The Feminist Breeder

What Am I Going to Do with These Boys?

There are days where my only function as a mother is to keep these boys alive.  Forget teaching them cool new tricks like reading or potty training, or making sure they grow up to be good people.  Some days all it takes to be a good mom is making sure they’re still breathing by bedtime.

Today was one of those days. I swear they were both on a suicide mission.  The day started out fairly uneventful.  We were actually having a nice little Saturday.  We did some landscaping, and swam in the new pool.  Everyone had naps on time and everyone was in a good mood.  But at 5 pm, trouble started.  We decided to run out to pick up some things for grilling, and that trip turned into a trip to the E.R. instead.
 
We have a leather rocker recliner that the boys insist on jumping on.  This particular piece of furniture is calamity-in-waiting for two reasons:  the leather makes it slippery, and the rocking part acts as a virtual catapult.

John realized today that Julesy could climb up on this recliner all by himself now, so he put another chair on top to keep him off.  That worked all day, right up until we were about to walk out of the house.  As we were rushing around trying to get everyones' shoes on, Julesy moved the chair, and climbed up to the recliner.  Right as we spotted him and started to run over, he threw himself head-first over the back of it and landed smack on the back of his head, directly onto the metal grate below no less.  I’ve never heard him scream that loud.  Seeing it happen will probably give me nightmares for months.

I decided that type of fall warranted a trip to the ER, which resulted in an hour-and-a-half long visit that ended abruptly with the doctor taking about a 10-second look at him and saying he was fine.  Awesome.  That’s probably $2,000 down the drain – but I don’t care, at least we played it safe.  After the Natasha Richardson incident, I'll never look at head trauma the same way again.  The doc did say at least explain what types of head injuries would warrant some concern (e.g. collisions with speed beind them, or with force, or from heights above 6" feet.)

So we come home and start making dinner outside on the grill.  The boys are playing with their toys while I’m walking around picking up the mess from the day.  One minute the boys are standing by the gate – the gate, which up until this moment in time they have never been able to open – and the next second I see the gate open and no boys.

*HEART ATTACK*

So I run the gate and turn the corner, and the two boys are just standing there in the alley like “What’s up mom?”

Yeah – what’s up – other than the fact that they could have been run over by a car flying through that alley.  Or they could have been kidnapped, or gawd knows what.  (I realize that our quiet neighborhood is not crawling with kidnappers, but my ten years spent living downtown Chicago have made me as cautious and paranoid as a human can be.)  Now, they couldn’t have been out there for any more than five or six seconds, but it was enough to give me a stroke, I swear.  I do not like my children being out of my sight.  I suppose both of these incidents might have been avoided with me keeping a constant eye on my children, but sometimes that is just not possible. That's what baby-proofing is for, and we do our best.

So now they are both clean, and safe, and snoozing away in their beds.  In a couple hours, I’ll go wake up Julesy to make sure we’re in the clear from the fall today (as recommended by the hospital discharge papers.)

I may not have potty trained anyone, or taught anyone to read.  But today it was all I could do to just keep them ticking, and I guess sometimes that really is the point of it all.

These kids will probably kill me before they hurt themselves.  I don't remember signing up for this part of motherhood.  Perhaps it's in the fine print. *sigh*

Okay, nobody panic…

...but I woke up with something missing this morning.  Everything seemed normal, aside from this ridiculous cold I have in July.  But there I was, drying off from the shower when suddenly I realized: I’d been burglarized.

My boobs are missing.

Just a day or so ago, they were there.  The same C-cups I’ve had through the last 2 years of pregnancy and nursing.  Not even 48 hours ago I stuffed them into a swimsuit I was trying on.  I remember them being there.

But today?  A cups.  I’m truly not kidding.  I’m not even exaggerating.  These are the kind of A cups that make people wonder if you may have been a Man at one point in your life.

I feel like I should file a police report.  So, I consult the husband:

Me: “Do you notice anything missing?”
Him: “Like what?”
Me: “My boobs are gone.”
Him: “Oh yeah, I know, I noticed that yesterday.”
Me: “WHAT!??!  You noticed!?!”
Him: “Yeah, it was strange – it only took about 2 days, but they went away.”
Me: *Gulp*

So I’m not just imagining it.

Add this to the column of Totally UnGodly Yet Perfectly Natural Weird Ass Things That Happen to A Mother’s Body.  Apparently my chest got the hint that I wasn’t nursing as much as I once had, and it decided to lay off at least 80% of the Milk Production workforce.  This comes as quite a shock to the system.  Just when I thought I had gotten used to my body doing all sorts of unexplained things, it transforms itself completely overnight.  I give up.

The most frustrating part of course is that I need to go drop money on all new brassieres now.  Though I suppose "they" are so little now, I might be able to get away with wearing only a couple of Band Aids and a tank top.

It’s a really good thing my husband is not a boob man.  I had A cups when he met me, so he knew the Baby Boobies were probably only a temporary toy.  My rear end is the reason he married me.  But I swear if I woke up tomorrow missing my booty, he’d probably have divorce papers messengered over to me by the close of business that day.  I suppose if there's a silver lining in this anywhere it's that, thankfully, I’m the only one of us who cares that my chest took off and left me.

Of course, now I’m wondering if all my recent weight loss only came from the upper half of my body.  That sure would explain a few things...

Being a woman is just all kinds of bat-shit crazy.

Wordless Wednesday

Hearing Your Voice on Tape

I think most of us can agree that we don’t like the sound of our own voice on tape.  There’s something inherently strange about hearing your voice the way others hear your voice, without it first reverberating off the muffling acoustics of your own brain matter.

I was a recording artist for a long, long time, so I had to get over that feeling.  I’ve been a singer my whole life, but the very first time I ever made a record I was in for a real shock.  Singing is one thing, but singing into a $3000 microphone and hearing every little pop of your tongue against the roof of your mouth is another thing entirely.  Still, to this day, I don’t believe my singing voice sounds anything like my speaking voice, but I’ve learned to manipulate my voice on tape to achieved the desired effect.  Now I know exactly how to sing into a microphone so it sounds right when it comes back to me.

Even when your speech is written down and read back to you, it’s hard to believe that’s how you really sounded.  I once read an interview my band did in the Illinois Entertainer, and all I could think was “I seriously could not have said “like” that many times…. Could I?”  Oh yes… I could.  But you just never know how you sound until someone relays it back to you.

And now, it’s starting all over again.  My 3 yr old has become the tape recorder, so I get to listen to myself talk, in a little boy’s voice, every single day.  And, of course, I do not like how it sounds.

I spend a lot of time correcting my son.  It seems that over the last year, his mission in life is to test the limits of everything, and everyone around him before finding out exactly how bad the outcome can be.  There’s a lot of “No! don’t touch the stove!” – “No! Don’t tackle your little brother!” – “No! Don’t rip your arm away and run into the street!” – “No! Stop touching whatever-it-is-I-told-you-sixty-four-times-already-not-to-touch!”  And the boy is headstrong.   So is his little brother.  Actually, a woman on the train the other day called them “rambunctious” when the two of them were bouncing off the walls like a couple of numbered balls in a Bingo machine.  The woman looked at me with empathetic eyes, and real, heart-felt kindness and said, “It’s hard when they’re like that, but you’re doing a great job.”  Thank you, Woman-On-The-Train.  They are rambunctious.  Managing their energy, will, and curiosity is not a walk in the park, but I’m doing the best I can.

But now the 3 yr old is parroting my every statement to him, and when I hear it back, I cringe first, and feel like a failure second. 

I must say “Jonas! I told you…!!!” about forty times a day.  Now, anytime the child wants to do something I’ve explicitly forbade, he says to me “But I TOLD YOU…!!!”

Oh… okay, as long as you told me, I must listen… to you.  Ha. 

I can see why this does not work at all.  So there begins the battle of wills, with my success circling the drain. I mean, really, how do you beat “I told you mama!” other than saying “Well, I’m the adult, so what I told you is all that matters?”  I think I’m smart enough to realize that “Because I said so” is not a very good argument when raising a strong willed and highly intelligent little human being.  I try to explain myself, but I feel like I’m just getting into an argument with a person who has zero sense of logic or reasoning, and there is no way to win that battle.  How do I make him understand that I have my reasons for not feeding him nothing but cookies?  Or not allowing him to play in the buttercream frosting while I’m trying to make a cake for a client?  Or not allowing him to watch 6 hours in a row of Spongebob Squarepants?  The consequences of those things are lost on him – so there I am, bossing him around, and then listening to him bossing me right back.

I try really hard to make sure that not all the time I spend with my sons is spent disciplining them or correcting them.  I want them to grow up secure, and curious, and independent.  I do everything I can to make sure they know they are loved.  But I also feel an incredible sense of responsibility to make sure they know how to act right.  I don’t want to have the kind of children that cannot control themselves – the kind of children that other people don’t want to be around.  I want them to listen to adults.  I want them to respect rules and boundaries.  And I want them to listen to reason.

But I suppose that’s too much to ask for as a parent.  So instead I’ll just get used to listening to my own words being shoved back in my face like some hellacious version of Parenting Deja-Vu.  And I’m assuming it only gets worse the smarter they get. 

Or maybe one day, just like with recording, I’ll figure out a way to say it so it sounds better coming back?  There were no books to teach me that skill.  I learned from experience, and a lot of hours of very expensive, wasted tape.  I guess nobody has this parenting thing completely figured out, and we’re all just learning on our kids’ dime.

Calgon, take me away.

Free Pumping Bra Giveaway (and coupon code)

This week at TheFeministShopper.com!  I'm giving away a free PumpEase™ Pumping Bra, and there's also a 10% off coupon code for those who don't win the contest.

I've been getting GREAT products for giveaways, and putting my favorite products in the hands of other mamas feels awesome! So if you're interested in getting a review and giving away a product to a TFS reader then contact me and we'll see what we can work out.

The contest ends this Wednesday so hurry over there today!

Blogging for the Sake of Blogging

I try not to blog unless I really have something to talk about.  For a very long time, all it took was an article on cesareans or breastfeeding to get me in the mood to write.  These days, while those things are still hugely important to me, I seriously have bigger fish to fry, and I’m kind of tired of complaining about my current life situation here (there, and everywhere.)  So, I haven’t been writing much of anything.  I was hoping something awesomely fun would come along and I’d have something really positive to share, but I’m kinda coming up empty handed at the moment.

I also think that Twitter has impaired my ability to write more than 140 characters at a time.  Or maybe I figure that anything that needs to be said has already been said on Twitter, so why rehash it in a blog?

Either way, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I have to talk about my life for a little while.  I pay $9 a month for this blog to be my arena for catharsis, so I oughtta use it.

I’ve been feeling especially stressed out lately.  Actually, I’m feeling kind of strung out.  I vibrate with anxiety all day long.  I don’t sleep.  Concentration is almost impossible.  The slightest lip out of another adult makes me want to punch them in the esophagus.   Of course, as usual, the only thing in the world that makes me really happy are my children.  No matter how shitty I feel, just one glimpse of them lights up my heart.  I’d rather hear them screaming at each other than sit in my quiet office under the weight of unfinished projects.  And when I’m working at home on my cakes, I’m so much happier than I am sitting in an office, because at least at home, I can peak in on my little ones anytime I want to.

During the day, I self-medicate with espresso.  Somehow a $4 coffee I can’t afford takes the edge off ever so slightly.  It seems strange that a stimulant would do that, but I suppose it has the same effect smoking does – makes you feel a little better momentarily while simultaneously raising your blood pressure.  I guess that’s why I used to love smoking so much.  It was my “chill-out” tool.  I detest smoking now, so these days I just drink twice the coffee.

We’re going to the Riviera Maya in 3.5 weeks, and I have never needed a vacation so badly in my life.  I fantasize every day about the 7 days in paradise that will (hopefully) help me forget about my life-at-a-crossroads situation temporarily.  John and I have both been working two jobs to help pay for this trip, and it's well deserved. 

I know that life won’t always be like this, but sometimes when you’re in the thick of things, it all seems so heavy and hopeless.  There are just too many more years of school/work left before I get where I want to be, and I’ve never, ever been the kind of person that can just be content with where I’m at.  That’s not how I’m wired.  If I was content, then I’d never bother to do the extremely hard work it takes to change my destiny from the Poor-White-Trailer-trash I grew up, to the Make-a-Difference-in-the-World attorney I long to become.  I can’t be content when there’s more work to be done.  I was born into poverty, but I will not die in it.  I will not.  So I press on, reaching for the brass ring, and never settling for less than what I know I can become.  My kids deserve better than what I had, and I have to give it to them.

Of course there’s a part of me that thinks a little Zoloft couldn’t hurt the situation.  But then there’s this largely Type-A part of me that thinks medication is the easy way out, and I shouldn’t have to be medicated to put up with my life.*  I also have my own personal issues with any sort of support of the big pharm companies (and the medical profession in general) so I just can’t go there.  Add that to the problems that Julesy had with his weight gain when I was taking the Zoloft, and it puts me off the whole idea of ingesting chemicals, especially while breastfeeding.  There just has to be a better way.  I don’t know what that way is yet, but it has to be there somewhere.  People didn’t always have Zoloft to save them from life’s little hurdles.

So, I’m chugging along.  But I’m not doing my best.  I’m too distracted, to anxious, and too irritable to be operating at 100% capacity.

But I really, really promise, when I come back from Mexico, I will have at least one really happy post.  A little bit of sand in my toes and I’ll be good-as-new, at least for a couple of days.  Mama needs a "Reset" button in the form of a Mexican cocktail.

_________________________________________

*Seriously, I’m talking about myself, and so before you write some long comment on how offended you are that I don’t dig prescription meds, just don’t.  Save yourself the trouble because I am not in the mood for anybody’s shit this week and I will delete that comment before you have a chance to refresh your screen.  I am not talking about your choice to be medicated, I’m talking about mine, so don’t internalize this.

A Message to my Boys about Michael Jackson

Jonas and Jules,

Tonight we sat around the dinner table listening to a Michael Jackson Greatest Hits album on the iPod.  We listen to music every night while we eat dinner. It's what we do.

Every night, Jules dances jovially in his little chair while shoving food into his mouth.  And every night, Jonas you say "Who's this?" each time a new song comes on the radio, as if you're attempting to catalogue them in your head, and suprisingly, your beautiful little brain is doing a great job.  Daddy and I always tell you what band is currently playing, even if it seems like you're too young to remember such things, because you always surprise us.  You know The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Green Day, and for some reason the Talking Heads. 

Tonight you asked "Who's this?" and the answer was "Michael Jackson."  We were listening, in mourning, because Michael died suddenly yesterday. 

The first record that either me or your daddy ever owned was Michael Jackson's "Thriller."  I hope that by the time you are old enough to read this, you already know all the lyrics to most of these songs.  This man's artistry was important for many genres of music. He transcended culture, race, and gender and changed the world as we know it.

I always wondered how my family felt or reacted to the news of John F. Kennedy's death, or Elvis's death, or John Lennon's death.  I don't know how they felt, but I want you to know that when Michael Jackson died, our hearts hang heavy.  We are saddened by our music community's loss. 

So we celebrated his music, with you, at the dinner table.  And in that moment, I could see by the sheer enjoyment on your faces that Michael's music will live for generations after we are all gone.  Candidly speaking, children... this moment sucks.  I suspect we'll be playing MJ on the iPod for a good solid week around these parts.

Things You Should Read Thursday: Vol. 9

This week – lots of news in the world of natural birthing and breastfeeding!

C-sections shouldn't be 'automatic' for breech births, Canadian doctors say
So, the Society of Obstetricians and Gynecologists in Canada has decided that vaginal birth is a perfectly reasonable option for delivering most breech babies, and they’ve even go so far as to begin a program to train doctors in the lost art of breech delivery.  I have to say, I’m dumbfounded.  This is one of the most responsible and intelligent things I’ve heard a medical profession do.  You mean, they weighed the evidence, and changed their mind?  What a concept!  Hey ACOG, take notes from our friends to the north.

Speaking of those smart(er) Canadian doctors…

C-sections, forceps use rising too sharply in Canada, medical groups say
Here several Canadian medical groups complain of the overuse of cesarean, forcep and vacuum assisted delivery, and delivery before 41 weeks.   “Doctors should only resort to these interventions when there is a valid, evidence-based reason” the article says.  Oh, Canada!

But, I do have to throw the ACOG a bone this week – or rather, I suppose it’s them throwing us a bone…

ACOG Refines Fetal Heart Rate Monitoring Guidelines
Finally, the ACOG realizes that fetal heart rate monitoring has done absolutely nothing to reduce perinatal mortality or the risk of cerebral palsy.  In fact, they say that the cerebral palsy rate has remained exactly the same for the last 60 years despite all the interventions and technology thrown at it.  I’ll be sending this to my doctor who (as you may have read in my VBAC birth story) insisted that the heart rate monitor was telling him my child would be born with cerebral palsy if I did not let him perform a cesarean on me.  Idjit.

In other news...

Breastfeeding Improves IQ
Well, it has been argued time and again.  People have said there’s no validity in the notion that breastfeeding makes you smarter, but now there’s been a new study published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition that compared the IQs of siblings in the same family, one who was breastfed, and the other who was formula fed.  Guess who came out on top?  Well... I don’t want to give it away, so make with the clicky-click on the link above.

And finally...

And in reference to my Things You Should Read Thursday: Vol. 7 - I'd like to say THIS is the right way for establishments to use the International Breastfeeding Symbol.  Take note.  And thank you Elita @Blacktating for bringing that pic to my attention.  I'd also like to note that the pictures I complained about on the Mothering site have now been removed - I only noticed because I clicked on the link in my post, and it's dead now.  Coincidence?  Or they did hear me (us)?  I find it very interesting, but however it happened, I'm quite pleased.  They now have a page listing the "suggested use" of the symbol, and make particular reference to the symbol not being used to "segregate" breastfeeding mothers (wasn't that the word so many of us used when griping about this?)  Even if it had nothing to do with our complaints, lets all pat ourselves on the back for making a difference anyway.

That's all for now. Toodles!

This Week's Giveaway at "The Feminist Shopper"

This week, enter to win a brand new Thirsties DUO Wrap diaper cover and Fab Doubler Insert at The Feminist Shopper, courtesy of Mom's Milk Boutique.  I just love giving stuff away to excited readers. It puts me in my happy place.

Go forth and enter.

Planning the Great Escape

I have a lot of decisions to make in the next 5 weeks.  I’ve been needing to make them for a year, and now the deadline is quickly approaching.  I haven’t been procrastinating.  I’ve just been carefully plotting and planning the changes that need to be made so other changes can be made.  It’s a fragile house of cards over here.  Or it’s maybe more like Jenga.  One peg needs to be moved in order to make another area more stable, but if I move the wrong peg, the whole damn thing could come tumbling down.

For both my own catharsis, and for the benefit of those who don't totally understand our situation, here’s where we’re at:

I work full time + I go to school full time + I run an increasingly-busy side business.  I also have two kids, and my lower-cost childcare is about to run out soon.  For the past 9 months, my MIL has been watching the kids for a lesser amount than daycare would charge, but it was a temporary favor to help us out, and we need to find a more permanent childcare solution – fast.  Our deadline is August 1st. 

The problem is my full-time day job.  This job means that soon I’ll be footing $2000 per month in daycare costs. This job is also preventing me from finishing school at a faster pace, and is preventing me from investing more time into my cake business.  Nevermind the 10 hours a day it keeps me away from my children, and the stress it causes because they Re-Org the company once a month and I never know what my job will be when I come in on Monday morning.  I promise, that is not an exaggeration.

I don’t want to pay most of my paycheck to a daycare.  I also don’t want to work full-time AND go to school full-time anymore, and school is NOT going to be the thing I sacrifice.  I MUST finish school.  They won’t let you be an attorney unless you finish school, so my career and income (and livelihood) are completely stunted  until I get these degrees finished.  I also get paid to go to school through a bevy of hard-earned scholarships, and my family needs that money.

Ever since I was on maternity leave last summer, my plan was to ramp up my cake business so I could use that to support the family while I was finishing school and taking care of my kids.  I’ve done a good job of building up the biz in my little “spare” time – the time I’m not at work, at class, or wiping the butts of my babies – often staying up until 2 a.m. to finish cake orders.  Every night that I’m sleepily piping little details onto a cake through blurry contact lenses, I think “I’m one cake closer to quitting the job I have to wake up for in a few hours.”

The caveat in this is that running any sort of (legal) food-service business requires a commercial kitchen that can pass health inspection.  Now, my business is doing well enough to create a nice little extra cushion for us, but it is NOT doing well enough to pay for the $30,000-$50,000 it would cost to open a bakery.  The catch 22 here is that if I ramp up business, I can afford to be legal.  But in order to ramp up business, I need to spend a bunch of money we don’t have to get the business up to code.  We don’t have any sort of savings to float on, and no collateral for a business loan. The idea of taking out a business loan in this economy scares the living crap out of me anyway because we could end up losing everything.  I’m trying to get us in a BETTER position – not WORSE.

So, we have a new plan that we’re implementing immediately, and just the notion of having a PLAN is putting me in better spirits: 

Step 1: Find a commercial rental kitchen in the area that will rent by the hour (apparently this is a big thing, part-time caterers use them all the time) – rent one or two days a week so I can get my business license and pass health inspection
Step 2: Start doing the real advertising that I haven’t been able to do thus far because I wasn’t legal and didn’t want to get fined by the county
Step 3: Make enough money to pay for overhead and replace the income I’ll lose by quitting the day job
Step 4: Quit day job, thereby allowing me to raise my kids, take more classes, and keep making wedding cakes on my own schedule.

Now – of course not all this will be accomplished in the next 5 weeks, but I hope to have the process fully underway so we can ask the MIL to give us “X” amount more time before she stops watching the kids.  I would really like to be off the corporate teet by the time I have to register for classes so I know whether or not I can increase my course-load.  If we can find a way to make this work, then I’ll be done with school at least 1.5 years faster.  The obvious bi-product is that I will be happier and mentally healthier than I have been over the last stressful year.  The financial benefit is that I'll be making an attorney's salary a whole lot faster.

If we cannot make this work, I will stay at this job indefinitely, keep taking classes, keep paying mostly my entire paycheck for someone else to be with my kids, and slowly watch my health go down the toilet.  Life will be exactly as busy and insane as it has been lately, only for the next 6 or so years it will take me until I have my law degree. 

This will put me at 37.  That is the exact age my aunt was when she graduated from pharmacy school after working full-time and taking care of her children all at the same time.  The summer she graduated, just a week before she started her awesome new dream job, she dropped dead from an aneurysm.  Her body had had enough.  She got out of the shower one morning, wrapped a towel around her head, and passed away before she could get dressed.

I don’t want to be 37 when I’m done with all this.  I don’t want to be my aunt.  So I am planning my escape. 

I just hope I don’t move the wrong peg.

I Never Wanted to be a Working Mother

I absolutely hate being a Work Outside The Home Mom (WOHM) at this point in my life.  I hate it.  If you’ve ever been to my blog, or ever seen a single tweet of mine, this will not come as a huge shock to you.  So I’m going to spend this post bitching about something that has crawled under my skin, laid eggs, and hatched a giant, frothing, green-eyed monster that is unapologetically jealous and pissed off.

I will not make any apologies for however irrational my feelings are about this.  This is my view of my world as I know it, and my feelings are about ME, not about YOU.  This has all been building up since the day I realized I wouldn't be able to stay home with my first son - like we planned.  Plans?  Oh yeah, we had plans.  Smart, well-thought-out plans.  Then the economy happened.  I’d also add that the stress I’ve been feeling lately, combined with the partial cessation of breastfeeding and whatever hormonal changes may accompany that,  seems to have aggravated the post-partum depression that lurks beneath my surface, which makes TFB crankier than normal.

So here are two things I’m absolutely sick of right now:

1. SAHMs acting like they have it as hard as WOHMs.
2. SAHMS telling me it’s my “Choice” to be a WOHM.

Now, I have zero judgment about whether someone is a SAHM, WAHM, or WOHM.  Let’s get that part out of the way right off the bat.  I could not care less what somebody else does. There’s no “war” to me.  Whatever works for your family is Coolio with me.  I will never attempt to say that any one way is the “best” way to go about it – I don’t think there is a universal “best” way. 

But when either of the two aforementioned things come up, I am flat out insulted.  And that insult adds to the injury I already feel being in a situation that depresses the living shit out of me every day.  It’s a slap in the face – so I’m gonna talk about it.

First of all, being a SAHM is NOT as hard as being a WOHM, and I’m going to give you a list of reasons why. Perhaps this will make those who’d complain about it recognize what a sweet position they’re actually in.

#1 – Being SAHM is absolutely a full-time job, but going to work doesn’t mean you have a DIFFERENT full-time job – it means you now have TWO full time jobs - or more if you're like me.  That means you have to go put up with other people’s shit for 10 hours a day, then come home and do all the things you couldn’t do because you weren’t home all day (like cleaning, spending time with kids, meal planning, etc. etc.)  Those chores don’t just disappear because you’re not there!

#2 – Nobody will fire you for having a bad day as a mom.  I mean, unless you have a “somebody-call-Child-Protective-Services” kind of day, nobody is going to take that gig away from you (cause frankly, there is no 22 year old recent college graduate eyeing your job as a mother.)  I’ve seen some pretty crappy-ass moms who still don’t get fired for the lousy job they’re doing.  You don't live in fear of the moment you'll get called into the boss's office because your performance standards have slipped after being up all night dealing with two sick children at home.

#3 – Okay, being a SAHM is a job, but you don’t have to shower for it!  Yes you wake up early, but so do I.  And you don’t have to wake up at 6 am, rush around making sure the kids are taken care of/shipped off to daycare/whatever WHILE trying to shower, look presentable, and get into the appropriate business attire. You can stay in your fraking track pants all day long if you want to.  If I show up looking like a Mom, HR will have a “talk” with me.

#4 – You don’t have to pump breastmilk at work, or worry that you’ll lose your job if you do.  Enuf said.

#5 – Not everyone who works for a living has a corner office and an assistant who will bring them lattes all day.  If you think all Working Moms look like the women on the cover of Working Mother Magazine, go visit a production plant and talk to the barely-minimum-wage factory workers who stand on their feet all day and have to ask to take a bathroom break. Quit romanticizing the Working Mother role.  About zero percent of us have that corner office.  I bet your home working environment is a billion times better.

Now before you get all "but-some-women-have-no-choice-but-to-stay-home" let me say I'm not even going there in this post because I KNOW some women have no choice in that respect.  But that's not what this is about, so let's focus here people.

Secondly, I am so sick and tired of people telling me that it’s my “choice” to be a working mother.  It shouldn’t even make me mad.  I should find it hilarious.  I should think it’s funny that they live such stable, middle-class lifestyles that they cannot even fathom how it could be necessary to have two incomes to survive.  And I am outright insulted, deep in my core, when any person suggests that I’m leaving my kids every morning because I want to.  I could write, so, so much more on this, but I think I have to sum it up in with this:

NO, it is not my “choice.”  NO, we cannot afford, not even by the most creative budgeting known to man, to live on His income.  You don’t live here. You don’t know how we got here. You haven’t walked a mile in this family’s shoes. You don’t know how poor I grew up.  You don't know what I've had to do to drag myself out of poverty.  You don’t know how badly I don’t want to be there again.  And if You want to take a look at my balance sheet and figure out HOW I could “choose” to stay home, then you are 1000% welcome to do that.  But if you can’t – seriously shut the f*cking f*ck up because you don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not stupid, and if I can’t figure out a way to make something work, then it cannot be done. Not here. Not under our currently unchangeable circumstances. And to assume that everyone is in the same situation you are in is incredibly short-sighted.

This reminds me of the time the “Feminists” on the Ivillage board told me it was my fault I got Post-Partum depression because I didn’t plan my life better, and also because I didn’t anticipate that having a baby would mean having a cesarean.  Oh we silly women… always misplacing our crystal balls. Boy, maybe, just maybe, if I had been raised in any sort of stable environment I would have had another woman around to tell me what to expect when I had a baby.  But since I have no mother and no siblings, and had to endure that pregnancy without any guidance, perhaps I couldn’t have known what to expect?  It’s pretty difficult for those who “have” to understand anything about those who “have not.”  And they don’t even try.

And here’s where someone will say that it’s a “choice” to feed my kids.  Well, to me, letting my kids starve and losing the roof over our heads is NOT an option.  Not. An. Option.  If it’s an “option” for you, then call me when your kids are starving and you have no place to sleep – because until you’re in that situation, you have no way of knowing whether you really believe that’s an “option.”  You have the luxury of not having to make that "choice."

And the fact is, I have it way, way better than many Americans.  Having a child is the #1 cause of poverty spells in the United States.  I wouldn't even have health insurance if I didn't have a job - so what happens if my kid gets sick?  Now I've "chosen" to have a sick child that I can't get treatment for?  Clearly, my family is not the only one facing these situations.  We’re not in dire straits right now – but if I quit my job, that will change fast.

And that pisses me off.  I’m trapped.  I’m sad.  I want to be home with my kids.  I don’t want to work two jobs and go to school full time at night for the next 6 years anymore.  I’m angry because I ended up exactly where I didn’t want to be. I’m flailing.  I’m trying everything I can think of to change my situation.  And at the end of the day, I still can’t make it go away.  But on the average day, I deal with this fairly well.  I get up and go to work until 5 pm. I get off work and sit in class until 10 pm.  I get out of class and go home to make cakes until 2 am.  And I pack every second of family time in where I can.

But then someone tells me their life is soooooo hard being a stay-at-home mom, and I want to fracking scream.  And when I scream, they tell me that I could be a stay-at-home mom if I just “lived within my means” or planned a little better – and then, I want to break down crying, because those people are so out of touch with what my family/many families go through to try to provide the very basics for their kids.  Those familes have no idea what my down-to-the-penny Excel budget looks like each and every month.

And because they’re so out of touch, they’ll never understand.  So here’s where I stop trying to make them.

*exhale.*

“Bad Mommy” The Finale: Things I Don’t Want to Be Called

I started to talk about this in the comments section of another blogger’s post, but I already promised to complete my thoughts about this here, so here goes.

Yes, it is true that for thousands of years, philosophers have been discussing the true meaning or concept of “Good.”  And yes, it is true that language is inherently ambiguous, meaning that the society utilizing the language decides on the meaning of that word, and there could be many completely contradictory meanings of any one word.

But is there really any question in our minds what constitutes a “bad mother?”  Sure, there are varying degrees of “bad” – ranging from the “leave-your-baby-unattended-in-a-hot-car” type of Bad to “carelessly-feed-them-junk-until-they-develop-diabetes” type of Bad.  Only one of those things will actually get you thrown in jail, but I think we can all agree that neither of those actions is “good.”  I’ll completely sidestep the obviously demented and psychologically unstable “drown-your-kids-in-the-bathtub” type, because to me that has gone far beyond “bad” mom to “clinically insane” mom.

So, knowing what our society generally accepts as the definition of a “bad mother” – why are so many GOOD mothers lining up to label themselves “bad?”  The answer has been attempted to be justified by some of the most popular mom bloggers out there today, but not one of them has convinced me of their case.  Here’s why:

Some years ago toward the peak of my rocker days, I had to deal with quite a bit of jealousy because of the unique opportunities I received.  Lesser people talked, as they do, and accused me of sleeping around to get the things I wanted.  Some of them just accused me of sleeping around for no reason.  It made them feel better about themselves to try and drag me down.  And while I was in no way a prude, or even a good girl, my life behind closed doors was nobody else’s business.

So one day I got sick of all the chatter, and I decided to take back the power!  Go Gina!  My band was headlining a big show, so I got a T-shirt made that said, in big bold letters simply, “Dirty Whore.”  I wore that shirt proudly and thought to myself “Oh yeah! You want to call me a dirty whore! Well, I beat you to it!”  I felt so witty and clever.  That’s the benefit of immaturity – it makes you think you’re so brilliant while everyone else is simply embarrassed for you.

Now I get to explain to my children why there’s a picture of their mommy on stage wearing a shirt reading “Dirty Whore.”  Not exactly one of my finer moments.  In my capricious youth I thought I was taking back the term.  Now, I realize I just sank down to their level.  Now, at 31, I realize that I gave others permission to define me and my style by derogatory terms, instead of breaking the mold and redefining what it meant to be a female artist.  How incredibly short-sighted of me.  I had a great opportunity to change attitudes, but instead I accepted defeat, accepted their label, and tried to convince myself it didn’t hurt.

And these Proud Bad Moms are no different.  They’re shirking the “mainstream” expectations of them by labeling themselves “bad” – as if “bad” is the new “good.”  Well, all I know is the real “bad” mothers are still “bad” and I wouldn’t want to be associated with that category of people no matter how hip and rebellious it seems.  What exactly is wrong with broadening the scope of what it means to be a GOOD mother?  Perhaps that’s a little more work, and wouldn’t garner as much attention and blog hits.  But Bad attracts Bad – and It won’t take too long before the truly Bad moms arrive on their blog’s doorstep telling “funny” stories of how they locked their kids in the trunk of their car because they were yellin’, and now The Good-Bad Moms end up in the precarious position of separating themselves from the Good bad and Actual bad.  And then who gets to decide what's "Acceptable Bad" and "Unacceptable Bad?" And even if everyone knew they were being “tongue-in-cheek” this is still nothing more than accepting the opinions of others rather than redefining what it means to be doing the Right Thing.

Let’s remove this from the Mommy Wars for a second and apply this to other unique groups.  Do you see educated, respectable African Americans proudly calling themselves racial slurs just because some other ignorant people do?  Hell No.  They will not sink to that level. They work to redefine what it means to be a strong black person in American Society instead of accepting defeat and assimilating into the ignorance.  Barack Obama has been called a “Terrorist” and “Communist” on a million occasions, and I don’t see him out at the press junkets saying “Yo, Yo, yeah, I’m a terrorist, what!  Terrorists are the new cool!”  Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?  But couldn’t we argue that the word “terrorist” is just as ambiguous as “bad” and Barack has the right to redefine what it means to be a terrorist?  I know, I know. That’s just silly - about as silly as this whole "Bad Moms are really Good Moms" thing.

All I know is that Good is still Good, and no trend will undo that.  I align myself with the Good Mothers because that’s the example I want to set for my children.  Unfortunately, it’s a little too late for that “Dirty Whore” thing.  I can only hope that one day, when my kids come across that picture, it teaches them a lesson about immaturity and the long-term memory of the internet.  In the meantime, I'm trying to straighten up my act.

Who Doesn't Like Free Stuff?

As I mentioned last week, I have a new reviews blog called The Feminist Shopper.  Each week I'm trying to do at least one giveaway to put my favorite products or services in the hands of my readers.  This week we're giving away a free card design from PaperJack Designs.  You can use the free design any time in the next 12 months, so you can save if for your holiday cards, or even your next baby's birth announcement!  The best part? Anyone from any country can play!  All you need is an internet connection to recieve the goods. 

If you have any products or services you think I should try to review, please let me know!  And please visit The Feminist Shopper to enter this week's giveaway.  Good luck!

AMA - a.k.a. Unethical Hypocrites Association

The American Medical Assocation has lost their damn mind.  And this time it affects every single person in this country.  You all should be horrified and frightened.

Tuesday, June 16th, the AMA votes on a resolution to create billing codes that would identify "non-compliant" patients.  What this is means is anytime you do not agree with a doctor's diagnosis, if you seek a second opinion, or if you pursue alternative forms of treatment, this doctor can tag your medical records with a code that labels you a "Problem Patient" - paving the way for insurance carriers to deny you coverage.

The entire concept of this is not only totally against the doctrine of informed refusal, but is also completely hypocritical to the American Medical Association's OWN codes of conduct for Informed Consent & Refusal.  The following is taken directly from the AMA's own website:

Informed consent is more than simply getting a patient to sign a written consent form. It is a process of communication between a patient and physician that results in the patient's authorization or agreement to undergo a specific medical intervention.

In the communications process, you, as the physician providing or performing the treatment and/or procedure (not a delegated representative), should disclose and discuss with your patient:

• The patient's diagnosis, if known;
• The nature and purpose of a proposed treatment or procedure;
• The risks and benefits of a proposed treatment or procedure;
• Alternatives (regardless of their cost or the extent to which the treatment options are covered by health insurance);
• The risks and benefits of the alternative treatment or procedure; and
• The risks and benefits of not receiving or undergoing a treatment or procedure.

In turn, your patient should have an opportunity to ask questions to elicit a better understanding of the treatment or procedure, so that he or she can make an informed decision to proceed or to refuse a particular course of medical intervention.

So, hold on.  Informed consent and refusal is not only protected by every level of law that exists in this land, but it is also advocated right on the AMA's own website, and now they think they can pass a resolution to punish anyone who invokes their right to participate in their own care? 

Besides the obvious implications this has on VBACing mothers, it's obvious that no healthcare-seeking American would be safe from this ridiculous resolution.

So, what can you do about it?  Well, you can act really quick - ICAN has posted a list of resources you can contact to voice your opposition to this.

_____

UPDATE! The AMA voted and the resolution was unanimously DEFEATED!  I'm sure this is thanks to all the hardwork of everyone who spoke out against this ridiculous resolution.  Let's keep an eye on this and make sure they try a stunt like this again!

"Bad Mommy" Part Deux - Sleep Training Makes You Evil

Go ahead; try it.  Mention the term “Sleep Training” in a room full of hardcore natural parenting types, and notice how quickly their strictly-organic-cotton panties get twisted up in a bunch.  You’d think you had just said that you whip your child with a chain every night before bed.  We’ve played this game on my blog before, and I believe that the (surprisingly civil) conclusion we came to is that hardcore attachment parenting types (henceforth referred to as HAPTs) assume that there is only one brand of sleep training, and that “Sleep Training” always means “Cry It Out” or “Ferberizing.”  In reality, there are a ton of gentle sleep training solutions (try here, here, and here) advocated even by the very leaders of the HAPTs that have nothing at all to do with "Cry it Out". In essence many parents are probably doing them already but simply don’t want to call it “Sleep Training.” 

But, even more unsettling to me is this ridiculous trend in mommy-martyrdom that dictates that Sleep is for the Weak and perpetuates this attidude that good, attached parents should never expect their children to sleep for the 12-16 hours a day that is universally recommended by nearly every health expert I’ve ever seen write on the subject.  Well, I’m not quite sure when someone decided that good sleep wasn’t a completely essential function of healthy living, but I can assure you, even without a medical degree or a Ph.D. in Clinical Studies, it seems quite obvious to me that a lack of good sleep is unhealthy at best.  Notice I say “good” sleep, because “bad” sleep, or interrupted sleep is not the same thing.  Dr. Marc Weissbluth refers to interrupted sleep as “junk” sleep and says “Junk food is not healthy for our bodies. Neither is a junk sleep schedule.”  Now, I'm not interested in shaming the families with alternative types of sleep schedules - do whatever works for you - I'm just saying there is more than enough evidence (to me) to make good sleep habits a priority in my house, so I don't appreciate the "why in the world would someone sleep train?!?!!" comments I see on Twitter and other blogs.   

Children’s sleep habits are set early on, and a lack of good sleep habits has been attributed to everything from depression, to behavior issues, to hypertension, to heart disease.  Anecdotally speaking, I have terrible sleep habits that were programmed in me from the moment I arrived in my screwed up household.  I never had a bedtime or naps, so I stayed awake, sometimes all night- yes, even as a child - flipping the channels or playing with my dolls.  I remember being really jealous of the kids at pre-school who got “nap-time” at noon because this was the hour that I was picked up and taken home to do anything but nap.  I longed to be one of them, laying there on their little mats, drifting off to dream world.  Now to this very day, I am an insomniac.  I have no ability to regulate my sleep patterns, and it takes me hours to fall asleep at night.  Last night (well, this morning actually) I woke up at 4:30 a.m. when Julesy needed to nurse again, and I never fell back asleep.  I tossed and turned and stared at the ceiling until it was time to get in the shower and prepare for my long day of work.  My body has no idea how to fall asleep.  So, instead of even trying to sleep, I’m up doing all those things that make other moms say “How in the world do you find the time???”  I don’t find the time, the time finds me, like a gypsy curse sent to suck the energy out of my day.  But eventually, I crash, and it isn’t pretty.  I don’t want this for my kids.

So, it’s clear that I believe in setting good sleep habits, but there is more than one way to go about it that does NOT involve locking a child in their room to scream until they pass out.  But that’s the image HAPTs get in their head when I say “Sleep Training.” 

So I’ve decided to use a new term: “Sleep Guidance.” 

I provide my child with the structure and setting to promote a healthy sleep pattern as suggested by many experts on the subject, thereby contributing to their overall health and well-being.  How how I do that?  Simple: my children have a schedule they can rely upon, and this schedule has them napping each day at the necessary times and intervals, and going to bed at night at roughly 7:30 pm each and every evening without a struggle.  They can count on this.  They welcome it.  There is no screaming and torturous “Cry It Out” going on every night in my house.  At 6 pm, the “dinner-bath-bedtime” routine starts, so when it’s time to go to sleep, they are prepared and mentally ready for it.  Have they fussed and cried sometimes?  Sure, once every blue moon.  But it’s not a “Cry-It-Out” situation.  And if you don’t believe me, come over to my house around 7:30 each evening and you’ll be shocked to find how easy it is to get my kids to bed.

I’ll happily admit, however, that sickness, teething, particularly over-stimulating days, or other factors out of our control can sometimes throw a wrench into my children’s good sleep habits.  But for the most part, things run relatively smooth in this department.  Jonas has been sleeping straight through the night since he was 6 weeks old, but Julesy has had more trouble sleeping straight through and sometimes requires some night nursing to keep him content around 2 am-ish.  The night-nursing is an on/off habit that we’re looking to break at this point, and we’re working on that now we feel that he’s old enough to discontinue his nightly visits to the 24 Hour Milk Bar.  I would have put the kibosh on that months ago, but my waning milk supply necessitated every feeding possible.  But now, Jules’s night waking disturbs his brother’s sleep, as well as mine and daddy’s, and as Dr. Sears says right on his own website, “If you resent it, change it!”

So, in conclusion, anyone who thinks that Sleep Guidance sounds like a chain whipping simply has problems of their own.  I don't care what you do in your house, but don't throw tomatoes at me when I say we use sleep training "sleep guidance."  I will not join the martyrdom and self-sacrificing insomniacs because even Dr. Sears says “… what your baby needs most is a happy, rested mother.”

Thank you Dr. Sears; I’d take a much-deserved nap when I get home tonight but my lifelong shotty sleep habits prevent me from falling asleep at will.  Thanks anyway though.

Fat Baby Walking

I Bet You Didn’t Know You Were a Bad Mom

There has been a lot of rumbling around my particular Twittosphere this week regarding parenting styles, and what it means to be a “good” or “bad” mom.  Notice I said “mom” because most people don’t even touch the dads on this issue – I’m guessing because women prefer to only judge and devour each other.
 
What I’ve discovered this week is that I’m a bad mom for giving my son Time-Outs.  I’m a bad mom for sleep training.  I'm a bad mom for vaccinating.  And I’m a bad mom for thinking that I’m a good mom.  Now… ain’t that some shit?

First of all, the day that pigs fly is the day that I’ll believe the kind of parenting I’m doing is "bad."  I’m actually jealous of my children.  They live a great life; a whole lot better life than I had growing up.  They are happy, and protected, and smart, and encouraged, and healthy, and well-behaved at least 95% of the time, and loved, and hugged, and loved some more.  Boy, sounds like I’m doing a pretty shitty job, doesn’t it?
 
Well, I’m not.  I’m doing an awesome job.  And so is my husband.

My feelings run so deep on this that I think I’m going to have to break this into three posts.  This post will deal my feelings on Time-Outs.  I’ll tackle the sleep training and “good mom vs bad mom” stuff in a day or two.

Boy, did I get pissed last week when I was told that giving my son Time-Outs was “damaging” our relationship and “negatively impacting” my child’s self-esteem.   Apparently there’s a “method” called “Time-In” in which is essentially the exact opposite of a "Time-Out."  According to this style when the child misbehaves, the root cause of the misbehavior is some need for the parent’s attention, so the parent should focus all their attention on that child for a set amount of time.  The article implies that A.) the only reason my child is misbehaving is because I’m neglecting or ignoring him and B.) as long as I’m 100% focused on my child he will not misbehave.  Neither of those things is true.

Okay, raise your hand if your child has ever gone ape-shit over some dumb little thing when you’re sitting right there playing with him/her – Anyone?  Anyone?  I know mine has.  I’ll be sitting there playing cars with him, and he’ll pick up a car and throw it across the room – just to test me.  So I’ll say, “we don’t throw cars, it could hurt someone.”  So  a few minutes later, the toddler, being a toddler, defies all logic and reason and picks up the nearest car and hurls it straight toward his baby brother’s nose.  Luckily he misses, so I firmly say “if you throw another car, we’re done playing.”  So, of course, it’s a power struggle now, and he needs to see exactly how much damage he can do before he finds himself in a heap of trouble.  Fast forward a few more minutes, and a car is whipped across the room hard enough to take out a lamp.  So I say “that’s it, the cars are being put away.”  The child has lost his cars privileges for the moment. 

Well, Insert screaming, tantrum, flailing, throwing himself on the floor, running around the room, knocking things over, yada, yada, yada.  Here is where the child needs a Time-Out.  And for those new-ish mothers with children under 2 who read this and think “my child would neeeeeeever do that” all I can say is, “oh, you just wait.”  I once had a dreamy little baby who could never, ever do any wrong.  Then he grew into a toddler.  There’s a reason they call it “The Terrible Twos”.  You are not immune to it, so get off your high-horse right now before Karma smacks you off it.
 
Back to the tantrum.  Jonas has lost his little mind temporarily, so there’s nothing left to do but place him in his special little Time-Out chair (adorable, isn’t it?).  He gets the “this is why you are here” speech, and he’s left to sit there for two minutes to chill the f*ck out.  A few minutes later, the child has calmed himself, and realizes sitting in a chair isn’t nearly as much fun as the cars we were playing with before he went berserk.  So he says he’s sorry, gives me a hug and a kiss, and is ready to continue the day without incident.  Problem solved.

This happens about twice a week on average.  Some weeks it doesn’t happen at all.  Some episodes are more severe than others, but it always, always works (unless he's sick or tired or something is really wrong, and in that case I realize that and we deal with the new circumstances.)

Would you believe the previous story sounds like child abuse to some people?  They actually call it “Non-parenting” or “Conditional Parenting” – as in, “you’re teaching the child that you’ll only parent them (i.e. love them) when they’re good.”  Okay, what the F ever.  I believe that kids need parents to teach them that there are choices and there are consequences.  Chilren NEED guidance.  Discipline shows them you give a crap.  And if you can’t play nice?  That’s your choice, but it’s MY choice not to play with you then!

And if the article was only offering a different option for discipline, or an alternative approach if Time-Out's aren't working (like this book does) then fine. I'm all for alternatives. And if that first article was only implying that sometimes children act out when mommy is not paying attention to them, then okay, I can see that the child might need attention.  Every mother has found herself taking a little too long in the bathroom, only to realize that her unattended toddler is up to his ears in trouble in the next room.  In that case, of course most mothers will drop what they’re doing (if they can) and go over and interact with the child.  Most moms realize that was their own dumb fault for not paying attention.  But that’s not a “style” or “technique”.  That’s just common sense parenting.  Nobody needs to tell me to get the hell off Twitter and go figure out why my kids are yelling at each other.  I just do that.  If the author of this article is just offering a different approach, however common-sensical and intuitive it ought to be, then she wouldn’t have been shaming those people who do use Time-Outs.  No.  Instead she was saying Time-Outs are “damaging”, and Time-Ins are “the right way”.  Okay lady, you do “Time-Ins” in your house, and call me when your child refuses to listen to their teacher/babysitter/coach and can’t be trusted out of your sight.  Nutcase.
 
I would also like to add that nobody else in the world is going to put up with your kid’s crap and give them a “Time-In” when they’re actin’ a fool.  In my house, we try to teach our kids how to behave out in the real world - and if they want someone to play with them, they better not act like jerks.  That will get them nowhere, fast.  

In short, what I’m doing works.  It works for us anyway, and if the "Time-In-Only" method is working for you, then what-ev-er, good for you, but don’t try to tell me I’m “damaging” my child.  Go focus your efforts on the crackheads and people who beat their kids.

...Next time on “I Bet You Didn’t Know You Were a Bad Mom” we’ll find out how letting your child sleep soundly at night is something akin to water-boarding.  Oh, the humanity.

My Little Projects...

I'm sick today, and the kids are still tossing and turning an hour past their bedtime, so this will be short and sweet.

A few weeks ago I started a reviews blog called The Feminist Shopper.  I'm reviewing my favorite things (I know, how Oprah of me!) and holding contests/giveaways to put my favorite things in the hands of my readers, when I can.  I don't have the "star power" yet to get the big companies to participate in my giveaways, but this week I got one of my favorite mom-owned businesses to cough up some free stuff for my readers.  Score.

And yesterday, Gimme Cakes (my cake business) did its first big church wedding, and that cake almost killed me.  I had a terrible snafu that rendered all my top-quality fondant useless, and with 5 hours until the wedding I had no white fondant, and a massive heart attack forming.  I had to make some quick adjustments and power through the nightmare, and in the end I dropped off a pretty bad-ass cake.  I swear though, the entire morning I was absolutely convinced I was going to end up on Cake Wrecks.  And the bad luck didn't even end when I dropped the cake off.  I got all the way home - one hour and 45 minutes after I dropped the cake off (we stopped for food) and realized that I had somehow walked out with their cake knife and server.  Oy.  So, I had to jump back in the car, race 40 minutes back to the venue, and sneak into the middle of the reception to pass the utencils to the nearest member of the wedding party I could find.

So I stressed myself straight into an illness.  I feel absolutely craptastic today.  And in the last five minutes I've managed to develop an ear ache.  Awesome.  I'm going to bed now, but you should go enter the contest to win the sweet goods from Earth Mama Angel Baby.

Things You Should Read Thursday: Vol. 8

(I skipped doing this last week because I had too much to say about the Jon & Kate situation.)

Michael Woodhead: "Natural" caesareans a gimmick
It’s a really short article but it does link to a great PDF.  Right now I’m shuddering at the newly-coined term “Natural Cesareans.”  I knew this was coming.  With the VBAC-lash hospitals have been facing, they’re trying to find ways to convince unsuspecting mothers that major abdominal surgery can somehow be just the same as the real thing.  Doesn’t this sound familiar?  Sounds like Similac saying “The closest thing to breastmilk!”   Yeah. Nice try.  Now, I’m all for humanizing the cesarean process for those women who absolutely must have those surgeries. The experience is already humiliating and traumatizing enough.  Things like keeping the mother with the baby throughout the entire delivery/recovery/postpartum, and allowing breastfeeding immediately, could help eliminate some trauma a mother experiences when, as a result of a surgical delivery, her baby is taken away from her and not seen until hours later.  But does that make it “natural” and the same as vaginal birth?  Absolutely not.

CIMS: Free Web Seminar on Informed Consent & Refusal in Maternity Care
This is geared toward childbirth professionals, but I think anyone interested in these topics should sign up for this free information session. Just head to the website, register for the webinar, and stick the reminder on your calendar. 

That’s all for this week.  Toodles.

Circuit City Extended Warranty Plans are NOT being Honored

Circuit City is still screwing us, even months after closing their doors.  We found out the hard way last night that our broken car DVD player will NOT be replaced in accordance with the extended warranty we purchased, even though we paid an extra couple hundred dollars to ensure that it would be replaced if necessary. The following is the letter I wrote to our local news station after a two hour brawl with Assurant Solutions, the company that supposedly backs the warranties sold under the Circuit City Advantage Plan.

Hello NBC Target 5 Team.

I wanted to make you aware of an issue which I believe should be known to all consumers who were told by Assurant Solutions that Circuit City Advantage Plans (extended warranty service) would be honored after the store's closing.

Official statement made by Assurant Solutions in reference to the warranties

This is a false statement. 

When we found out Circuit City was going under, we checked Assurant's website, and read through all the Terms & Conditions of our service plan, and were assured in both cases that our extended warranty would cover the parts and labor of our Car DVD player.

Assurant states "Circuit City customers have no need to worry about their plans still being valid," he said. "our companies will continue to provide them the same high quality, consistent service, regardless of Circuit City’s outcome."

In reference specifically to the type of service our product requires - the company states this "Circuit City customers who subscribed to a plan that included carry-in service will be provided an alternative drop-off location for on-site service or shipping instructions to return items to an authorized service center."

Well, that DVD player broke last week.  We called Assurant and we were told to pull the DVD player out, ship it back to them, and at that point they would issue a check for the retail purchase price ONLY of our DVD player.  They will not pay for any uninstall/reinstall services, and will not send us to an "authorized service provider."  We are now responsible for several hundred dollars in labor costs.  We told them our service agreement (and their statement to the press that that service agreement would be honored) indicated that we were covered for parts AND service (installation) of that particular product, and we had no intention of paying $200-$300 in uninstall/reinstall fees on a product that ought to be covered.

After two hours on the phone, we were told that Assurant Solutions has "no ability" to provide any coverage for the extended service plans sold by Circuit City, and Assurant has NO "authorized service center(s)" -- a statement in total opposition to the clear statement made to the press and on their website that they WILL provide service at an "authorized service center."  If Assurant Solutions has NO authorized service centers, then their statement made to their customers and the public was an outright falsehood, and they should be held liable for all the consumers they've duped into continuing their worthless contracts.

As part of our Circuit City Advantage warranty, our product is listed under the products that are covered for uninstall/reinstall services, but according to "Greg" at Assurant Solutions Customer Care, Assurant will not honor the actual "Circuit City Advantage Plan" - because, according to Greg, their agreement with Circuit City ended when Circuit City closed it's doors.

I was told "we're all affected by Circuit City's bankruptcy ma'am."  Well, clearly some are more affected than others.

I think it is important to warn others who may wish to cash in their warranties that the warranty they think they have may actually be useless.

As far as our situation, we are contacting an arbitrator (in accordance with the Terms & Conditions of our contract) and plan to take this matter to the courts if necessary.

Thank you for listening.

So the moral of the story is, if you purchased a Circuit City Advantage Plan or other extended warranty at the now defunct store, you better call Assurant to find out how you can either get a new contract that stipulates exactly what they are now responsible for replacing, or cash in that warranty.

With one quick Google search, I found an entire thread of consumers calling for a class action law suite against Assurant and Circuit City based on their Assurant's refusal to honor their warranties.  And Assurant Solutions has NOT seen the last of me.