...but I woke up with something missing this morning. Everything seemed normal, aside from this ridiculous cold I have in July. But there I was, drying off from the shower when suddenly I realized: I’d been burglarized.
My boobs are missing.
Just a day or so ago, they were there. The same C-cups I’ve had through the last 2 years of pregnancy and nursing. Not even 48 hours ago I stuffed them into a swimsuit I was trying on. I remember them being there.
But today? A cups. I’m truly not kidding. I’m not even exaggerating. These are the kind of A cups that make people wonder if you may have been a Man at one point in your life.
I feel like I should file a police report. So, I consult the husband:
Me: “Do you notice anything missing?”
Him: “Like what?”
Me: “My boobs are gone.”
Him: “Oh yeah, I know, I noticed that yesterday.”
Me: “WHAT!??! You noticed!?!”
Him: “Yeah, it was strange – it only took about 2 days, but they went away.”
Me: *Gulp*
So I’m not just imagining it.
Add this to the column of Totally UnGodly Yet Perfectly Natural Weird Ass Things That Happen to A Mother’s Body. Apparently my chest got the hint that I wasn’t nursing as much as I once had, and it decided to lay off at least 80% of the Milk Production workforce. This comes as quite a shock to the system. Just when I thought I had gotten used to my body doing all sorts of unexplained things, it transforms itself completely overnight. I give up.
The most frustrating part of course is that I need to go drop money on all new brassieres now. Though I suppose "they" are so little now, I might be able to get away with wearing only a couple of Band Aids and a tank top.
It’s a really good thing my husband is not a boob man. I had A cups when he met me, so he knew the Baby Boobies were probably only a temporary toy. My rear end is the reason he married me. But I swear if I woke up tomorrow missing my booty, he’d probably have divorce papers messengered over to me by the close of business that day. I suppose if there's a silver lining in this anywhere it's that, thankfully, I’m the only one of us who cares that my chest took off and left me.
Of course, now I’m wondering if all my recent weight loss only came from the upper half of my body. That sure would explain a few things...
Being a woman is just all kinds of bat-shit crazy.
LMAO!!! Sorry about your bubbies. We can do a service or something if you want...
Posted by: Jen | July 09, 2009 at 02:17 PM
Easy come, easy go? It's been five and a half years for me - I was three months pregnant when the first weaned, so who knows. I remember as only yesterday that my husband hopefully looked at my first trimester cleavage and asked, "do you think they'll stay that way?".
I do wonder what they'll look like on the way down from an E cup... hopefully, there will be something left!
Posted by: Michelle | July 09, 2009 at 02:22 PM
I think we should have a memorial service at The Staples Center, and
hire the cast of American Idol to perform Nick Lachey's "What's Left of
Me."
Posted by: TheFeministBreeder | July 09, 2009 at 02:27 PM
aaawww, yes - so glad to know that I am not the only one...
Before I breastfed I had A - then was happy to get up to C...then even though I was exclusively breastfeeding, all of sudden they changed and I was down to a B - and once I am done...well there is nothing there...really NOTHING except saggy...ugh let's not give too many visual pictures here...
My dh doesn't care but I do...I hate that I can see myself in national geographic if I just add a grass skirt - so NOT prada mom!!
Natural Mom says "NO" to the boob job but there is a good chance Prada Mom will win out...just not enough money for all the Band-Aides I would need ;)
Posted by: Natural Mom Loves Prada | July 09, 2009 at 08:22 PM
I am AFRAID of how my boobs will look when I am done nursing Hannah. I was a nice perky B cup before I ever got pregnant. Nursing makes me a nice plump and juicy C. When I am not nursing...they are saggy old woman pancake boobies. And now I have the crinkly stomach to match (PLEASE tell me that goes away..please, PLEASE!)
Oh, and my hubby is an ass man too. Thank god.
Posted by: michele | July 09, 2009 at 08:56 PM
Too funny. Love the comment about the service memorial at the Staples center. That was absolutely the icing on the cake.
I can't believe how many times I have had my boobs fitted for a new bra. And everytime I do they are the same size. Pre-pregnancy, pregnancy and post-partum. But I have never actually quit breastfeeding yet. Five years straight in a couple months. I wonder what will happen then?
Oh well. I needn't complain though. I was actually quite thankful my DD38's didn't get bigger. I have no desire to do a Dolly Parton impersonation.
Posted by: Melodie | July 09, 2009 at 11:02 PM
Oh, I hate it when the boobs go away. So sad. Although I'm always glad to fit into my old clothes again, so that's a plus. Do you have any old shirts you had to pack away? I have boxes and boxes of clothes for all stages of procreation now.
Posted by: Amber | July 09, 2009 at 11:31 PM
Wow. Bizarre. And that it happened so quickly, too.
I mourned the loss of my C cups after I stopped taking the pill. For years I thought I was a natural C cup, but it turned out they were larger because of the pill! Why did nobody tell me that your boobs get bigger when you're on the pill? I felt like I'd been living under a false assumption for years. I was horrified.
I can't really complain, since my natural boobs are still a B, but still. I wish I'd known all along that they weren't really mine. *sigh*
Posted by: ferrous | July 13, 2009 at 05:58 PM
Oh, this it too funny! I am expecting my boobs to do the same, had A's -- assume I will get them back. In the meantime, I am enjoying every milk-swollen cell of my boobs. Is that why I am still breastfeeding an almost three-year-old...? No :)
Posted by: Dagmar Bleasdale | July 23, 2009 at 11:55 PM