Blogging for the Sake of Blogging

I try not to blog unless I really have something to talk about.  For a very long time, all it took was an article on cesareans or breastfeeding to get me in the mood to write.  These days, while those things are still hugely important to me, I seriously have bigger fish to fry, and I’m kind of tired of complaining about my current life situation here (there, and everywhere.)  So, I haven’t been writing much of anything.  I was hoping something awesomely fun would come along and I’d have something really positive to share, but I’m kinda coming up empty handed at the moment.

I also think that Twitter has impaired my ability to write more than 140 characters at a time.  Or maybe I figure that anything that needs to be said has already been said on Twitter, so why rehash it in a blog?

Either way, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I have to talk about my life for a little while.  I pay $9 a month for this blog to be my arena for catharsis, so I oughtta use it.

I’ve been feeling especially stressed out lately.  Actually, I’m feeling kind of strung out.  I vibrate with anxiety all day long.  I don’t sleep.  Concentration is almost impossible.  The slightest lip out of another adult makes me want to punch them in the esophagus.   Of course, as usual, the only thing in the world that makes me really happy are my children.  No matter how shitty I feel, just one glimpse of them lights up my heart.  I’d rather hear them screaming at each other than sit in my quiet office under the weight of unfinished projects.  And when I’m working at home on my cakes, I’m so much happier than I am sitting in an office, because at least at home, I can peak in on my little ones anytime I want to.

During the day, I self-medicate with espresso.  Somehow a $4 coffee I can’t afford takes the edge off ever so slightly.  It seems strange that a stimulant would do that, but I suppose it has the same effect smoking does – makes you feel a little better momentarily while simultaneously raising your blood pressure.  I guess that’s why I used to love smoking so much.  It was my “chill-out” tool.  I detest smoking now, so these days I just drink twice the coffee.

We’re going to the Riviera Maya in 3.5 weeks, and I have never needed a vacation so badly in my life.  I fantasize every day about the 7 days in paradise that will (hopefully) help me forget about my life-at-a-crossroads situation temporarily.  John and I have both been working two jobs to help pay for this trip, and it's well deserved. 

I know that life won’t always be like this, but sometimes when you’re in the thick of things, it all seems so heavy and hopeless.  There are just too many more years of school/work left before I get where I want to be, and I’ve never, ever been the kind of person that can just be content with where I’m at.  That’s not how I’m wired.  If I was content, then I’d never bother to do the extremely hard work it takes to change my destiny from the Poor-White-Trailer-trash I grew up, to the Make-a-Difference-in-the-World attorney I long to become.  I can’t be content when there’s more work to be done.  I was born into poverty, but I will not die in it.  I will not.  So I press on, reaching for the brass ring, and never settling for less than what I know I can become.  My kids deserve better than what I had, and I have to give it to them.

Of course there’s a part of me that thinks a little Zoloft couldn’t hurt the situation.  But then there’s this largely Type-A part of me that thinks medication is the easy way out, and I shouldn’t have to be medicated to put up with my life.*  I also have my own personal issues with any sort of support of the big pharm companies (and the medical profession in general) so I just can’t go there.  Add that to the problems that Julesy had with his weight gain when I was taking the Zoloft, and it puts me off the whole idea of ingesting chemicals, especially while breastfeeding.  There just has to be a better way.  I don’t know what that way is yet, but it has to be there somewhere.  People didn’t always have Zoloft to save them from life’s little hurdles.

So, I’m chugging along.  But I’m not doing my best.  I’m too distracted, to anxious, and too irritable to be operating at 100% capacity.

But I really, really promise, when I come back from Mexico, I will have at least one really happy post.  A little bit of sand in my toes and I’ll be good-as-new, at least for a couple of days.  Mama needs a "Reset" button in the form of a Mexican cocktail.

_________________________________________

*Seriously, I’m talking about myself, and so before you write some long comment on how offended you are that I don’t dig prescription meds, just don’t.  Save yourself the trouble because I am not in the mood for anybody’s shit this week and I will delete that comment before you have a chance to refresh your screen.  I am not talking about your choice to be medicated, I’m talking about mine, so don’t internalize this.

Comments

[Amanda]

Amen on vacations. I'm taking a week off in August, and it's the first week I've taken off in years. I will be extremely annoyed if some idiot who doesn't know how to drive kills me on the way home (giant red truck, yes I am talking to YOU) causing me to miss my vacation.

Sorry, had a bit of a moment there on your blog. But yes, vacation is good. Enjoy.

[Traci]

Hey, Gina, I hate meds too, but am on them currently because I was so depressed that I couldn't be the kind of mommmy I wanted to be. If you get to the point where you're considering them, I know from personal experience that the lowest dose of Zoloft, coupled with the lowest dose of Buspar have a synergistic effect together that kicks some serious ass in the generalized anxiety / depression department. It made me feel better to know that even if I did really need meds, I only needed a teensy amount. YMMV.

Enjoy your vacation!!!

Traci

[Jennifer]

hey, not to be a blogwhore or anything, but I did a post about some of the alternative stuff I tried (while keeping the sample pack of Zoloft in the medicine cabinet, just in case) during my PPD bouts...if you're interested, check out http://greenmama.dreamwidth.org/8797.html

I never went on the meds either, not because of an "easy way" mentality as much as a terror of what a commitment one makes as soon as one starts. You know, weeks to months before you even know if it's working, at least six months on before you think of stopping, careful careful weaning to avoid withdrawal (which in the case of scaries like Effexor doesn't really help because the withdrawal is so awful under any circumstances...), that kind of thing, I just didn't think I could handle all that and didn't want to be binding myself to the things for the next year or more. And I didn't believe the "oh yeah you can breastfeed, no problems have been documented" stuff I was being fed. And while going into it I was really skeptical that stuff like aromatherapy and herbs and flower essences could possibly do a damn thing, one way or the other I came through it.

So, for what it's worth, that's my site and if it helps you then wonderful. Hang in there.

Vacations are good too, though. :-)
--J

[Naomi Dwyer]

Have fun in Mexico, my sister just came back from a week at the beach on Baja. Why did it take me so long to find that J?

[TheFeministBreeder]

I don't mind blogwhoring at all if it will help me out! I'm getting the kids to bed now, but I'll read later.

Thanks!

[Joy]

I know too well the feeling of too much stress, too little time, and not wanting to commit to medication to get through it... But your determination shines (glares?! :) through to make it to your better place. Have fun on your vacation! You deserve it!!

[freeflyingmom]

"Slow down...you move too fast!" While on vacation try reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.
Happy Vacation!