Hearing Your Voice on Tape

I think most of us can agree that we don’t like the sound of our own voice on tape.  There’s something inherently strange about hearing your voice the way others hear your voice, without it first reverberating off the muffling acoustics of your own brain matter.

I was a recording artist for a long, long time, so I had to get over that feeling.  I’ve been a singer my whole life, but the very first time I ever made a record I was in for a real shock.  Singing is one thing, but singing into a $3000 microphone and hearing every little pop of your tongue against the roof of your mouth is another thing entirely.  Still, to this day, I don’t believe my singing voice sounds anything like my speaking voice, but I’ve learned to manipulate my voice on tape to achieved the desired effect.  Now I know exactly how to sing into a microphone so it sounds right when it comes back to me.

Even when your speech is written down and read back to you, it’s hard to believe that’s how you really sounded.  I once read an interview my band did in the Illinois Entertainer, and all I could think was “I seriously could not have said “like” that many times…. Could I?”  Oh yes… I could.  But you just never know how you sound until someone relays it back to you.

And now, it’s starting all over again.  My 3 yr old has become the tape recorder, so I get to listen to myself talk, in a little boy’s voice, every single day.  And, of course, I do not like how it sounds.

I spend a lot of time correcting my son.  It seems that over the last year, his mission in life is to test the limits of everything, and everyone around him before finding out exactly how bad the outcome can be.  There’s a lot of “No! don’t touch the stove!” – “No! Don’t tackle your little brother!” – “No! Don’t rip your arm away and run into the street!” – “No! Stop touching whatever-it-is-I-told-you-sixty-four-times-already-not-to-touch!”  And the boy is headstrong.   So is his little brother.  Actually, a woman on the train the other day called them “rambunctious” when the two of them were bouncing off the walls like a couple of numbered balls in a Bingo machine.  The woman looked at me with empathetic eyes, and real, heart-felt kindness and said, “It’s hard when they’re like that, but you’re doing a great job.”  Thank you, Woman-On-The-Train.  They are rambunctious.  Managing their energy, will, and curiosity is not a walk in the park, but I’m doing the best I can.

But now the 3 yr old is parroting my every statement to him, and when I hear it back, I cringe first, and feel like a failure second. 

I must say “Jonas! I told you…!!!” about forty times a day.  Now, anytime the child wants to do something I’ve explicitly forbade, he says to me “But I TOLD YOU…!!!”

Oh… okay, as long as you told me, I must listen… to you.  Ha. 

I can see why this does not work at all.  So there begins the battle of wills, with my success circling the drain. I mean, really, how do you beat “I told you mama!” other than saying “Well, I’m the adult, so what I told you is all that matters?”  I think I’m smart enough to realize that “Because I said so” is not a very good argument when raising a strong willed and highly intelligent little human being.  I try to explain myself, but I feel like I’m just getting into an argument with a person who has zero sense of logic or reasoning, and there is no way to win that battle.  How do I make him understand that I have my reasons for not feeding him nothing but cookies?  Or not allowing him to play in the buttercream frosting while I’m trying to make a cake for a client?  Or not allowing him to watch 6 hours in a row of Spongebob Squarepants?  The consequences of those things are lost on him – so there I am, bossing him around, and then listening to him bossing me right back.

I try really hard to make sure that not all the time I spend with my sons is spent disciplining them or correcting them.  I want them to grow up secure, and curious, and independent.  I do everything I can to make sure they know they are loved.  But I also feel an incredible sense of responsibility to make sure they know how to act right.  I don’t want to have the kind of children that cannot control themselves – the kind of children that other people don’t want to be around.  I want them to listen to adults.  I want them to respect rules and boundaries.  And I want them to listen to reason.

But I suppose that’s too much to ask for as a parent.  So instead I’ll just get used to listening to my own words being shoved back in my face like some hellacious version of Parenting Deja-Vu.  And I’m assuming it only gets worse the smarter they get. 

Or maybe one day, just like with recording, I’ll figure out a way to say it so it sounds better coming back?  There were no books to teach me that skill.  I learned from experience, and a lot of hours of very expensive, wasted tape.  I guess nobody has this parenting thing completely figured out, and we’re all just learning on our kids’ dime.

Calgon, take me away.

Comments

[Carrie]

I can definitely relate. My just turned 3yo has been doing similar "playback" for a few months now. I have no answers for you unfortunately. I hope that once I'm back at work and away from her for part of the day I can chill a little about the constant discipline and just enjoy her 3yo antics.

[Missi Cundari]

Gina, you are doing an awesome job, seriously! When we came over to your house last week, Jonas displayed excellent social skills, manners, and great communication skills for someone his age. These are skills that are taught and mirrored, and YOU can take credit for that. I agree with trying not to be "all discipline" with the kids, I try to at least take some time out for fun with CC. It's hard, because I have to remind myself to have fun with her and not be the strict parent 100% of the time. Please remember that you are doing a great job, and the evidence is in how your kid behaves to others, not necessarily how they behave towards you :)

[TheFeministBreeder]

Aw Thanks Missy - that was just about the sweetest thing I could hear right now.

Yeah, I guess that last part is dead on too "evidence is in how your kid behaves to others, not necessarily how they behave towards you :)" That makes it all easier to bear!

[Amber]

The parroting back is a total trip. There were a lot of things I didn't realize I said until I heard my kid say them. And a lot of things that didn't sound so great coming out of her mouth.

I have learned how to say it so that it sounds better coming back. At least a little bit, anyway. And it does get easier too because kids do become a LITTLE more reasonable as they get older, so it's less of a battle. Having a 4 1/2 year old has been much easier for me than a 3-year-old.

The other thing I've realized is that I remember most of the good stuff from my childhood and not so much the bad stuff. So I cling to hope that my kids will be the same. That they will remember the day we went to the petting zoo over the day that I locked myself into the bathroom and hid. That thought sees me through the bad days.

[Emily Jones]

Having a teenager and two babies, I have the unique opportunity to see how all my parenting decisions with the first have turned out, while starting out parenting the other two. I have been shocked and humbled to see some things in my teen that I recognize (and do not like) in myself. My teenager, more than anyone else, has inspired me to be a better mom and a better person, just because I can see what the results of some of my decisions are.

I don't look at it as a parenting failure. Well, okay in a way I do, but mostly I try to see it as opportunity to change and improve myself. How often do we have a chance to see ourselves from someone else's perspective? I find that very valuable. So just take what you hear, keep and perfect the parts you like, and put away the parts you don't.

[Johanna Silva]

My daughter will be 2 in September, so I'm sure I'll see some of what you are talking about soon enough! Check out "Love and Logic" (loveandlogic.com). They have several books, both hard cover and cd's. We have the book for ages 0-6. It is working well for us thus far. I imagine that it works even better once kids are old enough to understand everything you are saying. One thing I really like about the book is that you do lots of positive reinforcement, rather than constantly pointing out the negatives. I hope it is of help to you!

[ferrous]

I've had similar experiences as Amber, particularly when getting angry at other drivers on the road. I thought 'knobby' (might be an Australian word. Knob => dick => dickhead) was a decent way to clean it up from the original or from 'arsehole', but coming out of his mouth again, it didn't sound so benign. (Incidentally, in the end I settled with 'turkey' or 'zoob'. Heh.)

One thing I've found makes a big difference in not sounding so horrible when you hear yourself back (and therefore coming across as nicer to the kid, as well) is to try saying things from the positive point of view, instead of the negative. Tell them what you want them to do instead of what you don't want them to do. So, instead of 'Don't drop the pencils on the floor', I'll say, 'Please leave the pencils on the table'. It works amazingly well most of the time.

It's actually a really difficult habit to get into. It's taken more about 5 years to start doing it as a habit and I still have to work on it some days.

The first time I tried it, I was amazed. The first time was with the pencil example, in fact. I'd tried telling him 'don't' about five times already in the space of as many minutes and he kept doing it and I was getting really frustrated. I then tried 'Please leave the pencils on the table!' and immediately he said, 'Oh, okay,' and he picked them up and put them back on the table. I'm sure my jaw dropped in amazement. LOL! :-D

It works really well most of the time. :-)