The Feminist Breeder

Bed-sharing for Just the Children?

Last year, Peggy O’Mara and Mothering Magazine asked the question “Who Wants to Sleep Alone?”  Well, I can tell them who – my oldest son.  The child has never been the co-sleeping or bed-sharing type.  He wants his own space, and if given that, he will sleep a full 12 hours at night and a solid 2-3 hours for daytime naps.  On the off occasions that we did try to bed-share with him, he’d lay awake tossing and turning – or think it was play time.

My younger son is the exact opposite though.  He slept in bed with us for at least a few hours each night until he was a year old.  At that point the night nursing pretty much stopped and he now stays asleep in his room all through the night (most nights.)  But if given the chance, he’ll happily snuggle up in bed with us.  Of course, I don’t sleep when he’s laying next to me so I keep him in his bed whenever possible.  Our bed is just not big enough to for me to be comfortable with a giant toddler tucked under my armpit and a 6”1 man taking up the other half the bed next to me.  I need my space, yo.

Then about a month ago, we decided to rearrange the boys room and give Jonas a full-size bed.  Well, we originally wanted to give him a twin bed and move Jules into the toddler bed, but my husband didn’t want to buy a twin bed when we had his old Bachelor-days full-size bed hanging out in the rafters of the garage.  So I performed engineering acrobatics and managed to fit the full size bed in the boys room, with the toddler bed for Jules situated next to it.  There’s not as much free space in their room now, which bugs me, but whatever… Jonas LOVES his bed.    He tells us so every single day.  He runs all over it shrieking “I love my big boy bed!!! I love it.”  

Julesy seems to like having Jonas’s old toddler bed too.  But invariably, at least half the nights out of the week, Jules ends up crawling into bed with his brother and sleeps there all night.  Jonas isn’t really excited about this.  He yells “Mama, git Jewsy outta my bed!” many times before just giving up and letting his brother pass out next to him.

But last night I got to thinking – what if we just took the toddler bed out of the room?  If Jules is going to end up passed out in Jonas’s full size bed anyway, what’s the point of having it in there?  Think of all the things I could do with that extra space!

But the idea of my kids not having their own bed bugs me.  I understand that lots of AP folks (including that Peggy O’Mara article) will say “but in most other cultures, the whole family shares a bed!”  Okay, fair enough, but are these other cultures doing that by choice, or out of poverty?  Nobody mentions that distinction when they’re rattling off the percentage of bed-sharing families in the world.  Are the richest folks in Switzerland bed-sharing, or it that generally limited to developing countries where a second bed is considered a luxury?  

When I was growing up, there was a lot of bed-sharing going on, but it was NOT a parenting-style choice.  It was because we literally could not afford another bed, or another space for a bed.  Finally getting my own bed was one of the most amazing things that ever happened to me.  And I didn’t get that bed until I was almost 15 years old.

So the idea of taking one child’s bed away and putting them in one big bed just seems wrong to me (for my family).  It doesn’t seem fair.  Even though Jules is totally fine with sleeping in a bed with his brother, his brother is not super jazzed about that, and I think it’s okay for Jonas to want his own space.  Kids are different… whoduthunkit?

So I guess I decided to leave Julesy’s bed right where it is.  That sorta bums me out though because I’d really like to free up the space in that room.  I’m just not ready to force them to share a bed.  If they end up bed-sharing by choice, I won’t stop it, but I don’t want that to be their only option.  I’m still emotionally conflicted over it.

How would you handle this situation?

The Girl is Crafty like Ice is Cold

A few years ago I wanted curtains but I couldn't find any that I liked, and none that I could afford either (window treatments are expensive, yo!)

So I told the Hyphenated Husband it would be cheaper to buy a sewing machine and some fabric and let me make my own.  It was a LOT of work and I really had no idea what I was doing.  I had to call my aunt and ask her how to thread the bobbin, then I read the directions that came with the sewing machine to figure out the rest.  But to this very day one of the first things people say when they come into my home is how cool my curtains are.  I get compliments on them all the time.  They are pretty cool... even if they are probably sewn all wrong.  A trained seamstress would probably laugh at my execution, but to the untrained eye they look just fine.

So since then I've taken on a little sewing project here and there when I get a wild hair up in the nether places.  This year I decided to make the kids' Halloween costumes, so I went looking for some online tutorials on how to make the pants I needed for Julesy's monster costume.  I found this AWESOME page from Rookie Moms that shows how to make baby pants from an old t-shirt!  I tried that a few nights ago and Hyphenated Husband was so impressed with my pant-making skills, he said I should make some other outfits for the kids too.  I decided to start out trying pajamas.  I figured it would be more forgiving, and if I screwed them up royally then nobody would ever see them outside the house.  So I went a-shoppin' at JoAnn Fabrics today and picked out some super cute prints.

What you're seeing here is my first ever attempt at making a complete pajama set.  I learned how to sew the shirt from a YouTube video tonight.  Overall I'm pretty pleased with myself.  I LOVE the fabric and applique I used, but the shirt came out looking very feminine (maybe it's the trim, or the cut, or both... I dunno, but I hope I can fix that next time.)  You can click on the photo to blow it up and see the detail.  The pants are a Rock N Roll guitar/radio print, and I put a "Rock N Roll" applique on the shirt.  I loved the concept, I just wish that damn shirt hadn't come out looking so girly.  That would be fine if I had a girl (or if I have a girl in the future) but it looks funny on Julesy since the kid is built like a teeny football player.

If you have any sewing tips, or links to favorite sites, please leave them in the comments.  I'm not going to get all serious about it, but my little craft projects are a nice stress reliever when I have time to do them, and I'd like to make something usable every time.

No, Formula is Not "Fine"

As the #NestleFamily scandal unfolded, you saw twitterers from all over the country weighing in on the debate.  Some made it very clear that the problem we have with Nestle is their unethical business practices, just one being their blatant violation of the World Health Organization's marketing codes for infant formula.  In case you're wondering why that's a big deal, understand  that an estimated 1.3 million children die each year from not being breastfed, especially in developing worlds (but not only in developing worlds - many right here in this country.)  A few years back, it was discovered that a Unicef effort to encourage formula feeding in Botswana (as a misguided  and fatally flawed attempt to limit the transmission of HIV from mother to baby) resulted in children dying in 20 times the usual numbers.  Horrifying results.  But even though most of the NestleFamily twitter debaters tried hard to keep this issue from turning into a breast vs. formula debate, others Twitter Debaters insisted that Nestle's WHO Code violation was a non-issue because "my kid was formula fed and he/she is fine."

I have a huge problem with this sort of statement.  To say any formula fed child is "fine" is to argue that formula is "fine", ergo "the same as breastmilk" - and that is an outright falsehood.  People making these statements think that because their formula fed child isn't limping around the schoolyard, slurring their ABC's, then this is evidence that formula is a perfect substitute for breastmilk.  You'll find people like BackPacking Dad on Twitter making jokes like "Formula causes scurvy, leukemia, and libertarianism. Breast-feeding gives babies x-ray vision."  Very thoughtful and helpful, dude.  That was funny how he used sarcasm to undermine the real science and evidence we have on the effects of formula feeding.  Wow, what a totally smart argument.  (See, I can be sarcastic too.) ;)

First off, breastmilk protects children again unseen enemies like childhood leukemia and type 1 and 2 diabetes.  It also protects against asthma, dermatitis, and obesity, just to name a few things.  The next intensely important benefit of breastfeeding is that it helps protect mothers against breast cancer, ovarian cancer, Type 2 diabetes, and Post-Partum Depression.  No formula in the world can even attempt to offer those kinds of benefits to mothers.

If formula feeding puts women and children at greater risk for short term or long term health issues, then how in the world is that "fine."  It's not. Stop kidding yourself.

But here is where some people argue that mothers face such pressure to breastfeed that we need to lay off the "Breast is Best" mantra and support whatever choice they make.  To that I say "Give Me A Break."  Pressure to breastfeed?  Laughable.  According to the CDC, in 2008 only 7.2% of American Infants were breastfed exclusively to age 6 months.  That's it.  Shocking, isn't it?  7.2% of infants were fed according to the guidelines set forth by pediatric health experts.  So who in the world are these people supposedly pressuring women to breastfeed?  I see 10 ads a day for formula on television.  ZERO for breastfeeding.  I see a new article every week about some woman who was harassed or kicked out of an establishment for breastfeeding her child, and yet not a single woman has ever been kicked out of anywhere for formula feeding.  Does Not Happen.  You can't open any parenting magazine without seeing ads for infant formula splashed on every 3rd page.  We live in a Formula-Pushing world.  In 2008, only 62% of babies in this country were EVER breastfed and only 58% are still getting at least some breastmilk by the time they leave the hospital.  Only 20% of children in this country are given breastmilk all the way to 12 months of age, which is the minimum suggested by the American Academy of Pediatrics - (the World Health Organization actually suggests until at least 24 months.)  Our breastfeeding rates are dismal, and they speak for themselves.  So nobody is going to convince me that women are facing such pressure to breastfeed.  If you are facing pressure to breastfeed, either count yourself lucky, or turn 5 degrees in another direction and you'll find swarms of people waiting to give you free formula and a big pat on the back.

When my 10 lb second son was born, I couldn't throw a nursing pad without hitting someone who tried to convince me I'd never be able to breastfeed this child.  He's 17 months and I'm still nursing him today, no thanks to most of the people around me.  That picture to the right is the stack of formula sitting behind the desk at my own pediatrician's office.  If you go into the office with a breastfeeding struggle, you're given some formula.  It's like going to an AA meeting and being sent home with a 6-pack of beer, "just in case."  Even my pro-breastfeeding husband got frustrated one night and said "Just give him formula!" (and yes, he nearly lost an eye for that.)  If I hadn't been able to seek out hardcore breastfeeding help on these here internets, or from the few women I know who weren't afraid to give me that extra push, I'm sure I would have given up on us.  And it would have broken my heart.  I gave up breastfeeding my first son after 4 weeks because everyone convinced me I'd be so much "happier" if I just started formula feeding. They were WRONG.  I was not happier.  I was horribly depressed about it, and it certainly was NOT because society made me feel what I did was wrong.  Breastfeeding was a huge, painful struggle for Jonas and I, but if I'd had the support to make it through I know I/we would be better off today. The well meaning people around me did nothing but contribute to my failure, and I think it is partly out of ignorance, and partly to make themselves feel better about not breastfeeding their own child.

Why else would parents, knowing all the science and knowing it is a sub-par feeding solution, run around telling everybody else it's "fine?"  I formula fed, yes, I did.  But do I sit here pretending that what I did was perfectly the same as breastfeeding?  Absolutely not.  I would never, ever tell another mother that either.  What kind of favor is that?

I'm not saying that formula hasn't been necessary in some situations, and I'm not saying I would shame another mother for doing what she had to do.  I don't have any problem with a mother who feels like she needs some help from formula, so long as she's making an informed choice on the matter.  But I will not sit idly by and listen to mothers try to drag other mothers and babies down with false information, or even well-meaning misguidance.  As Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan famously said "You are entitled to your opinion.  But you are not entitled to your own facts."

For people who'd try to use their own anecdotes to convince others that their formula-fed kids turned out fine, all I can think is "Okay, we'll see" OR "Good for you, 1.3 million other kids this year weren't so lucky."

Breast IS Best - and no amount of tip-toeing around the subject is going to make that fact go away.  So I'm not going to tip-toe.  And if you don't like it, I'll give you the address for my pediatrician's office where you get all the free infant formula you can carry.  You will have no trouble at all finding formula-feeding support.  Look around you.  93% of the babies around you are being formula-fed by their mothers.

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Updated to add: After some commentors drew my attention to this article, I would like to change my language to say, no, breast is not just "best".. breast is in fact the standard, and anything else is simply subpar.

The Big, Hairy Vaccination Post and My Visit to GlaxoSmithKline

In case you're just tuning in, GlaxoSmithKline invited TFB and some other (what they call) "Social Media Influencers" to their vaccination production facility in Marietta PA last week.  They took care of our flights, meals, and hotel, and treated us with mucho respect as they gave us insight into their business.  I know you're wondering why they would do this, and that's a valid question.  I can imagine some people equating this to the "Nestle Family" blogger scandal, but the two are nothing alike and I'll tell you why.  We all went because it was educational, because it was a good opportunity to see some other bloggers and see how they felt about this issue, and because the general public never gets invited into these buildings so it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.  They were not giving us free goodie bags filled with their products, and they are not splashing us around their advertising in an effort to use our brand to promote their brand - unlike the Nestle Corporation.  I owe GlaxoSmithKline nothing for this trip - not even a nice review.

So why were we invited then?  As I understand it, pharmaceutical companies are intensely regulated about what they can say to consumers, whereas the people who tend to argue against vaccinations are hardly regulated at all.  Because of this, GSK wanted to bring in a few consumers (who happen to have a voice) to share the way GSK feels about the vaccination debate (in the most benign, can't-get-sued way.).  That's my assessment of the situation.  Their lawyers had their lips locked pretty tight, too. They would not allow them to mention the name of any product they make (so we had to deduce) and we were not allowed to take any pictures on the property (fair enough.)

They hosted us for a little over 4 hours, the first 2 hours being a presentation about the benefits of vaccinations.  In this presentation, we were given information about how vaccinations are developed, manufactured, tested, and finally released to the public.  We were also shown some graphic images of the effects of various diseases, and given statistics about the rates at which these diseases had been eradicated since the introduction of the vaccination.  For example: in what they call the "Pre-Vaccination Era" there were an estimated 16,316 cases of Polio annually*.  Since the introduction of vaccinations, 0 cases.  I think we can all agree that's a huge step forward for humanity, and given those kind of statistics it's not hard to see why the employees of GSK are so proud of the vaccinations they develop and distribute. 

But having said that, I couldn't let those statistics go without asking some tough questions.  I asked them if they had any data on hand to show the number of cases of Autism in the Pre-Vaccination Era vs. Today.  They did not.  I also asked them what they could tell me about Thimerosal and why it was still being used in some vaccinations given what some science suggests about it.  They said that the manufacturers have removed Thimerosal from most vaccinations, but not because they believed any of the science that suggests it's harmful.  They say they removed it because of the public concern, and they'd rather not have people avoiding their vaccinations just because they think there's something harmful in them.  I don't necessarily believe that, but it sounds like a fair enough answer. I also wanted to know what they thought of the health care professionals who are publicly condemning the new H1N1 shot, but GSK claimed no knowledge of such incidents. To be fair, I do think they were bound by legalities that prevented them from discussing the issue with me further. 

The second 2 hours of the visit was the tour of the facility itself.  If you've ever watch that show "How It's Made" you'd think was pretty cool.  To enter the packaging room, we had to dress head to toe in clean room clothes (<---we looked something like that) and it was quite amusing. This was the part where we were really bummed that we couldn't take pictures of ourselves dressed in this garb.  After watching the dozens of steps these little vials go through before they can be shipped, I can honestly say that GSK takes quality control with the utmost seriousness.  They said over and over, public safety is their highest concern.  I was actually very refreshing to see a team of people (scientists/pediatricians/professionals) taking such pride in their product, and showing such great concerned about the people who will ultimately be receiving these drugs.

That was the gist of those 4 hours, so let's talk now about how I feel about the vaccination debate itself.

I rarely, if ever, bring up the topic of vaccinations on my blog.  For starters, I don't have much fiery passion about the them, and secondly, I'm just not as educated about debate as I am other debates.  I can point you toward absolute science that proves unnecessary cesareans are dangerous, and that breastfeeding is the best way to feed baby.  I don't think there's much to argue about there (although the uneducated masses sure find ways to). 

But when it comes to vaccinations, there is a lot of science, and a lot of questions, and a lot of smart people cannot agree at all on which side to listen to.  So many health professionals disagree with which vaccinations are truly necessary, and which may have adverse effects on a certain population.  I can see both sides of the issue.  I understand why we should vaccinate, and I understand why some people refuse to.  Given that there is some room for debate in this area, I don't feel comfortable making a judgment call on it.  I do what I do and hope for the best.

I, personally, do believe that vaccinations have saved many lives and have completely eradicated some horrifying illnesses.  I think even the most hardcore anti-vax'er would agree with that.  And yes, it does scare me when I see an epidemic of people not vaccinating because I do think it is a public health issue.  Some other family's decision can have a direct impact on my family, and that's concerning, to say the least.  I will unabashedly say that I was quite upset 2 years ago when I was freshly pregnant with my second son, and there was a chicken pox outbreak at my first son's daycare.  Jonas had been vaccinated so I wasn't worried about him coming down with it, but I WAS worried about him carrying it home.  I never had chicken pox, and if I was infected that could have proved lethal for my unborn child.  I was a hysterical mess trying to figure out what I could do to keep from catching it and keep my fetus safe.  As it turned out, one of those millions of tests the doctor runs on you when you first show up pregnant is to test to see if you have immunity to the Varicella virus (because it is such a huge problem for pregnant women), and luckily the test showed I was safe.  I must have been exposed at some point in my life without knowing and developed an immunity.  My family tells the story of how I had chicken pox in my throat (but nowhere else) when I was a baby, but I never really believed it. However, the fact that I even had to worry about this potentially hurting my child made me very angry.  People think of Chicken pox as being such a harmless little external rash, but it's not so harmless if it severely cripples or kills an unborn child.

Having said all of that, I do not think that the lives saved are a free pass for pharmaceutical companies to do whatever they want.  When I spoke with a friend about this (who has an Autistic son and therefore no longer vaccinates her children) she brought up a very good point.  Pediatric health experts advise us to give only breastmilk and no other substance to a child less than 6 months of age.  Furthermore, when we do introduce the pees and carrots, we are instructed to introduce one at a time for fear that there could be some life-threatening allergic reaction, and we need to know exactly which one caused it.  Yet at the same time, some of the same experts advise pumping dozens of vaccinations (consisting of formaldehyde, egg protien, Thimerosal, monkey kidney tissue, and a myriad of other ingredients) into babies just an hour/a week/a month old?  That seems counter-intuitive to me.  But I'm no microbiologist.  Most of us aren't.  Of course, that's never prevented me from looking at evidence based information and making my own decision about something.  I just wish the experts could get on the same page so we don't all have to do their job for them.

From what I can gather about the debate, it's not that anti-vax community loves Polio and want their children to have it.  I'm pretty sure they realize what a devastating illness that is.  I think that the main issue anti-vax'ers (or even just skeptical vax'ers) have is with the number of vaccinations, the timing of them, and the ingredients of them.  If we can protect ourselves from plagues SAFELY - without causing autism, and without any adverse side effects - then we all win.... right? 

I dunno, you tell me.

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I'm asking you all to pretty-please be respectful in your commenting, and don't rag on me because I may or may not think any one thing about vaccinations.  I'm just not in the mood this week and your comment will never see the light of day.  But if you have something respectful, thoughtful, and/or informed to add to this discussion then I/we cannot wait to hear it.  Comment away!

"United They Nurse" - Lactivists Make the Front Page

(Front page of the Saturday edition of the Chicago Sun Times)

When Reporters Listen to Lactivists

Yesterday I complained to anyone who would listen about a Chicago reporter inaccurately stating Illinois breastfeeding laws in reference to a breastfeeding in public story.  I was up at 2 a.m. this morning writing email exchanges with the reporter on the story in an effort to talk her into realizing the gravity of her inaccuracies.  At first she felt that Illinois state law didn't apply here, but I explained how important it is that Illinois breastfeeding protection laws are accurately cited in any case of breastfeeding discrimination so those listening to the story know their boundaries, and realize that this issue is a matter of law, and should be treated with sensitivity.

Thankfully, she listened, and when CBS 2 covered the story again today, she changed her language to respect the protections afforded to nursing mothers in Illinois.

Today all of Chicago's major news outlets covered the Nurse-In organized by Lauren Trost, which was attended by 60 mothers as well as representatives of the Le Leche League.  I think this has to be one of the most positive outcomes from an otherwise negative experience that I have seen in years.  Perhaps the tide is turning - but I think we owe a lot of this to the power of strong legislation that grants freedom through protection.  This couldn't have happened in a state that doesn't protect a mother's right to nurse in public, and it would have been a whole lot more debatable in any state that only has weak language on the subject.

But watch the video on the story - it will make any lactivist's heart swell up with pride over what Lauren & the Lactivists (that should be a band name) were able to accomplish.  Take one breastfeeding bill, add one jerk who doesn't know their place, then multiply it times all the social media outlets who will make a rally cry go viral, and you have some serious social change.  This is why I keep trying.  Now let's get this Breastfeeding Promotion Act passed and we can really make some progress!

Man, I luvs me some law.

This Week's Giveaway at "The Feminist Shopper"

This week, enter to win a brand new Thirsties DUO Wrap diaper cover and Fab Doubler Insert at The Feminist Shopper, courtesy of Mom's Milk Boutique.  I just love giving stuff away to excited readers. It puts me in my happy place.

Go forth and enter.

Mommy Guilt - It's all about Perspective

There has been a particularly large volume of anti-lactivist articles and blogs surfacing lately, and I’m trying to make sense of them.  It seems that every mother who formula feeds feels the need to lash out against the women who told her she could/should breastfeed.  It goes the other way too.  Those of us who needed support breastfeeding, and only had formula feeding shoved in our face, are equally as pissed off about the things we were told – even if the person promoting formula feeding was just trying to help.  Perhaps they saw a stressed out mom and thought “Jeez honey, why are you doing this to yourself? … give the kid some Similac and call it a day … you’ll be much happier.” – not knowing that they were unintentionally slapping that woman’s breastfeeding efforts across the face.

It’s not just with breastfeeding though.  This is a strong phenomena in all aspects of natural birthing and mothering.  Some who’ve had c-sections get offended when women talk about natural childbirth.  They loved their c-sections and thought they were necessary, so shut-up-you-stupid-hippy-with-your-stupid-painful-natural-childbirth-nonsense.  And those who are traumatized by their medicated or cesarean births are offended when someone says “It doesn’t matter how the baby came out.”  That’s another big slap in the face.  Those are the kinds of statements that exacerbate the post-partum depression and post-traumatic stress disorder caused by that woman’s traumatic birth experience.  But the person’s intention is to help, so how can you fault them?

Well, as they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

A friend/family member/provider can make a comment, and depending on the mother’s perspective, that comment can be taken a number of different ways.  That comment can be seen differently even by the same mother depending on what mood or mind frame she is in.

Example:

Setting: My 1st Pregnancy, 1st prenatal appointment

Midwife: are you going to breastfeed?
Me: Hell No!
Midwife:  Why not?
Me: Because that’s disgusting!
Midwife: You really should think about breastfeeding, here is some information.

(later, to my formula feeding friend)

Me: That midwife was so f*cking mean!!  She practically held me down and forced me to say I would breastfeed!
My Friend: Yuck! I didn’t breastfeed, and you don’t have to either
Me: Thank you, you’re such a good friend!

Fast forward 2 and a half years...

Setting: Pediatrician’s Office – 2nd baby’s 1 week postnatal checkup

Pediatrician: He hasn’t regained his birth weight yet
Me: So? He was born nearly 10 lbs
Pediatrician: Well, we should give him some formula too, just for now
Me: Um, no, that ruined my breastfeeding relationship the first time, I’m not doing that route again
Pediatrician: But I’m really worried about his slow weight gain

(later, to my breastfeeding friends)

Me: That stupid Pediatrician tried to tell me I’m starving my baby!
My Friend: They don’t know what they’re talking about – see, here’s some information – keep breastfeeding, you’re doing great
Me: Thank you, you’re such a good friend.

Do you see what I mean?  I am the same person, just with a different perspective, and that perspective paints each of my interactions with a very different brush.  Was that first midwife forcing me to breastfeed?  No. Was that pediatrician forcing me to formula feed?  No.  But what I heard them say was determined by my OWN feelings about the situation.

So, if you’re feeling guilty over formula-feeding, why not take a step back and determine *why* you feel guilty.  Did that lactation consultant really call you a "shitty mother" because you made the informed decision to quit breastfeeding?  Or is that just what you heard?  No one can make you feel something unless you let them, so if you’re feeling guilty, perhaps you have deeper feelings about breastfeeding or formula feeding than you’d like to admit?  And if you don’t, then you should be happy with your decision – plain and simple.  No one has the ability to go into your head and force your brain to transmit guilt into your soul.  Guilt is self-inflicted.  It’s your conscience telling your brain to consider this decision with care because this one really matters to you.

How about we all put these "wars" into perspective and realize that happiness comes from within.  Make your decision, with information, please, and then be happy with the path you’ve chosen.  If someone has a different opinion, take it for what it is – an opinion – and don’t internalize the chatter unless what they're saying helps support your informed decision.

Then, none of us have anyone to blame for our Mommy Guilt except ourselves.

Things You Should Read Thursday

Did you hear?  Formula-feeding automatically makes you a happier mother?  It also makes you more attactive because breastfeeding ruins your body.  Did you also know that some lactation consultants are so mean they actually coax women to their deaths?

You didn't know all this?

Wait, you didn't know all this???  Perhaps that's because it's not true.  But that's not what these two journalists would have you believe.  So this week's Things You Should Read Thursday highlights two different articles by "Anti-Lactivists" charging breastfeeding with everything from ruining your body to promoting suicide.

Laura Rosen Cohen: Breast is best?
Oh my god, it's so painfully awful to be a breastfeeding mother that, same as Hannah Rosin, this mom does it, but then touts alllll the reasons in the world why it's such a totally useless thing to do.  Spare me.

Daisy Goodwin: The breast is best Gestapo: The 'natural childcare' zealots who make women feel like failures
Here we see a lactation counselor being blamed for a suicidal mother's death.  The author charges that the mother was made to feel like a failure by the LC, and that is why she committed suicide.  Seriously?  That's all it takes to get somebody to off themself?  It couldn't have been that perhaps the mother was suffering from some serious clinical depression brought on either long before she ever had children, or from Post Partum Depression (an affliction, btw, that breastfeeding helps ward off)???  Oy.

I'm so sick of breastfeeding advocates being charged with making mothers feel guilty.  First of all, this is horsecrap.  No one can "make" you feel anything unless you let them.  This is nothing more than projected guilt, and for every single mother who says she was pressured to breastfeed, there is another mother just like her somewhere who says she's being pressured NOT to breastfeed.  In fact, the latter is far more likely.

I'm sure there are a couple thousand AP, Jack-Newman-reading folks who would have me believe that weaning my 1 year old would do serious psychological damage to him.  My opinion?  That is their own psychological damage talking.  And the guilt I feel over possibly weaning is my OWN guilt, and nothing that anyone else has done to me.

Now - If you don't want to learn how to breastfeed easier, why in the world would you call a lactation consultant?  They are there to "consult" you on "lactating."  They are not there to teach you how to bottle feed and absolve you of any guilt you may be feeling over your decision.  I wouldn't hire a plumber to have him talk me out of getting my leaky toilet fixed.

You have a problem - You hire a professional to help you deal with it.  You don't like their advice, then come up with your own solution.  If you feel guilty about your decision, ask yourself why because guilt can ONLY come from within yourself.

The rest of the woman who are desperately seeking out help with breastfeeding issues greatly benefit from those of us willing to be called "Nazi's" for lending our support to their efforts.  Without the "Nazi's" I may have given up breastfeeding my second son, which would have landed me right back in the same depression I felt while I formula fed my first son.

Then who could I hold responsible for my unhappiness as a mother?

To Wean or Not to Wean: That is the Question

My son will be One Year old in 10 days.  Long before I ever got pregnant with him, I said I would breastfeed him for a year.  My older son was barely breastfed for a month, and I have a full time job and a full time class schedule plus a business I run on the side, so breastfeeding for a full year, without any formula supplementation whatsoever, was certainly a lofty goal for this mom.

But I did it.

I suffered through supply crises, plugged ducts, mastitis, and the stress of a pumping schedule that would make most hardcore lactivists cringe.  I sat in stinky toilet stalls at Loyola University and pumped away while the 20 yr old college students wondered what the hell the swooshing noise was coming from the stall.  I revolved my work schedule around my let-downs, and worried every single morning and every single night that I might forget my horns or my bottles or my milk or my Mother’s Room key or my pump and Oh My God, what would happen then?  I cried when I accidentally left a whole day’s worth of pumped milk in my school bag, ruining the entire batch.  I filled myself with Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle, drank disgusting Chinese broths, got acupuncture, and still none of it worked to keep me from worrying that one day I might just dry up, and my plans of breastfeeding for a full year without using any formula whatsoever would be completely ruined.

But even through all of that, I made it.

And I have been anxiously awaiting the day that I could close up shop, pack away the pump, and never have to worry about another plugged duct again.  But now that the time is near, I’m not so sure I’m ready to call it quits.  I have been sick to my stomach over this decision for some time now, so I am soliciting stories, opinions, advice, or support to help me make this decision.  Please, fill up my comments with anything you can think of to help me navigate these crossroads.

Here is my Type A, logical breakdown of the situation:

REASONS TO KEEP NURSING

• I love nursing him, and he loves nursing.
• It’s the one thing I can offer my child that nobody else can, which is important since I’m away from him so much with work and school.
• There are numerous health benefits for continuing to nurse for another year
• I won’t have to go through painful weaning, which will certainly piss him off, and probably cause me some plugged ducts or mastitis along the way
• The WHO recommends breastfeeding for 2 years

REASONS TO WEAN

• I cannot take one more day of managing these breasts.  I miss the days where I didn’t have to constantly worry about them.
• I can’t lay on my stomach or I’ll get a plugged duct. 
• I can’t get more than a few hours of sleep or I’ll get a plugged duct.
• As long as I’m nursing this baby will NEVER SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT (and I’m sorry AP folks, I think babies SHOULD be sleeping through the night at this age, and this whole family is suffering from this baby’s need to use me as a pacifier all night long.  It’s NOT FAIR to any of us anymore.  Judge away, I don’t give a shit – tell Dr. Sears to attempt 18 hour work days, 10 page papers, presentations to Senior VPs, and decorating buttercream Cinderellas all in one day, and let me know if he still thinks a toddler should be keeping him awake all night.)
• I have tried “Night-Weaning” Julesy and that goes over like a fart in church.  He screams bloody murder like we’re ripping him limb from limb until his brother is woken up crying too, and then I finally give in and pop a boob in his mouth.  I suspect that it’s going to be All or Nothing with this kid.
• Sometimes I think he ONLY sees me as “The Boob”.
• I can’t have too much alcohol or I’ll get the baby drunk – I’m not a huge drinker, but god damn, I AM an adult and sometimes this adult would like to be able to have a few glasses of wine without the possibility of being charged with child endangerment.
• I can’t (won’t) get back on Zoloft while I’m nursing, which I’m really starting to feel like I may need again – though this could only be a temporary hormone fluxuation from the breastfeeding slowing down.
• I am completely touched-out all the time, and it really makes me detest being touched by my husband.  Not great for the spirit of the marriage, let me say.
• I want my body back for at least a year before we start trying to get pregnant again.
• The AAP recommends breastfeeding for 1 year – I have done what is asked of me.

So there it is.  I’m not really ready to be done, but I am SO READY TO BE DONE.  Sounds simple, right?  Not so much.

How can I have it both ways?

Law & Order SVU Has Jumped the Vaccination Shark

Dear Law & Order SVU Writers,

Perhaps you missed my blog about how I quit Private Practice over their stupid, stupid vaccination episode in which a child dies from Measles (or mumps, I can’t remember which) and the hospital thinks the mother should be jailed.  Or perhaps you thought that the mere presence of Private Practice still on the air, no matter how unexplained because, let’s face it, that show sucks, meant that they were onto something with their blatant agenda pushing.

But last night, you took a far bigger leap than even Stupid Private Practice did.  You actually put a mother on trial for not vaccinating her child, not because her own child died, but because another child that her child MAY or MAY NOT have come into contact with died.  Was I the only one watching thinking “HOW can they have a case??? They never even proved the two children came in contact!”

You. Have got. To be kidding. Me.

Besides the sheer absurdity of the charges, there is NO WAY the D.A. could have proven that case!  Shouldn’t there be some tiny little glimmer of reality in this show to keep us all from rolling our eyes at the TV for the entire hour?

Again, I stress, I am PRO-vaccination.  It worries me a great deal when parents don’t vaccinate their children because these things are lethal, and it’s not really fair to expose children too young to be vaccinated to a disease whose risks far outweigh the risks of vaccination. 

But seriously: Jail?  And for THE MOTHER ONLY???  Please tell me where the hell the FATHER was in these charges.  Do fathers not have any say in their child’s vaccination schedule?  Are fathers not deemed the responsible party when things go awry?  What a wretchedly obvious case of blatant sexism.

Well Law & Order SVU… I’m done with you now too.  I’ve been a loyal fan for most of my adult life, but this was enough to make me un-Tivo you.

Good riddance.

How to Make Pop-Up Cloth Wipes

I assume that most parents who use cloth diapers also use cloth wipes, and everyone has their own special solution or formula.  I was originally still using disposable wipes with the cloth diapers, but that just creates a big mess since you then have to throw yucky poopy wipes in the garbage.  Ick.  I wanted to switch to cloth wipes, but I wanted it to be as convenient as disposables, especially because Hyphenated Husband was NOT into the cloth wipe idea at all. 

At first I bought the expensive Thirsties wipes, which were a total waste of money in my opinion.  I can't believe they get such great reviews. They feel like velour - so image trying to wipe poop off a butt with a thick velour cloth.  Not happening.  Then I asked my mommy friends what they use and they pointed me toward the Circo baby washcloths ($2.99/5 pack) from Target.  Absolutely perfect.  I sat down to fold them into the container, and I felt like I struck a bit of genius by realizing I could fold them so they worked in the pop-up container - popping up one-at-a-time - just like disposables... only better.

So here are my instructions for "Pop-Up Cloth Wipes."  Enjoy!

Step 1: Lay out the first cloth, then put the second cloth halfway over it

 

Step 2: Fold one cloth over the other

  

Step 3: Lay another cloth over the side you just folded over (here it's the striped side)

 

Step 4: Fold the opposite side over the cloth you just laid down (here we''ll fold the blue cloth over)

 

Step 5: Keep laying and folding until you have a high enough stack

 

Step 6: Place the wipes in an old disposalbe "Pop Up" style container.  This one is my favorite.

Step 7: Use a few cups of water with a drop or two of Tea Trea Oil (optional, but it keeps the wipes fresher longer)

  

Step 8: Pour this solution over the wipes until they're good and soaked

 

Voila!  Close the container and pull the first wipe through.  You'll enoy the convenience of a one-at-a-time pop up wipe system just like disposables - except with cloth instead!

My New Mei Tai

Lately I've been really wanting a proper baby-wearing device.  My homemade Moby Wrap worked well when Jules was small, but it has shrunken from washing, and he's really just too heavy now to heave in and out of that thing.  Plus, it's such a contraption.  I hate how long it takes to get it wrapped around me, and when I was fussing with it on the train last week, people were looking at me like I was nutty.  So last week at Target I decided to buy the cheap Jelly Bean sling I saw.  I had it for a week, and then decided that if I was really going to get a new baby-wearing device, I shouldn't settle for a crappy, ill-fitting one from Target.  So I returned that one, and while we were downtown today I decided to stop into Be By Baby to check out their sling selection.  They are the biggest "granola-mama" shop in the city with the biggest selection of slings around (except for online of course.)  I was excited to see that I could demo all the devices and that the sales staff was more than happy to help me try everything out.  I was originally thinking of a Ring-Sling, but the sales lady suggested either the Mei Tai or an Ergo carrier.  John and I both tried each of them on, with both Jonas and Jules, and we decided that the Mei Tai was the way to go.  It's so dang comfortable, and we love that there are no buckles to adjust.  I'm even going to show the MIL how to use it so she can lug Julesy around in it when she's with him.

Wearing Jonas in it was so awesome. He's 30 lbs, but it felt like carrying no weight at all.  He kept saying "I love this!" and laying his head on my chest.  It almost made me a little sad that I never really did baby-wearing with him when he was little.  I felt like it was making us so much closer.  The wrap was $90, so we couldn't afford to get two of them, but I really would like another one so that John and I could each carry one of the kids when we're out.  I'll have to look on Craigslist or at Once Upon a Child to find a used one, if I can.

Yay for baby-wearing!  Yay for the Mei Tai! 

There's a Name for It - "Equally Shared Parenting"

In the past few days -- due to a combination of me joining Twitter, and simultaneously stumbling into a whole new world of awesome mommy bloggers thanks to the ridiculous Rosin article -- I have been more informed and exposed than I have been in a very long time.

I found a wonderful site called "Blacktating" - the title alone makes me thing this woman is incredibly smart and funny.

I found a site called PhD in Parenting which led me to many other feminist/mothering sites that I wish I had found years ago.

But I think the biggest surprise of all was finding a website called Equally Shared Parenting, run by a mother and a father who, well, as the title suggests: equally share parenting duties.  Isn't that an interesting idea. (<--note the period, not a question mark.)

The thing is that the Hyphenated Husband and I have been doing this "Shared Parenting" for 3 years.  We shared pregnancy, as much as that is physically possible.  He read all the books he could, and tried his hardest to help me navigate the rough pregnancy waters.  We shared the birth, as much as that physically possible.  He studied Bradley coaching, and fought for me in the hospital when the doctors tried to cut me open the second time - and we won that battle, thanks largely to Husband.  And parenting has always been BOTH of our responsibilities.  Even breastfeeding is shared between us.  No, of course Husband isn't putting the baby to his breast, but he's doing pretty much everything else.  He cleans all the bottles and packs them up for me to take to work every day.  He puts the milk away when we come home.  If I need to pump at home, he sets everything up for me and then puts everything away when I'm done.  If Julesy needs to nurse at night, Husband brings him into our room, and takes him back when I'm done.  Since I'm the one actually making food with my own body, managing the equipment is really the least the Husband can do.

Cooking, cleaning, diaper changes, laundry, and childrearing are also things we share.  Why?  Because it's both of our house, both of our kids, and both of our responsibility to keep things running smoothly.  He didn't marry a maid or a nanny.  He married a feminist, and he wouldn't have it any other way.  The man hyphenated his last name with mine, so even our name-change was "equally shared."

Now, I realize that many women live in households where their husbands just sort of come and go as they please, play golf on the weekends with their buddies, and wouldn't do a dish or change a diaper to save their own life.  But I certainly would never be married to that type of man.  I have a hard enough time putting up with this man, and he's about as great as they come.

I'm so happy to see that this modern movement has a name - and a website filled with great advice to help couples achieve this parenting style.  But I think it really just boils down to what a woman will put up with.  If you don't mind being a Single Mom with a husband, then a-okay.  But if changing every single diaper and doing every single feeding is not your idea of fairness, then it's time to talk to the man about "Equally Shared Parenting."  Tell the husband to put down the video game controller and get it together.  ESP is where it's at.  As the website says, it's "half the work, all the fun."

My Response to “The Case Against Breastfeeding.”

The article is long, so I won’t get into all the gory details.  Suffice to say that I believe the writer has filled it with half-truths, misleading information, and downright lies.

One glaring example that I can directly nullify is this --

She says: “It is a serious time commitment that pretty much guarantees that you will not work in any meaningful way.”

Well… we all know that I am a perfect example of how that statement is a big pile of bullshit. I have a complex career working in your typical corporate 9-5, 40 hour a week atmosphere.  I also go to school 8 hours a week (not including commuting and studying) and spend many other hours a week on my side business.

In total, I spend approximately 60-70 hours a week WORKING in a MEANINFUL way, getting straight A's --- and, oh, wait for it... wait for it... All while breastfeeding.  So listen lady, if you don’t want to work just because you’re breastfeeding, then that’s between you and your husband, but don’t make it sound like the rest of us can’t handle it.

She goes on to say:  “Let’s say a baby feeds seven times a day and then a couple more times at night. That’s nine times for about a half hour each, which adds up to more than half of a working day, every day, for at least six months. This is why, when people say that breast-feeding is “free,” I want to hit them with a two-by-four. It’s only free if a woman’s time is worth nothing.”

Does the author not realize that the baby will need to spend time eating one way or another?  The time spent feeding the baby is a wash.  That is, unless you’re also going to assign a dollar amount to hours spent feeding  your baby formula too.  You should, by the way, also calculate all the time spent washing and sterilizing bottles, mixing/measuring/heating formula  (which is so much fun at 2 a.m.) and the travel time to and from the store to buy it.  Boy, when you add all that up, sticking a kid on a boob seems like a much faster, ergo more cost-effective solution to feeding, wouldn’t you say Ms. Rosin?

That is the stupidest argument against breastfeeding I’ve heard yet.  Too bad I can’t leave a comment on the article.  I doubt it would do a bit of good though. She seems to have deluded herself beyond the point of facts and logic.

Denny's Ridiculous Fat-F*ck Manager and his Gross Violation of the Law

Do we all know now, about this incident?  A mother was asked to leave a Denny's because she was nursing. 

Can someone please explain to me why Denny's Corporate is not firing this jackass manager who thinks his company was within their rights to discriminate against this woman?  The N.C. law says:

N.C. Gen. Stat. § 14-190.9 (1993) states that a woman is allowed to breastfeed in any public or private location, and that she is not in violation of indecent exposure laws. (HB 1143)

This means it is AGAINST THE LAW to discriminate against her.  And who are these stupid effing asshole police that would misinterpret the law to mean ANYTHING other than what it states?

Oh my god, I would tear the heart out of any person who DARED discriminate against me on the basis of nursing in public.  Oh.. I just cannot wait for the day that some ignornat f*ck tries to say something about me nursing in public.  Actually, it wouldn't even need to be said to me... if it was said to another woman and I overheard it, oh holy jesus, that person would wish they'd never woken up that day.  Illinois has, not only a law that protects women from this discrimination, but ALSO an enforcement provision, which means I can sue the stupid shit out of you and your ignorant ass.  Thank you Gov. Blago, for at least that.

There's a Nurse-In scheduled at Denny's locations nationwide on Sunday, February 22nd (1pm).  Who's with me?

If you're unsure about where your state sits... look here.

*off to find a way to lower my blood pressure now...*

Consumer Reports says Natural Is Better

Finally, mainstream American seems to be getting hip to the natural childbirth movement.  Consumer Reports recently published a full article titled "Maternity Care: High Tech vs High Touch."

I am loving this article.  Consumer Reports is a respected, autonomous body, and if people actually read this, I could see it making a difference.

Back to basics for safer childbirth
Too many doctors and hospitals are overusing high-tech procedures

When it's time to bring a new baby into the world, there's a lot to be said for letting nature take the lead. The normal, hormone-driven changes in the body that naturally occur during delivery can optimize infant health and encourage the easy establishment and continuation of breastfeeding and mother-baby attachment. Childbirth without technical intervention can succeed in leading to a good outcome for mother and child, according to a new report. (Take our maternity-care quiz to test your knowledge.)

"Evidence-Based Maternity Care: What It Is and What It Can Achieve," co-authored by Carol Sakala and Maureen P. Corry of the nonprofit Childbirth Connection analyzed hundreds of the most recent studies and systematic reviews of maternity care. The 70-page report was issued collaboratively by Childbirth Connection, the Reforming States Group (a voluntary association of state-level health policymakers), and Milbank Memorial Fund, and released on Oct. 8, 2008.

Overuse of high-tech measures

The report found that, in the U.S., too many healthy women with low-risk pregnancies are being routinely subjected to high-tech or invasive interventions that should be reserved for higher-risk pregnancies. Such measures include:

• Inducing labor. The percentage of women whose labor was induced more than doubled between 1990 and 2005
• Use of epidural painkillers, which might cause adverse effects, including rapid fetal heart rate and poor performance on newborn assessment tests
• Delivery by Caesarean section, which is estimated to account for one-third of all U.S births in 2008, will far exceed the World Health Organization's recommended national rate of 5 to 10 percent
• Electronic fetal monitoring, unnecessarily adding to delivery costs
• Rupturing membranes ("breaking the waters"), intending to hasten onset of labor
• Episiotomy, which is often unnecessary

In fact, the current style of maternity care is so procedure-intensive that 6 of the 15 most common hospital procedures used in the entire U.S. are related to childbirth. Although most childbearing women in this country are healthy and at low risk for childbirth complications, national surveys reveal that essentially all women who give birth in U.S. hospitals have high rates of use of complex interventions, with risks of adverse effects.

The reasons for this overuse might have more to do with profit and liability issues than with optimal care, the report points out. Hospitals and care providers can increase their insurance reimbursements by administering costly high-tech interventions rather than just watching, waiting, and shepherding the natural process of childbirth.

Convenience for health care workers and patients might be another factor. Naturally occurring labor is not limited to typical working hours. Evidence also shows that a disproportionate amount of tech-driven interventions like Caesarean sections occur during weekday "business hours," rather than at night, on weekends, or on holidays.

Underuse of high-touch, noninvasive measures

Many practices that have been proven effective and do little to no harm are underused in today's maternity care for healthy low-risk women. They include:

• Prenatal vitamins
• Use of midwife or family physician
• Continuous presence of a companion for the mother during labor
• Upright and side-lying positions during labor and delivery, which are associated with less severe pain than lying down on one's back
• Vaginal birth (VBAC) for most women who have had a previous Caesarean section
• Early mother-baby skin-to-skin contact

The study suggests that those and other low-cost, beneficial practices are not routinely practiced for several reasons, including limited scope for economic gain, lack of national standards to measure providers' performance, and a medical tradition that doesn't prioritize the measurement of adverse effects, or take them into account.

Source: http://www.consumerreports.org/health/medical-conditions-treatments/pregnancy-childbirth/maternity-care/overview/maternity-care.htm

Fertility Treatments = High Risk Delivery?

Here's a question for you all.  Does conception by means of fertility treatments automatically label a pregnancy and delivery as "High Risk?"  I ask because I know someone desperately trying to concieve via IVF, and believes that her (hopeful) pregnancy will be high risk and that she will not qualify for a normal, vaginal delivery.

I have to say that I am no expert in the field of fertility treatments, or how they may translate into birth risk factors, but something doesn't sound right to me about that.  It seems to me that just because a woman needs some assistance with getting a pregnancy to occur, does not mean that pregnancy is doomed to be risky henceforce.  I suppose it may depend on the why the fertility treatments were necessitated to begin with.  This particular friend's treatments are for a failure to ovulate due to increase progesterone levels, and PCOS. 

Tell me, other natural birthy mamas, do fertility treatments rule out a homebirth?  Or even an unmedicated vaginal birth?  Are all IVF pregnancies "high risk?"

Official "Crunchy" Mama

My transition to crunchy mom is complete.  Never thought it would happen to me, but here I am a hardcore-breastfeeding, natural-birth-advocating, baby-food-making, sometimes-cosleeping, and baby-wearing mom.  And now, we are now officially cloth diapering our kiddos.

Remember that "button" I said I needed to find that would say "Click here to buy the perfect cloth diaper that will work for your family and fit your baby all for a price your husband can swallow without losing his damn mind."  Welp... I found it. 

I bought two of those packs, which will allow us to go at least 2 days between washings if we want.  Each pack was only $42.  Excellent.

I had planned on spending a little more than that, and since there was free shipping I threw some extras on to my order.  I was having fun.

Here's what I got

• Two 12-diaper Starter Packs (24 Chinese Prefolds, 4 Thirsties Covers, 2 Snappis)
• 1 extra Thirsties Cover (for good measure)
• 3-pack of BumGenius doublers for overnight
• 1 BumGenius Wetbag
• 1 set of Organic BabyLegs
• 2 Sets of regular BabyLegs

Total cost: $161 --- and it arrived at my house less than 48 hours after I placed the order.

We also bought a couple of packs of cloth training pants for Jonas.  He'll start on those tomorrow.

I'm so friggity friggin excited I can hardly contain myself.  Who knew cloth diapering could be so much fun!