers to pregnant women as “a buncha whiners.”  She has little tolerance for anyone unlike herself, and even less tolerance for women complaining about their girly bits.  She also helped convince me during my first pregnancy that childbirth was "deadly" and “thank god” for that birth rape cesarean or I’d have ended up just like Great-Great Aunt Mable from the old black & white pictures who died during childbirth in the 1910’s.  I had never spent any time around women who discussed birth, and only knew what I saw from shows like "A Baby Story" or "Maternity Ward" so I didn't question any of this.

After the trauma of being gutted like a fish in an operating room with my arms strapped out at my side like Jesus on the cross, convulsing and throwing up all over myself while my husband watched in horror, I started to question my Aunt’s understanding of feminism and politics in general.  If being a feminist meant allowing masked Med-Pros to violate my body, I don’t know if I’m cut out for her feminism after all.

Because of my upbringing, I saw children as a punishment.  I had never seen a planned pregnancy in my family.  The children all seemed to be consequences of a loose, irresponsible woman looking for love in the wrong place.  Nine months later, a welfare case was born.  I decided very early on that I would not be one of those women.  I did not want children.  I didn’t want to be punished.  But if I there ever was a day when I wanted a child, they would be born into a stable family – into wedlock at least – unlike any other child in my family’s sordid history. 

To me, feminism meant avoiding anything and everything that was exclusive to women.  Childbirth seemed oppressive, as did my biology in general, and I wanted no part of it.  As far as I was concerned, it could all be removed and I'd be better off.

When I got accidentally pregnant, I was angry.  Angry at myself for being so stupid, and angry at my (now) husband for wanting me to keep it.  I always assumed two pink lines on pregnancy test would have me out the door to Planned Parenthood for my quickie abortion before the urine dried.  But until I was in that situation, I never could have known how I would end up handling it.

As it turns out, abortion wasn’t an option for me.   Not at that time.  Not in this relationship.  I felt that I just didn’t “qualify.”  While our circumstances at the time were less than ideal for starting a family, I wasn’t a crackhead or a scared teen either.  I had the things I felt were required for accepting the responsibility of a positive pregnancy test: a responsible mate who already asked me to marry him, a place to live, help from our family, a good head on my shoulders, and a healthy body.  And most importantly, I couldn’t do that to him.  He wanted the baby, and I knew that aborting it would kill a part of him that would never recover.  I couldn’t justify terminating a pregnancy simply because I got sloppy one night.  I had made a bed, and the grown-up thing to do was lie in it.  And the fact was, ladies and gentlemen, I wasn’t getting any younger anyway.  Every woman in my family had already finished having babies by the time she was the age I was when I got knocked up.  People in the family had actually begun to assume I was infertile.

Now, people often ask me when I “knew” I wanted to be a mother.  I always have the same answer: “At 7:27 pm, August 1st 2006 – the moment my son was born, and not a minute sooner.”  Even through those nine months of pregnancy, I wasn’t sure I was cut out for this.  I was a feminist, dammit!  I couldn’t be tied down with a child.  I had school to finish and places to travel to.  There were times during the pregnancy that I told my new husband I wanted out, and that I’d give the baby to him and his mother after it was born and they could raise it.  Why not?  That’s what my mother did with me. She wasn’t up for the motherhood stuff, so she left me on doorsteps and took off.  Why would I – should I – be any different?  Well, my mother was/is also a horrible human being and ought to have been chemically castrated before she went on to ruin three more childrens' lives – but that’s a whole other story.

Instead, on that date 3 years ago, I was transformed.  Physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally – all of it.  The moment I heard my child cry, my brain chemistry changed, and suddenly I realized that being this person’s mother was not a punishment.  On the contrary, it was a gift I probably didn’t deserve, but I would spend the rest of my life trying to deserve it.  Though I was overjoyed by this perfect little miracle I had just produced, I felt sad and robbed that he was cut from my womb, instead of being birthed by me.  I never knew how much that would matter until it was taken from me.  I vowed that my next child would be birthed by his mother – not by a man in a mask.

I started that pregnancy thinking breastfeeding was gross.  I’d never seen it done, but it seemed like it was something white trash women did.  I was clueless.  Then I had my baby, and nurturing him from my breast seemed right.  After all, I had made this little baby in my body - it made sense for me to keep feeding him with the same body that had done such a good job making him.  Unfortunately, thanks to a cesarean and a period of separation, along with little support from my doctors, breastfeeding wasn’t successful for me with my first son.  Once I had to switch to formula feeding, I realized just how oppressive and sexist formula feeding, and formula companies, truly are.  Here you are born with two sources of perfect nutrition right there on your body, and our patriarchal society convinces you that custom-made milk isn’t good enough.  Your body isn’t good enough, and what you’re providing for your baby – without their help – isn’t good enough.  They convince you to enslave yourself (and your wallet) to the formula manufacturer - the buying, mixing, heating, and washing of bottles - all while their product undermines your health and your baby's health.  And they do all this while convincing the vast majority of women that it’s somehow liberating them.  *headshake*

Right then, my feminism changed.  That cesarean, and that formula feeding, taught me that the most feminist thing I could do for myself was to take back my body and my autonomy.  I birthed my second baby through my vagina, and it was the most important thing I’ve ever done in my life.  I made breastfeeding work that second time, and am still nursing my son 15 months later.  I wanted to be an excellent mother and raise my children up to be good people who will become the next generation of feminist freedom fighters. 

Having a uterus and breasts wasn’t oppressive anymore.  My feminine biology was a gift that no man will ever get to experience, and it is my duty to protect the sacred gift which mother nature provided to me – not to shame myself for having it.  

And so, I fight the system, along with all my feminist mothering sisters. 

• I fight for a women’s right to give birth naturally, without the medical community descending on her and compromising her health or autonomy with their (often unnecessary) drugs, instruments, and surgical deliveries.
  
• I fight for women to breastfeed when and where they want without a Puritan, patriarchal society shaming her for her womanly ability to nurture her young.
  
• And I fight for women’s right to be both a mother and a worker, without having to sacrifice her family just to keep a job or get ahead.

This is what feminism means to me now.  And I have my children to thank for this.  They opened my eyes to a world beyond anything I had imagined, while forcing me to eat many of my words.

Thank you children.  Life wouldn't be the same without you.  And knowing what I know now, I would never want it to be.

Things You Should Read Thursday, Vol. 10

Thanks to some very high profile articles, Natural Birth is having The Best Week Ever. In case you spent the week under general anesthesia, here’s what you missed:

Heather Armstrong (Dooce.com): The Labor Story, Part One
Here, arguably one of the most famous blogging moms in history, tells the story of how she went from being a “give-me-the-epidural-two-days-ahead-of-time” type of mother, to being radically transformed into a Natural Birthing Evangelist, just 10 weeks before her second baby was due.  She credits a free copy of “Your Best Birth” for changing her mind.  Go Ricki & Abby.

Unnecesarean.com: “Pit to Distress: Your Ticket to an ‘Emergency’ Cesarean?”
In a word? Horrifying.  In another word? Familiar.  Here the lid is blown off a common procedure being performed in maternity wards every single day where doctors and nurses knowingly use Pitocin to inflict stress on a fetus, all so they can call for an “emergency” cesarean.  No.  I’m not kidding.  It’s very real. I would argue that it’s exactly how I ended up with my cesarean. 

And on the same topic…

Cate Nelson: “Leash This Pit”
More on the harmful use of Pitocin, and the “medicalization” of childbirth in general.  Cate talks about some alternatives to artificial induction, and calls out the dangers and misconceptions of chemical inductions.

Now in mainstream birth news – there go those silly politicians again, spinning the facts and undermining health care…

Louise Marie Roth: Dick Morris Doesn't Understand Birth or Health Care
I just love when men who have zero experience with birthing talk about birth choices as though they themselves might be personally affected. Here, Roth calls out former Clinton advisor-turned-criticizer, Dick Morris, for accusing the Obama administration of forcing women to sacrifice their health by having natural births.  Huh boy.

And finally (as though the previous things weren’t enough to chew on for the week)

(VIDEO) Bill Moyer’s Journal: Interview with former CIGNA VP, Wendell Potter
If this doesn’t blow your mind, I don’t know what will.  Here the head of an insurance company reveals how his moral epiphany led him to resign from his posh job, and has him now speaking out about the amoral practices of both the large insurance companies, and the politicians who try to oppose universal healthcare.  He admits that Michael Moore’s documentary Sicko “hit the nail on the head” and that our country’s healthcare is in crisis.  After this, nobody has any great excuse for believing the bull the insurance companies and Republican supporters try to sell us.

Okay, you’ve got your hands full now.  Enjoy!

Things You Should Read Thursday: Vol. 9

This week – lots of news in the world of natural birthing and breastfeeding!

C-sections shouldn't be 'automatic' for breech births, Canadian doctors say
So, the Society of Obstetricians and Gynecologists in Canada has decided that vaginal birth is a perfectly reasonable option for delivering most breech babies, and they’ve even go so far as to begin a program to train doctors in the lost art of breech delivery.  I have to say, I’m dumbfounded.  This is one of the most responsible and intelligent things I’ve heard a medical profession do.  You mean, they weighed the evidence, and changed their mind?  What a concept!  Hey ACOG, take notes from our friends to the north.

Speaking of those smart(er) Canadian doctors…

C-sections, forceps use rising too sharply in Canada, medical groups say
Here several Canadian medical groups complain of the overuse of cesarean, forcep and vacuum assisted delivery, and delivery before 41 weeks.   “Doctors should only resort to these interventions when there is a valid, evidence-based reason” the article says.  Oh, Canada!

But, I do have to throw the ACOG a bone this week – or rather, I suppose it’s them throwing us a bone…

ACOG Refines Fetal Heart Rate Monitoring Guidelines
Finally, the ACOG realizes that fetal heart rate monitoring has done absolutely nothing to reduce perinatal mortality or the risk of cerebral palsy.  In fact, they say that the cerebral palsy rate has remained exactly the same for the last 60 years despite all the interventions and technology thrown at it.  I’ll be sending this to my doctor who (as you may have read in my VBAC birth story) insisted that the heart rate monitor was telling him my child would be born with cerebral palsy if I did not let him perform a cesarean on me.  Idjit.

In other news...

Breastfeeding Improves IQ
Well, it has been argued time and again.  People have said there’s no validity in the notion that breastfeeding makes you smarter, but now there’s been a new study published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition that compared the IQs of siblings in the same family, one who was breastfed, and the other who was formula fed.  Guess who came out on top?  Well... I don’t want to give it away, so make with the clicky-click on the link above.

And finally...

And in reference to my Things You Should Read Thursday: Vol. 7 - I'd like to say THIS is the right way for establishments to use the International Breastfeeding Symbol.  Take note.  And thank you Elita @Blacktating for bringing that pic to my attention.  I'd also like to note that the pictures I complained about on the Mothering site have now been removed - I only noticed because I clicked on the link in my post, and it's dead now.  Coincidence?  Or they did hear me (us)?  I find it very interesting, but however it happened, I'm quite pleased.  They now have a page listing the "suggested use" of the symbol, and make particular reference to the symbol not being used to "segregate" breastfeeding mothers (wasn't that the word so many of us used when griping about this?)  Even if it had nothing to do with our complaints, lets all pat ourselves on the back for making a difference anyway.

That's all for now. Toodles!

I Never Wanted to be a Working Mother

I absolutely hate being a Work Outside The Home Mom (WOHM) at this point in my life.  I hate it.  If you’ve ever been to my blog, or ever seen a single tweet of mine, this will not come as a huge shock to you.  So I’m going to spend this post bitching about something that has crawled under my skin, laid eggs, and hatched a giant, frothing, green-eyed monster that is unapologetically jealous and pissed off.

I will not make any apologies for however irrational my feelings are about this.  This is my view of my world as I know it, and my feelings are about ME, not about YOU.  This has all been building up since the day I realized I wouldn't be able to stay home with my first son - like we planned.  Plans?  Oh yeah, we had plans.  Smart, well-thought-out plans.  Then the economy happened.  I’d also add that the stress I’ve been feeling lately, combined with the partial cessation of breastfeeding and whatever hormonal changes may accompany that,  seems to have aggravated the post-partum depression that lurks beneath my surface, which makes TFB crankier than normal.

So here are two things I’m absolutely sick of right now:

1. SAHMs acting like they have it as hard as WOHMs.
2. SAHMS telling me it’s my “Choice” to be a WOHM.

Now, I have zero judgment about whether someone is a SAHM, WAHM, or WOHM.  Let’s get that part out of the way right off the bat.  I could not care less what somebody else does. There’s no “war” to me.  Whatever works for your family is Coolio with me.  I will never attempt to say that any one way is the “best” way to go about it – I don’t think there is a universal “best” way. 

But when either of the two aforementioned things come up, I am flat out insulted.  And that insult adds to the injury I already feel being in a situation that depresses the living shit out of me every day.  It’s a slap in the face – so I’m gonna talk about it.

First of all, being a SAHM is NOT as hard as being a WOHM, and I’m going to give you a list of reasons why. Perhaps this will make those who’d complain about it recognize what a sweet position they’re actually in.

#1 – Being SAHM is absolutely a full-time job, but going to work doesn’t mean you have a DIFFERENT full-time job – it means you now have TWO full time jobs - or more if you're like me.  That means you have to go put up with other people’s shit for 10 hours a day, then come home and do all the things you couldn’t do because you weren’t home all day (like cleaning, spending time with kids, meal planning, etc. etc.)  Those chores don’t just disappear because you’re not there!

#2 – Nobody will fire you for having a bad day as a mom.  I mean, unless you have a “somebody-call-Child-Protective-Services” kind of day, nobody is going to take that gig away from you (cause frankly, there is no 22 year old recent college graduate eyeing your job as a mother.)  I’ve seen some pretty crappy-ass moms who still don’t get fired for the lousy job they’re doing.  You don't live in fear of the moment you'll get called into the boss's office because your performance standards have slipped after being up all night dealing with two sick children at home.

#3 – Okay, being a SAHM is a job, but you don’t have to shower for it!  Yes you wake up early, but so do I.  And you don’t have to wake up at 6 am, rush around making sure the kids are taken care of/shipped off to daycare/whatever WHILE trying to shower, look presentable, and get into the appropriate business attire. You can stay in your fraking track pants all day long if you want to.  If I show up looking like a Mom, HR will have a “talk” with me.

#4 – You don’t have to pump breastmilk at work, or worry that you’ll lose your job if you do.  Enuf said.

#5 – Not everyone who works for a living has a corner office and an assistant who will bring them lattes all day.  If you think all Working Moms look like the women on the cover of Working Mother Magazine, go visit a production plant and talk to the barely-minimum-wage factory workers who stand on their feet all day and have to ask to take a bathroom break. Quit romanticizing the Working Mother role.  About zero percent of us have that corner office.  I bet your home working environment is a billion times better.

Now before you get all "but-some-women-have-no-choice-but-to-stay-home" let me say I'm not even going there in this post because I KNOW some women have no choice in that respect.  But that's not what this is about, so let's focus here people.

Secondly, I am so sick and tired of people telling me that it’s my “choice” to be a working mother.  It shouldn’t even make me mad.  I should find it hilarious.  I should think it’s funny that they live such stable, middle-class lifestyles that they cannot even fathom how it could be necessary to have two incomes to survive.  And I am outright insulted, deep in my core, when any person suggests that I’m leaving my kids every morning because I want to.  I could write, so, so much more on this, but I think I have to sum it up in with this:

NO, it is not my “choice.”  NO, we cannot afford, not even by the most creative budgeting known to man, to live on His income.  You don’t live here. You don’t know how we got here. You haven’t walked a mile in this family’s shoes. You don’t know how poor I grew up.  You don't know what I've had to do to drag myself out of poverty.  You don’t know how badly I don’t want to be there again.  And if You want to take a look at my balance sheet and figure out HOW I could “choose” to stay home, then you are 1000% welcome to do that.  But if you can’t – seriously shut the f*cking f*ck up because you don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not stupid, and if I can’t figure out a way to make something work, then it cannot be done. Not here. Not under our currently unchangeable circumstances. And to assume that everyone is in the same situation you are in is incredibly short-sighted.

This reminds me of the time the “Feminists” on the Ivillage board told me it was my fault I got Post-Partum depression because I didn’t plan my life better, and also because I didn’t anticipate that having a baby would mean having a cesarean.  Oh we silly women… always misplacing our crystal balls. Boy, maybe, just maybe, if I had been raised in any sort of stable environment I would have had another woman around to tell me what to expect when I had a baby.  But since I have no mother and no siblings, and had to endure that pregnancy without any guidance, perhaps I couldn’t have known what to expect?  It’s pretty difficult for those who “have” to understand anything about those who “have not.”  And they don’t even try.

And here’s where someone will say that it’s a “choice” to feed my kids.  Well, to me, letting my kids starve and losing the roof over our heads is NOT an option.  Not. An. Option.  If it’s an “option” for you, then call me when your kids are starving and you have no place to sleep – because until you’re in that situation, you have no way of knowing whether you really believe that’s an “option.”  You have the luxury of not having to make that "choice."

And the fact is, I have it way, way better than many Americans.  Having a child is the #1 cause of poverty spells in the United States.  I wouldn't even have health insurance if I didn't have a job - so what happens if my kid gets sick?  Now I've "chosen" to have a sick child that I can't get treatment for?  Clearly, my family is not the only one facing these situations.  We’re not in dire straits right now – but if I quit my job, that will change fast.

And that pisses me off.  I’m trapped.  I’m sad.  I want to be home with my kids.  I don’t want to work two jobs and go to school full time at night for the next 6 years anymore.  I’m angry because I ended up exactly where I didn’t want to be. I’m flailing.  I’m trying everything I can think of to change my situation.  And at the end of the day, I still can’t make it go away.  But on the average day, I deal with this fairly well.  I get up and go to work until 5 pm. I get off work and sit in class until 10 pm.  I get out of class and go home to make cakes until 2 am.  And I pack every second of family time in where I can.

But then someone tells me their life is soooooo hard being a stay-at-home mom, and I want to fracking scream.  And when I scream, they tell me that I could be a stay-at-home mom if I just “lived within my means” or planned a little better – and then, I want to break down crying, because those people are so out of touch with what my family/many families go through to try to provide the very basics for their kids.  Those familes have no idea what my down-to-the-penny Excel budget looks like each and every month.

And because they’re so out of touch, they’ll never understand.  So here’s where I stop trying to make them.

*exhale.*

“Bad Mommy” The Finale: Things I Don’t Want to Be Called

I started to talk about this in the comments section of another blogger’s post, but I already promised to complete my thoughts about this here, so here goes.

Yes, it is true that for thousands of years, philosophers have been discussing the true meaning or concept of “Good.”  And yes, it is true that language is inherently ambiguous, meaning that the society utilizing the language decides on the meaning of that word, and there could be many completely contradictory meanings of any one word.

But is there really any question in our minds what constitutes a “bad mother?”  Sure, there are varying degrees of “bad” – ranging from the “leave-your-baby-unattended-in-a-hot-car” type of Bad to “carelessly-feed-them-junk-until-they-develop-diabetes” type of Bad.  Only one of those things will actually get you thrown in jail, but I think we can all agree that neither of those actions is “good.”  I’ll completely sidestep the obviously demented and psychologically unstable “drown-your-kids-in-the-bathtub” type, because to me that has gone far beyond “bad” mom to “clinically insane” mom.

So, knowing what our society generally accepts as the definition of a “bad mother” – why are so many GOOD mothers lining up to label themselves “bad?”  The answer has been attempted to be justified by some of the most popular mom bloggers out there today, but not one of them has convinced me of their case.  Here’s why:

Some years ago toward the peak of my rocker days, I had to deal with quite a bit of jealousy because of the unique opportunities I received.  Lesser people talked, as they do, and accused me of sleeping around to get the things I wanted.  Some of them just accused me of sleeping around for no reason.  It made them feel better about themselves to try and drag me down.  And while I was in no way a prude, or even a good girl, my life behind closed doors was nobody else’s business.

So one day I got sick of all the chatter, and I decided to take back the power!  Go Gina!  My band was headlining a big show, so I got a T-shirt made that said, in big bold letters simply, “Dirty Whore.”  I wore that shirt proudly and thought to myself “Oh yeah! You want to call me a dirty whore! Well, I beat you to it!”  I felt so witty and clever.  That’s the benefit of immaturity – it makes you think you’re so brilliant while everyone else is simply embarrassed for you.

Now I get to explain to my children why there’s a picture of their mommy on stage wearing a shirt reading “Dirty Whore.”  Not exactly one of my finer moments.  In my capricious youth I thought I was taking back the term.  Now, I realize I just sank down to their level.  Now, at 31, I realize that I gave others permission to define me and my style by derogatory terms, instead of breaking the mold and redefining what it meant to be a female artist.  How incredibly short-sighted of me.  I had a great opportunity to change attitudes, but instead I accepted defeat, accepted their label, and tried to convince myself it didn’t hurt.

And these Proud Bad Moms are no different.  They’re shirking the “mainstream” expectations of them by labeling themselves “bad” – as if “bad” is the new “good.”  Well, all I know is the real “bad” mothers are still “bad” and I wouldn’t want to be associated with that category of people no matter how hip and rebellious it seems.  What exactly is wrong with broadening the scope of what it means to be a GOOD mother?  Perhaps that’s a little more work, and wouldn’t garner as much attention and blog hits.  But Bad attracts Bad – and It won’t take too long before the truly Bad moms arrive on their blog’s doorstep telling “funny” stories of how they locked their kids in the trunk of their car because they were yellin’, and now The Good-Bad Moms end up in the precarious position of separating themselves from the Good bad and Actual bad.  And then who gets to decide what's "Acceptable Bad" and "Unacceptable Bad?" And even if everyone knew they were being “tongue-in-cheek” this is still nothing more than accepting the opinions of others rather than redefining what it means to be doing the Right Thing.

Let’s remove this from the Mommy Wars for a second and apply this to other unique groups.  Do you see educated, respectable African Americans proudly calling themselves racial slurs just because some other ignorant people do?  Hell No.  They will not sink to that level. They work to redefine what it means to be a strong black person in American Society instead of accepting defeat and assimilating into the ignorance.  Barack Obama has been called a “Terrorist” and “Communist” on a million occasions, and I don’t see him out at the press junkets saying “Yo, Yo, yeah, I’m a terrorist, what!  Terrorists are the new cool!”  Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?  But couldn’t we argue that the word “terrorist” is just as ambiguous as “bad” and Barack has the right to redefine what it means to be a terrorist?  I know, I know. That’s just silly - about as silly as this whole "Bad Moms are really Good Moms" thing.

All I know is that Good is still Good, and no trend will undo that.  I align myself with the Good Mothers because that’s the example I want to set for my children.  Unfortunately, it’s a little too late for that “Dirty Whore” thing.  I can only hope that one day, when my kids come across that picture, it teaches them a lesson about immaturity and the long-term memory of the internet.  In the meantime, I'm trying to straighten up my act.

AMA - a.k.a. Unethical Hypocrites Association

The American Medical Assocation has lost their damn mind.  And this time it affects every single person in this country.  You all should be horrified and frightened.

Tuesday, June 16th, the AMA votes on a resolution to create billing codes that would identify "non-compliant" patients.  What this is means is anytime you do not agree with a doctor's diagnosis, if you seek a second opinion, or if you pursue alternative forms of treatment, this doctor can tag your medical records with a code that labels you a "Problem Patient" - paving the way for insurance carriers to deny you coverage.

The entire concept of this is not only totally against the doctrine of informed refusal, but is also completely hypocritical to the American Medical Association's OWN codes of conduct for Informed Consent & Refusal.  The following is taken directly from the AMA's own website:

Informed consent is more than simply getting a patient to sign a written consent form. It is a process of communication between a patient and physician that results in the patient's authorization or agreement to undergo a specific medical intervention.

In the communications process, you, as the physician providing or performing the treatment and/or procedure (not a delegated representative), should disclose and discuss with your patient:

• The patient's diagnosis, if known;
• The nature and purpose of a proposed treatment or procedure;
• The risks and benefits of a proposed treatment or procedure;
• Alternatives (regardless of their cost or the extent to which the treatment options are covered by health insurance);
• The risks and benefits of the alternative treatment or procedure; and
• The risks and benefits of not receiving or undergoing a treatment or procedure.

In turn, your patient should have an opportunity to ask questions to elicit a better understanding of the treatment or procedure, so that he or she can make an informed decision to proceed or to refuse a particular course of medical intervention.

So, hold on.  Informed consent and refusal is not only protected by every level of law that exists in this land, but it is also advocated right on the AMA's own website, and now they think they can pass a resolution to punish anyone who invokes their right to participate in their own care? 

Besides the obvious implications this has on VBACing mothers, it's obvious that no healthcare-seeking American would be safe from this ridiculous resolution.

So, what can you do about it?  Well, you can act really quick - ICAN has posted a list of resources you can contact to voice your opposition to this.

_____

UPDATE! The AMA voted and the resolution was unanimously DEFEATED!  I'm sure this is thanks to all the hardwork of everyone who spoke out against this ridiculous resolution.  Let's keep an eye on this and make sure they try a stunt like this again!

"Bad Mommy" Part Deux - Sleep Training Makes You Evil

Go ahead; try it.  Mention the term “Sleep Training” in a room full of hardcore natural parenting types, and notice how quickly their strictly-organic-cotton panties get twisted up in a bunch.  You’d think you had just said that you whip your child with a chain every night before bed.  We’ve played this game on my blog before, and I believe that the (surprisingly civil) conclusion we came to is that hardcore attachment parenting types (henceforth referred to as HAPTs) assume that there is only one brand of sleep training, and that “Sleep Training” always means “Cry It Out” or “Ferberizing.”  In reality, there are a ton of gentle sleep training solutions (try here, here, and here) advocated even by the very leaders of the HAPTs that have nothing at all to do with "Cry it Out". In essence many parents are probably doing them already but simply don’t want to call it “Sleep Training.” 

But, even more unsettling to me is this ridiculous trend in mommy-martyrdom that dictates that Sleep is for the Weak and perpetuates this attidude that good, attached parents should never expect their children to sleep for the 12-16 hours a day that is universally recommended by nearly every health expert I’ve ever seen write on the subject.  Well, I’m not quite sure when someone decided that good sleep wasn’t a completely essential function of healthy living, but I can assure you, even without a medical degree or a Ph.D. in Clinical Studies, it seems quite obvious to me that a lack of good sleep is unhealthy at best.  Notice I say “good” sleep, because “bad” sleep, or interrupted sleep is not the same thing.  Dr. Marc Weissbluth refers to interrupted sleep as “junk” sleep and says “Junk food is not healthy for our bodies. Neither is a junk sleep schedule.”  Now, I'm not interested in shaming the families with alternative types of sleep schedules - do whatever works for you - I'm just saying there is more than enough evidence (to me) to make good sleep habits a priority in my house, so I don't appreciate the "why in the world would someone sleep train?!?!!" comments I see on Twitter and other blogs.   

Children’s sleep habits are set early on, and a lack of good sleep habits has been attributed to everything from depression, to behavior issues, to hypertension, to heart disease.  Anecdotally speaking, I have terrible sleep habits that were programmed in me from the moment I arrived in my screwed up household.  I never had a bedtime or naps, so I stayed awake, sometimes all night- yes, even as a child - flipping the channels or playing with my dolls.  I remember being really jealous of the kids at pre-school who got “nap-time” at noon because this was the hour that I was picked up and taken home to do anything but nap.  I longed to be one of them, laying there on their little mats, drifting off to dream world.  Now to this very day, I am an insomniac.  I have no ability to regulate my sleep patterns, and it takes me hours to fall asleep at night.  Last night (well, this morning actually) I woke up at 4:30 a.m. when Julesy needed to nurse again, and I never fell back asleep.  I tossed and turned and stared at the ceiling until it was time to get in the shower and prepare for my long day of work.  My body has no idea how to fall asleep.  So, instead of even trying to sleep, I’m up doing all those things that make other moms say “How in the world do you find the time???”  I don’t find the time, the time finds me, like a gypsy curse sent to suck the energy out of my day.  But eventually, I crash, and it isn’t pretty.  I don’t want this for my kids.

So, it’s clear that I believe in setting good sleep habits, but there is more than one way to go about it that does NOT involve locking a child in their room to scream until they pass out.  But that’s the image HAPTs get in their head when I say “Sleep Training.” 

So I’ve decided to use a new term: “Sleep Guidance.” 

I provide my child with the structure and setting to promote a healthy sleep pattern as suggested by many experts on the subject, thereby contributing to their overall health and well-being.  How how I do that?  Simple: my children have a schedule they can rely upon, and this schedule has them napping each day at the necessary times and intervals, and going to bed at night at roughly 7:30 pm each and every evening without a struggle.  They can count on this.  They welcome it.  There is no screaming and torturous “Cry It Out” going on every night in my house.  At 6 pm, the “dinner-bath-bedtime” routine starts, so when it’s time to go to sleep, they are prepared and mentally ready for it.  Have they fussed and cried sometimes?  Sure, once every blue moon.  But it’s not a “Cry-It-Out” situation.  And if you don’t believe me, come over to my house around 7:30 each evening and you’ll be shocked to find how easy it is to get my kids to bed.

I’ll happily admit, however, that sickness, teething, particularly over-stimulating days, or other factors out of our control can sometimes throw a wrench into my children’s good sleep habits.  But for the most part, things run relatively smooth in this department.  Jonas has been sleeping straight through the night since he was 6 weeks old, but Julesy has had more trouble sleeping straight through and sometimes requires some night nursing to keep him content around 2 am-ish.  The night-nursing is an on/off habit that we’re looking to break at this point, and we’re working on that now we feel that he’s old enough to discontinue his nightly visits to the 24 Hour Milk Bar.  I would have put the kibosh on that months ago, but my waning milk supply necessitated every feeding possible.  But now, Jules’s night waking disturbs his brother’s sleep, as well as mine and daddy’s, and as Dr. Sears says right on his own website, “If you resent it, change it!”

So, in conclusion, anyone who thinks that Sleep Guidance sounds like a chain whipping simply has problems of their own.  I don't care what you do in your house, but don't throw tomatoes at me when I say we use sleep training "sleep guidance."  I will not join the martyrdom and self-sacrificing insomniacs because even Dr. Sears says “… what your baby needs most is a happy, rested mother.”

Thank you Dr. Sears; I’d take a much-deserved nap when I get home tonight but my lifelong shotty sleep habits prevent me from falling asleep at will.  Thanks anyway though.

I Bet You Didn’t Know You Were a Bad Mom

There has been a lot of rumbling around my particular Twittosphere this week regarding parenting styles, and what it means to be a “good” or “bad” mom.  Notice I said “mom” because most people don’t even touch the dads on this issue – I’m guessing because women prefer to only judge and devour each other.
 
What I’ve discovered this week is that I’m a bad mom for giving my son Time-Outs.  I’m a bad mom for sleep training.  I'm a bad mom for vaccinating.  And I’m a bad mom for thinking that I’m a good mom.  Now… ain’t that some shit?

First of all, the day that pigs fly is the day that I’ll believe the kind of parenting I’m doing is "bad."  I’m actually jealous of my children.  They live a great life; a whole lot better life than I had growing up.  They are happy, and protected, and smart, and encouraged, and healthy, and well-behaved at least 95% of the time, and loved, and hugged, and loved some more.  Boy, sounds like I’m doing a pretty shitty job, doesn’t it?
 
Well, I’m not.  I’m doing an awesome job.  And so is my husband.

My feelings run so deep on this that I think I’m going to have to break this into three posts.  This post will deal my feelings on Time-Outs.  I’ll tackle the sleep training and “good mom vs bad mom” stuff in a day or two.

Boy, did I get pissed last week when I was told that giving my son Time-Outs was “damaging” our relationship and “negatively impacting” my child’s self-esteem.   Apparently there’s a “method” called “Time-In” in which is essentially the exact opposite of a "Time-Out."  According to this style when the child misbehaves, the root cause of the misbehavior is some need for the parent’s attention, so the parent should focus all their attention on that child for a set amount of time.  The article implies that A.) the only reason my child is misbehaving is because I’m neglecting or ignoring him and B.) as long as I’m 100% focused on my child he will not misbehave.  Neither of those things is true.

Okay, raise your hand if your child has ever gone ape-shit over some dumb little thing when you’re sitting right there playing with him/her – Anyone?  Anyone?  I know mine has.  I’ll be sitting there playing cars with him, and he’ll pick up a car and throw it across the room – just to test me.  So I’ll say, “we don’t throw cars, it could hurt someone.”  So  a few minutes later, the toddler, being a toddler, defies all logic and reason and picks up the nearest car and hurls it straight toward his baby brother’s nose.  Luckily he misses, so I firmly say “if you throw another car, we’re done playing.”  So, of course, it’s a power struggle now, and he needs to see exactly how much damage he can do before he finds himself in a heap of trouble.  Fast forward a few more minutes, and a car is whipped across the room hard enough to take out a lamp.  So I say “that’s it, the cars are being put away.”  The child has lost his cars privileges for the moment. 

Well, Insert screaming, tantrum, flailing, throwing himself on the floor, running around the room, knocking things over, yada, yada, yada.  Here is where the child needs a Time-Out.  And for those new-ish mothers with children under 2 who read this and think “my child would neeeeeeever do that” all I can say is, “oh, you just wait.”  I once had a dreamy little baby who could never, ever do any wrong.  Then he grew into a toddler.  There’s a reason they call it “The Terrible Twos”.  You are not immune to it, so get off your high-horse right now before Karma smacks you off it.
 
Back to the tantrum.  Jonas has lost his little mind temporarily, so there’s nothing left to do but place him in his special little Time-Out chair (adorable, isn’t it?).  He gets the “this is why you are here” speech, and he’s left to sit there for two minutes to chill the f*ck out.  A few minutes later, the child has calmed himself, and realizes sitting in a chair isn’t nearly as much fun as the cars we were playing with before he went berserk.  So he says he’s sorry, gives me a hug and a kiss, and is ready to continue the day without incident.  Problem solved.

This happens about twice a week on average.  Some weeks it doesn’t happen at all.  Some episodes are more severe than others, but it always, always works (unless he's sick or tired or something is really wrong, and in that case I realize that and we deal with the new circumstances.)

Would you believe the previous story sounds like child abuse to some people?  They actually call it “Non-parenting” or “Conditional Parenting” – as in, “you’re teaching the child that you’ll only parent them (i.e. love them) when they’re good.”  Okay, what the F ever.  I believe that kids need parents to teach them that there are choices and there are consequences.  Chilren NEED guidance.  Discipline shows them you give a crap.  And if you can’t play nice?  That’s your choice, but it’s MY choice not to play with you then!

And if the article was only offering a different option for discipline, or an alternative approach if Time-Out's aren't working (like this book does) then fine. I'm all for alternatives. And if that first article was only implying that sometimes children act out when mommy is not paying attention to them, then okay, I can see that the child might need attention.  Every mother has found herself taking a little too long in the bathroom, only to realize that her unattended toddler is up to his ears in trouble in the next room.  In that case, of course most mothers will drop what they’re doing (if they can) and go over and interact with the child.  Most moms realize that was their own dumb fault for not paying attention.  But that’s not a “style” or “technique”.  That’s just common sense parenting.  Nobody needs to tell me to get the hell off Twitter and go figure out why my kids are yelling at each other.  I just do that.  If the author of this article is just offering a different approach, however common-sensical and intuitive it ought to be, then she wouldn’t have been shaming those people who do use Time-Outs.  No.  Instead she was saying Time-Outs are “damaging”, and Time-Ins are “the right way”.  Okay lady, you do “Time-Ins” in your house, and call me when your child refuses to listen to their teacher/babysitter/coach and can’t be trusted out of your sight.  Nutcase.
 
I would also like to add that nobody else in the world is going to put up with your kid’s crap and give them a “Time-In” when they’re actin’ a fool.  In my house, we try to teach our kids how to behave out in the real world - and if they want someone to play with them, they better not act like jerks.  That will get them nowhere, fast.  

In short, what I’m doing works.  It works for us anyway, and if the "Time-In-Only" method is working for you, then what-ev-er, good for you, but don’t try to tell me I’m “damaging” my child.  Go focus your efforts on the crackheads and people who beat their kids.

...Next time on “I Bet You Didn’t Know You Were a Bad Mom” we’ll find out how letting your child sleep soundly at night is something akin to water-boarding.  Oh, the humanity.

Circuit City Extended Warranty Plans are NOT being Honored

Circuit City is still screwing us, even months after closing their doors.  We found out the hard way last night that our broken car DVD player will NOT be replaced in accordance with the extended warranty we purchased, even though we paid an extra couple hundred dollars to ensure that it would be replaced if necessary. The following is the letter I wrote to our local news station after a two hour brawl with Assurant Solutions, the company that supposedly backs the warranties sold under the Circuit City Advantage Plan.

Hello NBC Target 5 Team.

I wanted to make you aware of an issue which I believe should be known to all consumers who were told by Assurant Solutions that Circuit City Advantage Plans (extended warranty service) would be honored after the store's closing.

Official statement made by Assurant Solutions in reference to the warranties

This is a false statement. 

When we found out Circuit City was going under, we checked Assurant's website, and read through all the Terms & Conditions of our service plan, and were assured in both cases that our extended warranty would cover the parts and labor of our Car DVD player.

Assurant states "Circuit City customers have no need to worry about their plans still being valid," he said. "our companies will continue to provide them the same high quality, consistent service, regardless of Circuit City’s outcome."

In reference specifically to the type of service our product requires - the company states this "Circuit City customers who subscribed to a plan that included carry-in service will be provided an alternative drop-off location for on-site service or shipping instructions to return items to an authorized service center."

Well, that DVD player broke last week.  We called Assurant and we were told to pull the DVD player out, ship it back to them, and at that point they would issue a check for the retail purchase price ONLY of our DVD player.  They will not pay for any uninstall/reinstall services, and will not send us to an "authorized service provider."  We are now responsible for several hundred dollars in labor costs.  We told them our service agreement (and their statement to the press that that service agreement would be honored) indicated that we were covered for parts AND service (installation) of that particular product, and we had no intention of paying $200-$300 in uninstall/reinstall fees on a product that ought to be covered.

After two hours on the phone, we were told that Assurant Solutions has "no ability" to provide any coverage for the extended service plans sold by Circuit City, and Assurant has NO "authorized service center(s)" -- a statement in total opposition to the clear statement made to the press and on their website that they WILL provide service at an "authorized service center."  If Assurant Solutions has NO authorized service centers, then their statement made to their customers and the public was an outright falsehood, and they should be held liable for all the consumers they've duped into continuing their worthless contracts.

As part of our Circuit City Advantage warranty, our product is listed under the products that are covered for uninstall/reinstall services, but according to "Greg" at Assurant Solutions Customer Care, Assurant will not honor the actual "Circuit City Advantage Plan" - because, according to Greg, their agreement with Circuit City ended when Circuit City closed it's doors.

I was told "we're all affected by Circuit City's bankruptcy ma'am."  Well, clearly some are more affected than others.

I think it is important to warn others who may wish to cash in their warranties that the warranty they think they have may actually be useless.

As far as our situation, we are contacting an arbitrator (in accordance with the Terms & Conditions of our contract) and plan to take this matter to the courts if necessary.

Thank you for listening.

So the moral of the story is, if you purchased a Circuit City Advantage Plan or other extended warranty at the now defunct store, you better call Assurant to find out how you can either get a new contract that stipulates exactly what they are now responsible for replacing, or cash in that warranty.

With one quick Google search, I found an entire thread of consumers calling for a class action law suite against Assurant and Circuit City based on their Assurant's refusal to honor their warranties.  And Assurant Solutions has NOT seen the last of me.

Mommy Guilt - It's all about Perspective

There has been a particularly large volume of anti-lactivist articles and blogs surfacing lately, and I’m trying to make sense of them.  It seems that every mother who formula feeds feels the need to lash out against the women who told her she could/should breastfeed.  It goes the other way too.  Those of us who needed support breastfeeding, and only had formula feeding shoved in our face, are equally as pissed off about the things we were told – even if the person promoting formula feeding was just trying to help.  Perhaps they saw a stressed out mom and thought “Jeez honey, why are you doing this to yourself? … give the kid some Similac and call it a day … you’ll be much happier.” – not knowing that they were unintentionally slapping that woman’s breastfeeding efforts across the face.

It’s not just with breastfeeding though.  This is a strong phenomena in all aspects of natural birthing and mothering.  Some who’ve had c-sections get offended when women talk about natural childbirth.  They loved their c-sections and thought they were necessary, so shut-up-you-stupid-hippy-with-your-stupid-painful-natural-childbirth-nonsense.  And those who are traumatized by their medicated or cesarean births are offended when someone says “It doesn’t matter how the baby came out.”  That’s another big slap in the face.  Those are the kinds of statements that exacerbate the post-partum depression and post-traumatic stress disorder caused by that woman’s traumatic birth experience.  But the person’s intention is to help, so how can you fault them?

Well, as they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

A friend/family member/provider can make a comment, and depending on the mother’s perspective, that comment can be taken a number of different ways.  That comment can be seen differently even by the same mother depending on what mood or mind frame she is in.

Example:

Setting: My 1st Pregnancy, 1st prenatal appointment

Midwife: are you going to breastfeed?
Me: Hell No!
Midwife:  Why not?
Me: Because that’s disgusting!
Midwife: You really should think about breastfeeding, here is some information.

(later, to my formula feeding friend)

Me: That midwife was so f*cking mean!!  She practically held me down and forced me to say I would breastfeed!
My Friend: Yuck! I didn’t breastfeed, and you don’t have to either
Me: Thank you, you’re such a good friend!

Fast forward 2 and a half years...

Setting: Pediatrician’s Office – 2nd baby’s 1 week postnatal checkup

Pediatrician: He hasn’t regained his birth weight yet
Me: So? He was born nearly 10 lbs
Pediatrician: Well, we should give him some formula too, just for now
Me: Um, no, that ruined my breastfeeding relationship the first time, I’m not doing that route again
Pediatrician: But I’m really worried about his slow weight gain

(later, to my breastfeeding friends)

Me: That stupid Pediatrician tried to tell me I’m starving my baby!
My Friend: They don’t know what they’re talking about – see, here’s some information – keep breastfeeding, you’re doing great
Me: Thank you, you’re such a good friend.

Do you see what I mean?  I am the same person, just with a different perspective, and that perspective paints each of my interactions with a very different brush.  Was that first midwife forcing me to breastfeed?  No. Was that pediatrician forcing me to formula feed?  No.  But what I heard them say was determined by my OWN feelings about the situation.

So, if you’re feeling guilty over formula-feeding, why not take a step back and determine *why* you feel guilty.  Did that lactation consultant really call you a "shitty mother" because you made the informed decision to quit breastfeeding?  Or is that just what you heard?  No one can make you feel something unless you let them, so if you’re feeling guilty, perhaps you have deeper feelings about breastfeeding or formula feeding than you’d like to admit?  And if you don’t, then you should be happy with your decision – plain and simple.  No one has the ability to go into your head and force your brain to transmit guilt into your soul.  Guilt is self-inflicted.  It’s your conscience telling your brain to consider this decision with care because this one really matters to you.

How about we all put these "wars" into perspective and realize that happiness comes from within.  Make your decision, with information, please, and then be happy with the path you’ve chosen.  If someone has a different opinion, take it for what it is – an opinion – and don’t internalize the chatter unless what they're saying helps support your informed decision.

Then, none of us have anyone to blame for our Mommy Guilt except ourselves.

Things You Should Read Thursday: Vol. 4

Wow, I can’t believe I’m already on Week Four of “Things You Should Read.”  I hope everyone is enjoying it as much as I am!  I’ll have a much, much more personal post later tonight or tomorrow.  I’m still working out my feelings about that one.

First Up!

Lois Rogers: Mothers stay trim with drug to stop breast milk
This first article is so rage-inducing as a feminist and a mother that I can hardly stomach it.  It's an article about how some British women are taking a drug to stop lactation to "stay fit" because breastfeeding is such an ugly and useless thing, according to them.

“My breasts are for my husband,” said one 35-year-old French mother of twins who lives in Britain. “He wouldn’t like me feeding the babies and I don’t want to end up with a chest like a cow.”

Aaaaaaaaaaand, what do I always say again?  Right.  Women Are the Problem with Women.  I suppose my vagina is my husband's property too, so why not just let him do whatever he wants with it?  Perhaps I can make it removable so he can take it on business trips with him.  I mean, after all - it is HIS vagina.  We wouldn't want it sitting around getting bled on and peed on - not when I signed over papers to him on the day of our wedding.  "Here you go, Husband, here is the deed to my breasts and vagina.  I will refrain from using them without your sole, expressed permission..."

Ughgh.

Moving On!

Morgan Gallagher: The Case Against Reasoning
Another rebuttal to the Rosin article, but this one takes a bit different approach.  It's looooong, looooong, looooooooooong, BUT it's worth it just for the pictures alone. Oh, how we forget that doctors were advertising cigarettes just a short half-century ago.  This collection of adverts is both hilarious and horrifying.  I've only managed to read it in pieces, but it is highly intelligent and thought provoking.  I've heard Morgan called "The Quintessential Lactivist" by some Tweeters, so if you're a lactivist, get acquainted with her blog.

Happy Reading!

Law & Order SVU Has Jumped the Vaccination Shark

Dear Law & Order SVU Writers,

Perhaps you missed my blog about how I quit Private Practice over their stupid, stupid vaccination episode in which a child dies from Measles (or mumps, I can’t remember which) and the hospital thinks the mother should be jailed.  Or perhaps you thought that the mere presence of Private Practice still on the air, no matter how unexplained because, let’s face it, that show sucks, meant that they were onto something with their blatant agenda pushing.

But last night, you took a far bigger leap than even Stupid Private Practice did.  You actually put a mother on trial for not vaccinating her child, not because her own child died, but because another child that her child MAY or MAY NOT have come into contact with died.  Was I the only one watching thinking “HOW can they have a case??? They never even proved the two children came in contact!”

You. Have got. To be kidding. Me.

Besides the sheer absurdity of the charges, there is NO WAY the D.A. could have proven that case!  Shouldn’t there be some tiny little glimmer of reality in this show to keep us all from rolling our eyes at the TV for the entire hour?

Again, I stress, I am PRO-vaccination.  It worries me a great deal when parents don’t vaccinate their children because these things are lethal, and it’s not really fair to expose children too young to be vaccinated to a disease whose risks far outweigh the risks of vaccination. 

But seriously: Jail?  And for THE MOTHER ONLY???  Please tell me where the hell the FATHER was in these charges.  Do fathers not have any say in their child’s vaccination schedule?  Are fathers not deemed the responsible party when things go awry?  What a wretchedly obvious case of blatant sexism.

Well Law & Order SVU… I’m done with you now too.  I’ve been a loyal fan for most of my adult life, but this was enough to make me un-Tivo you.

Good riddance.

"Things You Should Read" Thursday

This will be the first in a series of weekly installments I am dubbing "Things You Should Read Thursday" in which I post the stories and articles of the week that made my heart go pitter-patter.

First Up - A Birth Story:

HBA2C, 45+ Weeks gestation, 11 lb, 12 oz baby
This mother chose an HBA2C after her the local doctors and hospitals refused to let her try a VBAC or a gentler cesarean (not being separated from baby, etc.)  She also had a "T" incision with one of her cesareans.  She went 5 weeks post dates, and delivered a (nearly) 12 lb baby without so much as a single tear. (thank you to Unnecesarean for finding this one.)

Next Up - I know many of you are probably sick of hearing about Hannah Rosin's article, but I personally enjoy every tongue-lashing she receives over it - particularly those from the important or influential.  I admit that I sadistically revel in the beating of a dead horse, until it rolls over and admits that it was wrong. (And for those of you wearing tight panties, no, I am not calling Rosin a horse anymore than Obama was calling Palin a pig.  Umm.. Err... Ahem.)  Either way, I will continue to denounce this article until The Atlantic, GMA, and Rosin herself come forward issue retractions, and apologize for all they've done to undermine mothers and breastfeeding. 

And I get by with a little help from my smart friends...

Peggy O'Mara: Case Closed, Breast is Best
Peggy writes a compelling piece on the facts, and tells Rosin "Slandering breastfeeding because our society makes it inconvenient is like vacillating on equal pay for women because it's difficult to achieve."  Go Peggy.

Kimya Dawson: The Case FOR Breastfeeding
Before several Twitter friends directed me to this article, I had never heard of this singer/songwriter.  I can't keep up with what the kids are listening to these days.  But reading this article actually made my milk let down. This artist's song was used without permission by Rosin in her podcast, and when the artist (who also hated Rosin's article) found out, the gloves came off.  I want to hug her.

Go forth and enjoy these quality pieces of writing.

Feminism is Not my Religion

Some feminists claim that feminism is about supporting other women's choices unconditionally and without judgment. I disagree wholeheartedly.
 
I believe feminism is about equality.  Nothing less.  Nothing more.  I do not believe feminism requires supporting any choice a woman makes regardless of its context or consequence. The blind support of a person or action based solely a shared ideology, without critical thought, is nothing more than a religion.  Or... some might call it a cult.

Great feminists have defined feminism time and again:

"Feminism is the radical notion that women are human beings"
~Cheris Kramerae, author of A Feminist Dictionary, 1996.

"Feminism is the advocacy of political, economic and social equality between women and men."
~Feminist Majority Foundation

"A feminist is anyone who recognizes the equality and full humanity of women and men."
~Gloria Steinem, founder of Ms. Magazine, leader of the Women's Movement.

Nowhere in those three statements does it say “Feminism is about limitless choice.” I do not believe Feminism is simply about “choice” though it can sometimes be about the right to make certain choices, especially choices that support equality.  However, if those choices undermine equality for every woman, good luck getting support from me. 

A good example of a real choice: the choice between working or staying home.  Both have risks and benefits, and no science has ever proven that one is universally better than the other.  It’s about what works for you and your family.  Neither one is more feminist than the other.  Neither decision undermines equality or our gender.

Another good example of choice: the right to carry, or terminate, an unwanted pregnancy.  What is right for that woman depends entirely on her own circumstances and capabilities.  No one will ever know if she would have been better off taking a different path (though I openly admit that I loathe abortion and decided against one for myself.)  I will always support choice in this area.

But, do you really believe every woman’s every “choice” should be supported?  Tell me you’ve never seen a woman, 9-months pregnant, sucking on a Marlboro Red, and thought to yourself “Oh my god, that is disgusting!”  Is it her choice to choke her unborn fetus with cigarette smoke?  Sure it is!  Do you support that choice?  Are you going to walk up to her and say “Way to go!  Smoke another one for me!”  I bet you a thousand dollars you won’t.  You judge it, just like I do, and don't try to tell me you don't.  It is repulsive, and it’s okay to say that.  Several states have laws against smoking in a car with children in it.  This is a good case of legislating parenting.  Smoking itself isn't illegal, but being a bad parent can be.  Some things clearly undermine public health and our society, and I’ll be the first to say so regardless if a man is doing it or a woman is doing it.  I will not support some things, and feminism (a.k.a. gender equality) does not require me to.

The other problem with calling everything a “choice” is that it reduces anything we are to being simply a personal choice.  All the sudden, just being a woman is now a "choice" that is open to debate and possibly legislation by others.  It has already happened with birthing and breastfeeding – two things that are completely owned by women, and yet are continually being snuffed out by the Cash Cow Corporations whose vested interest lies in pushing c-sections and formula.  And the best part of that?  They convince you they’ve done you a favor!  You’ve been “liberated” by being chained to The Man.  Nice going.

I am a female mammal; vaginal birth is not a choice, rather, it is the way nature designed my child to be birthed from my body - a design that even our modern scientific research has proven to be the healthiest possible way for a baby to be born.*  Why?  Because it does not require new-fangled technology.  It is natural.

I am a female mammal; breastfeeding is not a choice.  It is how our offspring was meant to be fed - an act that modern scientists and economists have proven is the best possible way to feed our babies.* Why? Because it does not require new-fangled, chemically comprised mystery liquids.  It is natural.

But calling these things “choices” leaves the opportunity for others to say that you could have made an “alternate choice” -- and because you didn’t, you should suffer the sacrifices of that “choice” and not look for any special considerations.  And this opens the door for discriminating against mothers simply for being mothers – which is the one basic biological function that is exclusive to the female gender.

Let me illustrate.  Our country says you are allowed the freedom to pray to whatever God you want.  To truly honor that freedom, we must allow or citizens to recognize their religion in whatever way they believe is necessary, and we all work around it.  But what if, by the same stroke, those who recognized Yom Kippur, for example, were told it was their “choice” to be Jewish, therefore they were not allowed a day off work to recognize the holiday?  That’s not equality.  You cannot claim to be equal if you are still being punished for what you are.

Equality does not mean “sameness.”  Equality does not mean trading off your feminine biology to become a pseudo man.  Equality means taking us for what we are; and that includes the accommodations that must be made to allow mothers to mother the next generation of people the best way possible.

But let’s take this in another direction.  Do you hear MEN typing around the blogosphere about how they should support all choices other men make?  When a man does something against nature and intelligent evidence, do you hear other men chiming in saying “Hey man, being a man is about choice!”  No, you don’t.  And you don’t hear them criticizing and undermining each other because of the very things that make them male.  In fact, anything that is inherently male is usually celebrated and protected.  They don’t tell each other they should cut off their manhood to be “equal” and sell that manhood to corporations and special interest groups to be “free” from their male-ness.  They’re not looking for an escape hatch.  And they’re not apologetic about what they are.  And most importantly, they don’t claim that civil equality requires them all to hold hands and agree with every choice every one of them makes.

If you want equality, then allow female brains to think critically and make sound judgments about issues facing our society – just like men have been doing, unapologetically, since the beginning of time.

You do what you want, and I’ll reserve the right to agree or disagree with it.  If what you’re doing is universally questionable, I’ll disagree loudly with it.  And at no point in time will I ever feel like I am under some obligation to support you because we share a chromosome.

My only obligation, as a card-carrying feminist, is to support and advocate for that which promotes gender equality.  That is all.

_____________________________________

*clearly I mean in normal, healthy situations. There are exceptions to everything in this universe.

My Response to “The Case Against Breastfeeding.”

The article is long, so I won’t get into all the gory details.  Suffice to say that I believe the writer has filled it with half-truths, misleading information, and downright lies.

One glaring example that I can directly nullify is this --

She says: “It is a serious time commitment that pretty much guarantees that you will not work in any meaningful way.”

Well… we all know that I am a perfect example of how that statement is a big pile of bullshit. I have a complex career working in your typical corporate 9-5, 40 hour a week atmosphere.  I also go to school 8 hours a week (not including commuting and studying) and spend many other hours a week on my side business.

In total, I spend approximately 60-70 hours a week WORKING in a MEANINFUL way, getting straight A's --- and, oh, wait for it... wait for it... All while breastfeeding.  So listen lady, if you don’t want to work just because you’re breastfeeding, then that’s between you and your husband, but don’t make it sound like the rest of us can’t handle it.

She goes on to say:  “Let’s say a baby feeds seven times a day and then a couple more times at night. That’s nine times for about a half hour each, which adds up to more than half of a working day, every day, for at least six months. This is why, when people say that breast-feeding is “free,” I want to hit them with a two-by-four. It’s only free if a woman’s time is worth nothing.”

Does the author not realize that the baby will need to spend time eating one way or another?  The time spent feeding the baby is a wash.  That is, unless you’re also going to assign a dollar amount to hours spent feeding  your baby formula too.  You should, by the way, also calculate all the time spent washing and sterilizing bottles, mixing/measuring/heating formula  (which is so much fun at 2 a.m.) and the travel time to and from the store to buy it.  Boy, when you add all that up, sticking a kid on a boob seems like a much faster, ergo more cost-effective solution to feeding, wouldn’t you say Ms. Rosin?

That is the stupidest argument against breastfeeding I’ve heard yet.  Too bad I can’t leave a comment on the article.  I doubt it would do a bit of good though. She seems to have deluded herself beyond the point of facts and logic.

Just Be Honest With Yourself and Others.

Here's something I'm pretty sick of lately.... our natural tendency to not be honest about why we do what we do.

Here's what I'm going to tell you about abortion.  I don't care if you get one, just admit why you're getting it.  It ain't my baby, so whaddo I care?  Why should you be so troubled to explain yourself honestly?  Because being open and honest about these things is the only way we can truly support and uplift each other.  If everyone is lying to themselves about their true motivation, nobody will ever feel like they can tell the truth, and others may believe in some false or unrealistic thing that could be damaging to themselves and others.

Don't tell me that you "did it for the baby" when you're a white girl with a supportive baby-daddy and family, a strong college education, and good income potential.  No darlin'... you did that for you.  You didn't want your life interrupted by a 9 month inconvenience.  If you really wanted the best life for that baby, you could have given it up for adoption.  Don't sit and congratulate yourself for your "selflessness" because you didn't want to bring a child into your "circumstances."  Your only "circumstances" were that you weren't thinking about wearing a condom.  White babies from smart college girls get adopted up faster than you can spit them out.  I have a co-worker desperate for one right now.

It's not like you were a crack addicted hooker living on the streets.  You're not 17 with no chance for a decent paying job, and you're not socially oppressed.  You're not even in a bad relationship.  In my book, you simply don't "qualify" for that way out.  I didn't "qualify" in my book either, which is why I'm sitting here listening to my 38 inch tall miracle breathing in the monitor.  When it came right down to it, I knew I was accountable.  Accountable and Capable.  Of course my "qualifications" are personal and I don't expect anyone to care what I think "qualifies" as a good reason.  However, you probably don't want to tell me about your unnecessary abortion then -- cause if I don't think you "qualify" -- you're gonna hear my opinion.  Isn't that why you told me to begin with?

But I'm pro-choice.... so you have that choice.  But why can't you just be honest about it?  Why lie and delude yourself and others?  Why is abortion the "selfless" choice for a perfectly healthy and capable woman?  It's not... we both know that... so cut the act.  Just say "I didn't want to interrupt my life" instead of "I didn't want to bring a baby into 'this' life."

It's not your action I have the problem with, it's your justification.  We women have to stop lying to ourselves and each other to try to make "it" -- whatever our personal "it" is -- okay.

I feel the same about formula feeders.  I'm sick and tired of them trying to tell me that formula is just as good.  Why do you even try making that argument?  We know you are W-R-O-N-G.  You're wrong.  Deal with it.  Now, if you could just admit that you're formula feeding because you flat out didn't want to breastfeed, then fine.  Tell it!  I'm fine with that.  It ain't my baby.  But don't sit here and try to argue with me that formula is just another option that is equally as healthy as breastmilk because you are going to lose that argument.  And, it's making me tired.  **yawn**  Plus, your arguments are doing a great disservice to the many babies whose mothers might not formula feed because they listened to your nonsense.  It's flat out irresponsible.  Quit trying to take the ship down with you.  It's almost spiteful, I say.

I know there are mothers who really wanted to breastfeed and couldn't, but many of them aren't trying to justify it by convincing themselves that formula is just as good.  They know the truth.  And hopefully they'll try breastfeeding next time.  And when they do, I'm there, to support them and help them succeed the way that those around me pushed me to succeed.  I thank "God" that there were women around me this time (both in person and in cyberspace) who wouldn't let me give up.  They gave me and my son a gift I can never repay.  They were HONEST with me.

What the F*&@ is Wrong with You?!?

I'm about to go off.

Pardon me, but what the F**K is wrong with these woman who continue to smoke while they are pregnant?  What the friggen A?!?!?  Are you freaking STUPID?!?!

And don't give me the dumb bullshit about how it's "sooooo hard" to quit.  Tough!  I smoked for 14 YEARS!!! But the minute I found out that there was a fetus breathing in that smoke, I stopped.  Immediately and Permanently.  I seriously won't even let my kids be around someone who smoked earlier that day if I know about it (or can smell it - and let me tell you that I CAN smell smoke a thousand miles away these days.)  I wouldn't let my dad's latest ex-wife hold Jonas because she smelled like a damn bar.

And then there are these woman who quit smoking while pregnant, then start back up again after they have the baby.  Well, I have a classmate whose baby died at 3 weeks old from second hand smoke exposure (DIRECTLY ATTRIBUTED) who will tell you that you're being as stupid as they come.  Her boyfriend's smoking literally choked the poor baby to death.  And don't go congratulating yourself for smoking "outside" or "away from the baby."  It's called THIRD HAND SMOKE.  Look it up! 

Why go to all the trouble of having a baby, then expose them to toxic chemicals leaching off your skin and clothes?  Jesus... of all the preventable things in the world...

Excuse me, but if you think smoking once you've decided to bring kids into this world is "okay" then I call BAD MOMMY!  And Dad, you're not off the hook either.  Get the EFFING cigarette out of your hand and give it up!  Think about what you're doing to your kids when they have to watch daddy deteriorate and die a slow painful death from that smoking.  I have a grandfather who has basically ruined the last 10 years of his wife's life by dying the slowest, most painful death possible from emphysema and heart disease.  He's still hanging on though..... barely.

You may have had an uncle who smoked 2 packs of Camels a day and lived until 96, but I guarantee his qualify of life was crap that last 20 or 30 years.  Nice way to die. (insert eye rolling here.)

That's it.  I'm done.  For now....  but I swear to god if there was a committee I could join to completely OUTLAW parental smoking, I would so be on that committee.

Choice and the Illusion of "Control"

I once had a very Type-A coworker, much like myself.  Very organized, and stressed, and like me, she vibrated with anxiety about all the things she had to take on in a day.  We Type-A's like to plan, that's for sure.  This coworker also scheduled her c-sections because, as another coworker (a friend of hers) put it to me "she likes to be in control of her births."

Really?  I personally can't imagine having any less control than when I was strapped to that table, paralyzed from the ribs down, being sliced into by a bunch of people I could neither see nor hear.  I can't imagine having less control than not being able to reach out and touch my baby, or hold him, or see him for 6 hours after I'd "birthed" him.  I can't imagine having any less control than not being able to move/stand/walk by myself for days and days.  Control?  No.... that seems like the total opposite of "control" to me.

No... I don't call putting my birth in the hands of masked med-pros "taking control."  That is most definitely GIVING control.  And I personally think there is no one more qualified in the world to bring a baby into the world than its own mother.*  Women ought to think harder about things they do, and whether their illusion of control is just that; an illusion.

__________________________________

*outside the true medical emergencies, obviously.

Ridiculous Agenda-Pushing on "Private Practice"

I'm embarrassed to admit that I watch this show.  It stopped being watchable after the first few episodes.  I think it has become a habit, more than anything.  But I'm kicking this habit after tonight's episode.

So far this season we have seen "Dr. Montgomery" perform an unnecessary c-section for a breech baby which ultimately killed the mother, but she saw it as "saving the baby's life" -- and then ridiculously went on to say that she "created a miracle" that day.  I think she compared herself to God.  Yeah... cause killing the mom was no big deal.  This doctor is supposed to be the "best there is" -- but "the best there is" couldn't even deliver a breech baby the normal way?  Sounds like she's a pretty sucky OB if you ask me.

The agenda-pushing gets worse and worse, and more and more obvious with each episode.  Tonight was the absolute worst.

Now, first let me say... the one parenting issue that I am not "granola" about is vaccinations.  I have done the research, and I truly believe in vaccinations as life saving tools.  In fact, I do get upset when I hear about non-vaccinated children.  Last year when I was pregnant, there was a chicken pox outbreak at Jonas's daycare.  He was immunized, but I never had chicken pox and I was terrified that I wasn't immune to it.  Chicken pox can be fatal for fetuses.  It is not something a pregnant woman wants to get.  The results can be tragic.  If my fetus was killed because someone else chose not to vaccinate their child... jesus.... the horror.  When I think about what could have happened to this perfect 8 month old baby sleeping next to me... god, I just can't even imagine.  But as it turns out, I did have immunity.  I was safe.  I dodged that bullet.  But that proved to me how I felt about vaccinations.

However, what freaking pisses me off is that tonight's episode of stupid Private Practice was one big public service announcement about how dangerous it is not to vaccinate.  Yeah, I agree - so why does this piss me off?  Because the whole goddang episode was one big campaign thinly, and I mean thinly disguised as entertainment.  The characters on the show were actually saying that parents who don't vaccinate should have their kids taken away -- or be put in prison!  THEN, one of the doctors went ahead and vaccinated one of the children totally against the mother's wishes.  She was running over screaming "Stop, Stop!" but he big-fat did it anyway.  Do I smell a lawsuit?!?

I'm sick of this show trying to undermine informed parenting choices.  I don't agree with non-vaccination, but it is a choice that some parents make out of doing the what they feel is the absolute best for their child.  They are trying to protect them.   And you want to put them in prison, stupid writers of Private Practice?  Well screw you!

This show, and its agenda pushing, has totally crossed the line.  And please don't get me started on the episode of "Law and Order: SUV" a couple months ago that condemned breastfeeding.  Oh no... just don't get me started.  We'll be here all day.

Hey Stupid Writers: stick to entertaining, and quit trying to push your agendas on well-meaning parents!

"Feminists" don't like breastfeeding.

Lately, I've been thinking that I need to stop calling myself a "feminist" because the "feminists" I usually come across are so dangerously contradictory to everything I believe in regarding women's rights and equality.

Where are the "feminists" promoting safe childbirth and lactation education?  Where are the "feminists" promoting maternity leave benefits and better access to quality childcare?  Where are the feminists fighting for our reproductive rights BEYOND abortion?  WHERE ARE THEY??!?!  These are FEMINIST ISSUES.

• As seen on the IV board last year, "they" think it's okay for doctors to force brutal and unnecessary surgeries on you, risking your health and the health of your children.  Why?  Because women should have the "choice" to have dangerous c-sections.  Even if all the medical evidence in the world shows that this is dangerous as an elective procedure.

• "They" also think you should get your ass back to work as soon as you roll off the operating table.  No time should be spent raising your child.

• "They" think getting post-partum depression is a sign of weakness, and undermines "feminism."  Why?  Because if you're not tough enough, then don't have any kids.  In fact... don't have kids period.

• and "they" think that breastfeeding is stupid.... or at least.. the same as formula feeding.

As you can see.... I made my comments.  But they always fall on deaf ears.  The studies are there... the science is there... so what can I possible do?

I've got to find a different word because "feminism" is taking on some ugly connotations to me.  Or, I've got to find a few other "Feminists" like me and forge ahead.

(Reiza, I know you're with me)

Hey Facebook: Suck On This!

Dear Facebook Owners Idjits,

Please enjoy this beautiful picture of my big, healthy, breastfed son as I discuss with you your eventual demise.  See, Friendster (remember them?) introduced social networking to the world.  What a cool little gizmo that was.  Hipsters all across the land would gather around the vending machines at the dotcoms they worked at to discuss their latest "Friendster" happenings. 

Then something happened.  Along came Myspace.   Myspace was explained to me "like Friendster on steriods."  Gosh, how social networking reallllly took off with Myspace. 200-something-million users later, they were bought up by the corporate giants and it seemed that Myspace just might take over the world.

Then Facebook happened.  Oh yes, you really, really happened.  I believe you went from 40 million users to 140 million users in something like a year?  All the sudden I noticed my friends weren't hanging around their Myspace page, and even posting bulletins saying "I'm outta here; the Grown-Ups are on Facebook now."  Wow!  Good for you.

But, before you go getting too big for your britches, you better get smart.  You may not think that one little virtual nurse-in is going to hurt you, the most powerful social networking tool of the day, but think again.  Cyber-Rome has fallen twice already, and you are next.

The "Grown-Ups" are the reason you exploded, and the "Grown-Ups" will find some place better.  Some place where cowards don't blame TOU's for their gross insecurities about seeing a breastfeeding baby.

Find your gonads, Facebook.  TFB out.

____________________

Friends: feel free to repost this on your Facebook pages.  Just hit the little "Share This" link down below this post.  Infect the whole dang site with breastfeeding propaganda.  What are they going to do?  Start censoring your "Notes"??  Let them try!

If you think formula feeding isn't "that bad"...

...then you just plain don't know any better.

This is just a teeeeny, tiny bit of education (you know.. research, data, cold hard facts) about how dumb it is to formula feed when you don't have to.

Wake up ladies!  And settle in for a "tough love" rant about what you're really doing.

Yeah, yeah, I know the argument.  I too was formula fed, and here I am alive and well.  Maybe.  I mean, how can I know that my mother didn't subject me to some predisposition to cancer because she refused to breastfeed me?  I could be a ticking time bomb.  Cancer runs in my family... my family of people who were never breastfed, by the way.  Did you know that babies die every single year simply because they were not breastfed?  Do you know how many illnesses breastfed babies are protected from?  Do you know how much healthier breastfed babies are in the long run?

Do you know that some organizations like UNICEF killed a whole bunch of babies in Botswana by telling their HIV positive-mothers that they should formula-feed to avoid passing on the HIV?  Yeah... boy oh boy did that backfire.  The babies instead died in 20 times the numbers because of the other illnesses that breastfeeding would have protected them from.  And what "they" found out was that there was only a 5% chance of even passing HIV to a baby through breastmilk... even less if the mother was treated with a simple drug.

Those organizations have now changed their position, and discourage formula feeding.  It only took killing some kids for them to figure this out.  Those poor people.

And I'm really so sick and tired of people saying that "formula is not rat poison."  Okay, but you MUST know that it's not breastmilk either.  And Pepsi isn't rat poison, but I sure as shit am not feeding it to my baby.  That's an ignorant argument.  Show me some research that formula feeding somehow benefits a baby, then maybe we can have a dialogue about it, but you're not going to find that research.  Read the side of your can of formula. It TELLS you that you should be breastfeeding. 

So why are people so quick to defend formula feeding?  Heck... when I formula fed my first son I felt shameful.  I surely wasn't defending it.  I was a lactivist even then.  I knew breast was better - I just didn't have the support the first time around to make it through the tough times.  When Jonas was 4 months old, I wrote a letter to a Chicago radio-personality who said something on the air about breastfeeding in public being "illegal" in some states (which it freaking isn't, but he still refused to issue a correction because he said he was only reading what he was told to read, as though that makes it better... coward!)

Now... there are some ladies I love who chose to formula feed, and I certainly don't want to make anyone feel bad.  But this is just something that I have to share.  I believe babies deserve to be breastfed.  They deserve our best... no matter how hard it may be.  It's what we signed up for.

I urge those who feel like they can't do it; please, get support.  Make it work.  Your baby deserves their mama's liquid gold.

**Rant over.  Exhale. **

____________________

**edited for spelling; you konw how sometimes it's late, and words just don't look right to you?  I think they call that dyslexia.