The Feminist Breeder

It Really Sucks When Somebody Else Claims Your Victory

Two months ago I opened my email to find a message from a mom who was being forced to have a repeat cesarean against her will.  This mother was full term, and the cesarean was scheduled.  I immediately responded and told her she had rights.

This mother had four previous vaginal births, and her fifth (last child) was a cesarean.  She did not want a cesarean, and she did not believe she needed to have one, but she felt that they could do it against her will.  She needed help, and I made it my personal mission to help her.  This is what I do.  I help.  And she needed a lot. 

I talked to her several times a day, almost every day for weeks.  Her case became hugely stressful.  I was up nights tracking down information for her.  I worried for her every time she wrote me with more awful things her OB said to her.  I agonized with her.  My husband watched me pacing the floor, racking my brain to try to come up with resources for her.  At a certain point I told my husband I wasn’t sure how much more help I could give her because it was taking up all my time and all the space in my head.  But then I pressed on, because she needed me.

And all the information I directed her to got her doctor more and more mad.  At her 40 week appointment, her doctor finally had enough of her sticking up for herself, and sent her a certified letter dropping her from care.  If you know me on Facebook or Twitter, you’ve heard me talk about her.

When the mother sent me the frantic email about being dropped by her OB, I dropped everything I was doing that day.  I was at work, my last week of work, and I was busy as hell. But nothing was more important to me than her crisis.  This was the most outrageously unethical thing I had witnessed from a provider, and this mother was scared out of her mind.  Here she was, 40+ weeks pregnant and without any care whatsoever. 

I immediately got on the phone with the National Advocates for Pregnant Women.  I wrote everyone from ICAN I could think of.  I talked to the Illinois ACLU.  I had half the reproductive justice community invested in her case.  I did everything I could to find help - everything I could do to get attention to her case so we could find her an emergency provider, and hopefully some peace of mind.

After all my hard work, I got a text message from this mother the morning after I left my job, announcing her beautiful baby girl born by VBAC.  It was one of the most triumphant feelings of my life.  I could place this up there next to my own VBAC.

And this mother described me as her “angel” in her VBAC story.  I was just glad I could help.  But admittedly, I was so very, very proud to be thought of that way.

After her VBAC, I directed her to some places to get media attention for her story.  She contacted the local news station, and they decided to do a piece on her.  I helped prep her for interview.  I sent her everything I could.  I helped calm her fears.  She told them (twice) in her interview that it was my ICAN chapter that helped her.  She mentioned us by name.

The reporter has been working on the story for the past month, and I’ve been waiting for a phone call or an email from her, if she wanted any information from us at all.

Instead, tonight, out of nowhere, I got an email announcement from another chapter stating that they had been interviewed about this mother, and that the piece would air on Tuesday.

Reading that email, I felt like I got punched in the gut.  I’m not sure why someone who doesn’t know anything about this case would be compelled to speak to a reporter doing a story on this mother.  Am I wrong in thinking that they should have directed that reporter to ME?  I can understand the reporter not realizing the difference between chapters, but I cannot understand another person speaking about any part of a situation they were not involved in. 

Especially not after all the work I did.  I feel so totally betrayed.  I feel like I did all the hard work, and somebody else just stepped in front of the media to take credit for it.

I’m not going to hide it.  I’m pissed. I could go on and drag up so many other issues I have with this particular person’s actions, but I am trying to be as professional I can about this, considering I feel the way I do.  I don’t want to be a drama llama.  And I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to martyr myself.  Maybe nobody cares that it was MY work that helped this woman.  Maybe it doesn’t matter.

Just. Goddammit.

*stomping feet on ground*

UGHGH!!!

Should Wii Buy One?

The husband and I are pretty anti-video game.  We never enjoyed them growing up, and now that we see grown men sitting around playing World of Warcraft while their wives do everything around the house, the whole concept seems to be Loserville with a Capital L.  I would so much rather be reading a book.  We have always said that we didn’t want our kids to get into video games either because there are so many other activities they could be doing instead.  They could play sports, or play an instrument, or play a board game.  You know… all the other things in the world that can stimulate a mind other than staring at another screen.

And don’t get us started on “Rock Band.”  Ohmyfuckinggod.  If you want to play music and pretend to be a rock star, what the hell is wrong with picking up an actual guitar that makes music?  That’s what the husband and I did when we were kids, and that’s why we got to spend our 20’s living the rock life.  What would have happened if (insert your favorite recording artist here) had not picked up an instrument when they were a kid, and instead decided to play freaking “Rock Band”?

So here in this house we have always written video games off as “not our thing.”  Meh.

Then along came the Wii Fit.  Neither one of us has ever used the Wii Fit, but we have played a few games of Wii bowling at our friends’ house and a fair amount of fun.  But the Wii Fit actually sounds really useful to us.  Perhaps it’s just the thing that may motivate me to get off my ass and do some Yoga.  I can’t afford to take any Yoga (or other fitness) classes, and maybe this is a cheaper alternative.

So now we’re contemplating buying a Wii as our family Christmas present to ourselves.  The system would cost us about $300, and that’s a huge chunk of change to us.  So I ask you, loyal blog readers, is this a good purchase?  The idea of buying a video game system is so intensely unappealing to me, but I sure do like the sound of having an interactive fitness system in the house.

Thoughts?

Bed-sharing for Just the Children?

Last year, Peggy O’Mara and Mothering Magazine asked the question “Who Wants to Sleep Alone?”  Well, I can tell them who – my oldest son.  The child has never been the co-sleeping or bed-sharing type.  He wants his own space, and if given that, he will sleep a full 12 hours at night and a solid 2-3 hours for daytime naps.  On the off occasions that we did try to bed-share with him, he’d lay awake tossing and turning – or think it was play time.

My younger son is the exact opposite though.  He slept in bed with us for at least a few hours each night until he was a year old.  At that point the night nursing pretty much stopped and he now stays asleep in his room all through the night (most nights.)  But if given the chance, he’ll happily snuggle up in bed with us.  Of course, I don’t sleep when he’s laying next to me so I keep him in his bed whenever possible.  Our bed is just not big enough to for me to be comfortable with a giant toddler tucked under my armpit and a 6”1 man taking up the other half the bed next to me.  I need my space, yo.

Then about a month ago, we decided to rearrange the boys room and give Jonas a full-size bed.  Well, we originally wanted to give him a twin bed and move Jules into the toddler bed, but my husband didn’t want to buy a twin bed when we had his old Bachelor-days full-size bed hanging out in the rafters of the garage.  So I performed engineering acrobatics and managed to fit the full size bed in the boys room, with the toddler bed for Jules situated next to it.  There’s not as much free space in their room now, which bugs me, but whatever… Jonas LOVES his bed.    He tells us so every single day.  He runs all over it shrieking “I love my big boy bed!!! I love it.”  

Julesy seems to like having Jonas’s old toddler bed too.  But invariably, at least half the nights out of the week, Jules ends up crawling into bed with his brother and sleeps there all night.  Jonas isn’t really excited about this.  He yells “Mama, git Jewsy outta my bed!” many times before just giving up and letting his brother pass out next to him.

But last night I got to thinking – what if we just took the toddler bed out of the room?  If Jules is going to end up passed out in Jonas’s full size bed anyway, what’s the point of having it in there?  Think of all the things I could do with that extra space!

But the idea of my kids not having their own bed bugs me.  I understand that lots of AP folks (including that Peggy O’Mara article) will say “but in most other cultures, the whole family shares a bed!”  Okay, fair enough, but are these other cultures doing that by choice, or out of poverty?  Nobody mentions that distinction when they’re rattling off the percentage of bed-sharing families in the world.  Are the richest folks in Switzerland bed-sharing, or it that generally limited to developing countries where a second bed is considered a luxury?  

When I was growing up, there was a lot of bed-sharing going on, but it was NOT a parenting-style choice.  It was because we literally could not afford another bed, or another space for a bed.  Finally getting my own bed was one of the most amazing things that ever happened to me.  And I didn’t get that bed until I was almost 15 years old.

So the idea of taking one child’s bed away and putting them in one big bed just seems wrong to me (for my family).  It doesn’t seem fair.  Even though Jules is totally fine with sleeping in a bed with his brother, his brother is not super jazzed about that, and I think it’s okay for Jonas to want his own space.  Kids are different… whoduthunkit?

So I guess I decided to leave Julesy’s bed right where it is.  That sorta bums me out though because I’d really like to free up the space in that room.  I’m just not ready to force them to share a bed.  If they end up bed-sharing by choice, I won’t stop it, but I don’t want that to be their only option.  I’m still emotionally conflicted over it.

How would you handle this situation?

An Alternative Feminist Perspective on the Twilight Saga

I love the Stephanie Meyers’s Twilight Series.  There, I said it.

I’ve read all four books, plus the unreleased “Edward version” of Twilight.  I also own the movie, and my adoring husband already pre-purchased my tickets for “New Moon” when he was being extra thoughtful one day.  I’ve made two custom Twilight cakes for customers (<------one pictured here) and I’ll go so far as to admit I own an Edward Cullen shoulder bag.   Okay, so maybe I even almost lifted a full size Edward Cullen cutout from the Hot Topic at Yorktown Mall.  Go ahead and laugh your ass off, I’m not ashamed.  That character makes me feel like I’m in heat for the first time in... wait...how old is my son?  That’s right - 3 years, 3 months, and 3 days.  That’s how long it’s been since I wanted to rub myself against someone.

But, it seems that few in the feminist community share my love for this series.  It downright pisses the ladies off.   I get it... I really do.  You have a hapless female lead who’s tripping all over own feet - until along comes a beautiful, mysterious man who rescues her from herself.  Problem is, he could kill her quicker than she could scream “domestic violence” and he controls every move she makes in an order to “protect” her from others.  But even though he’s lethal, she’s madly in love with him and becomes suicidal when he tries to leave her.  She lusts after him incessantly, but he denies all her advances for fear that she will corrupt him. She then ultimately sacrifices her life in order to be with him because being his partner is all she dreams of doing with the rest of her days.

Wow... sounds like a super functional relationship, right?  Is it any wonder that the feminists are angry?

Well, I see it a little differently.  We’re talking about literature here.  It’s Art.  Fiction.  It’s not oppressing anybody.  So, Why so serious, ladies?

I suppose that some could argue that this book tells impressionable young girls, who are the Twilight saga’s core audience, that Bella and Edward’s relationship is somehow a model of what real loving relationships should look like.  I definitely wouldn’t want my teen thinking that that.  But come on – since when did art have to be anything but an outlet?  Since when did fiction have to be anything but an expression of fantasy?  Books are meant to be an escape into a different world.  Meyers is not trying to indoctrinate our youth.  She simply had a fantastic story to tell, and it happened to have resonated with young, hormonal girls (and desperate housewives all over this country.)

I fear that the people who make the moral or feminist argument against this series are also the same people who claim that Marilyn Manson causes teens to shoot up libraries.   Rock music does not make monsters out of children, and Stephanie Meyers’s Twilight series is not going to single-handedly turn our bright, feminist daughters into Stepford wives.  If your teen daughter does not know what a healthy, loving relationship looks like, then you’ve got bigger problems than Meyers writing a few novels of questionable literary value.

It’s a book.  Before you go burning it, decide whether you really want to be burning other female authors’ works simply because you do not find them entertaining. 

I, for one, like escaping into a world where lust, danger, love, action, adventure, and mystery can be wrapped up into a one series that makes me feel the orgasmic aching of Passion again.  Can't you just see the sizzle coming off that word?  Remember, the fleeting hot love that existed before babies and mortgages and washing machine repairs extinguished any fire in your loins?  These books are an indulgence, and I think Meyers hit herself a home run with these stories.

And that is The Feminist Breeder’s word on it.

Now discuss..........

Wordless Wednesday

(t-shirt available at http://shop.cafepress.com/design/33641744)

Two Giveaways You Should Enter Right Now!

I have two giveaways on my reviews site right now and both are for really good stuff.

The first is a Rockabye Baby! music giveaway, and the contest ends in 6 hours - so get crackin!

The next is a giveaway of a fantabulously hilarious novel called "This Little Mommy Stayed Home."  It's just too good, so go try to win yourself a copy.

Now Git!  Skeedaddle! And don't say I never gave you anything! ;)

Do You See What I See?

I generally sit around thinking my life sucks.  I mean, yeah, I have these kids that I love.  And yeah, I’m certainly doing better now than I was when I couldn’t eat and had no roof over my head.  I have a place to live, running water, and heat, which is much more than I had most of my childhood so that’s definitely a step up.  And sure, things aren't as bad for me as they are for some other people.  Thinking about that doesn't help though.  I am nowhere near where I want to be – and I have always filed "Not what I want” in the same box as “Bad.” 

So it always shocks the shit out of me when other people talk about how great they think my life is.  All I ever think about is what I don’t have.  It consumes me.  The Void is what keeps me sick with stress, and motivates me keep reaching higher/farther/deeper.   I don’t have a perfect marriage.  I don’t have perfect children.  I don’t have the house that I want, or the career that I want, or the hair that I want, etc. etc. etc.  (I could keep adding to this list all day, but surely you get my point.)

Yet in the last week – three different friends have made comments to me, apropos nothing, about my life being “amazing.”  Huh?!

These aren’t cyber friends either.  These are people who’ve either witnessed babies come out of me, or who drank MadDog 20/20 with me before either of us was old enough to drive.  I may not talk to them often, but suffice to say they know me.  So hearing this come from them really got my attention.  My life is amazing?  You can’t be serious!  Have you not been paying attention?  Remember:

• I have no degree
• I am the embodiment of stress
• I feel like everybody hates me
• I doubt my mothering skills every second of the day
• I’m wondering why I ever agreed to be married to anybody (and he’s a fine husband, so that leaves me feeling endlessly guilty because I know some other low-maintenance woman would be lucky to have him, only he doesn’t want some other low-maintenance woman, he wants me, which means I’ve effectively brainwashed a totally innocent man into tying his life to mine.)
• I don’t own a home
• I’m not cool anymore
• Maybe I never was?
• I cry all the time – for no good reason – without provocation
• No matter what I tell anybody else, I do not really believe I’ll ever finish my law degree – because seriously?  No Crosley ever finished High School, let alone got a freaking Juris Doctor so who the hell am I kidding here?  That kind of thing does NOT happen to Crosleys.
• But I still try because I cannot accept defeat. 
• And yet I still feel defeated every day.

Sometimes I truly feel that I’m trying to save the Titanic by scooping out one cup of water at a time.

So how can someone else, someone whose life I admire and whose life I wish I lived, look at me and tell me that my life looks so great?  How can they think I have an amazing life?  In a conversation with one friend, I told her how everything was just too hard and she said “You can handle it, you’re the strongest person I know.”  What?  Me? I’m the weakest person I know!  She for the record, is the strongest person I know.  As far as I can tell, everyone everywhere is doing a better job than me, including her. 

So what is wrong with me?  Why can’t I appreciate the fact that I do have a husband who puts up with me, and two healthy kids, and a roof over our head?  Why can’t I just enjoy the fact that I’m in school, even if it will take me another 5 years to be where I want?  Why can’t I be okay with where I am in life, instead of always thinking about where I’m not?  Am I a habitual pessimist?  Maybe I’m just a brat. 

Or maybe my life does suck as much as I assume, but I’ve somehow managed to fool the people around me with some superficial appearance of happiness?

I get this way about my grades too. Yes, I have a perfect 4.0 GPA.  But even that is not good enough for me.  It’s a rouse.  I feel like I must have tricked them into giving it to me because I am a Crosley after all, and we’re generally good-for-nothing.  How could one of us possibly be on the Dean’s List?  I think that if I have a 4.0, they must not be that hard to get.  Maybe I go to the one private university in the country that gives A’s to every single student?  I don’t know.  On the one hand I’m proud of it, but on the other hand even the pride I feel from looking at my perfect grades won’t fill The Void.

Oh... The Void.  The ever present monkey on my back.  The hunger that won’t be satiated.  The hole that won’t be filled.

All I know is that I’m tired of feeling sad and defeated all the time. I wish I could live this “amazing” life that other people think I live.  Maybe I really should go back on Zoloft, but being medicated is just one more way of being defeated.

Will anything ever be enough?

Blah.

I Guess This is Why I Stay Married To 'im

... Because he thinks giving him babies made me hotter, even after a cesarean scar and a stretchy vagina.  What a weirdo.  But we should all be so lucky.

(from a recent twitter convo in which I wax not-so-poetically to my twitter friends about my lost ability to jump on any adorable 22 yr old I see on the street.  And no, I did not think MrJohnCC would be on Twitter that day, cause he never is.)

FeministBreeder: Do u ever see a hot 22 yr old and think to yourself "when did I get too old to fuck hot 22 yr olds?" Major bummer.

MrJohnCC: yet to see a 22 year old hotter than @FeministBreeder."

Feminist Breeder: @MrJohnCC - I'm SURE you see 22 yr old's hotter than me... they just ain't had yer babies.

MrJohnCC: that's why there aren't 22 yo's hotter than @feministbreeder. I know, I'm twisted.

................... whatta man.

Women are the Problem with Women

It’s been happening since the beginning of time.  Women stand in the way of their own progress.  When some women fought for the right to vote, other women opposed women suffrage – even going so far as releasing pamphlets like this one stating all the reasons why women should not have the right to vote.  Yeah…. WOMEN did that.

When some women fought for the right to hold a job without being subjected to sexual harassment and sexual violence, other women told those ladies to sit down and shut up, because they had jobs and they should count themselves lucky.  

And while some women fight for the right to safe, legal access to family planning services, other women fight to criminalize any woman who needs or wants these services.   

But today, there is a newly realized (but not newly practiced) form of social humiliation and injustice for women: Birth Rape.  And like with everything else, some women want to make these women victims all over again by denying that such thing exists.  

Birth rape is a term that many women apply to the treatment they may have suffered under the care of a maternity provider who forced, coerced, and/or threatened their way into a woman’s genitals without her expressed permission.  Make no mistake – this is a criminal act.  A woman whose provider performs procedures on her against her will is in violation of the law and the AMA and ACOG Codes of Ethics.  It is grounds for criminal assault charges, malpractice filings and loss of license.  Even in cases where a women may not suffer any long-term physical damage from the act, these incidents can cause extreme physical and emotional trauma on a woman.  These events can cause a woman to develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or suffer from long term anxiety, depression, and fear.  These events should not be tolerated by a civilized society.  

But they are.  Why?  Because some women refuse to acknowledge the suffering.  Instead, they blame the mother for her feelings.  They tell her “at least you had a healthy baby, who cares what happened in the process?”  They so eloquently tell her to “shut the fuck up” when she talks about her genitals being forcibly touched, entered, or even cut open.  They tell her that she is not allowed to call what happened to her “rape” – and that her attacker “had the best of intentions” so they couldn’t possibly be to blame.  They marginalize her – the way women have always done to other women when they don’t understand, empathize, or care what has been done to them.  It is too difficult to see the truth, so they choose not to.  

But don't get me wrong - A woman does not have to experience any negative feelings from a cesarean, or any other type of birth for that matter.  Furthermore, a mother does not have to experience any type of forced non-consensual treatment to feel a great sense of loss or depression over an unhappy birth experience.  A mother is entitled to feel anything she needs to about the birth she had.  It is HER birth.  HER feelings.  HER right.   

But so many women will not allow a mother to have negative feelings about her own birth experience.  And of course, this upsets me a great deal.  Unrecognized and untreated feelings of loss, depression, and/or violation can send a mother spiraling deeper into an emotional chokehold.  Her very real, and very justifiable feelings are invalidated by some uneducated and ignorant voices.  She may feel isolated, misunderstood, and shamed.  Some women never have children again because they cannot bear to revisit the scene of the attack (i.e. a hospital.)  Some women choose to give birth without the supervision of any care provider whatsoever because they cannot trust anyone to keep them safe.  Some rise up and empower themselves to achieve a birth experience that helps heal their wounds.  And some women try again, only be set up to fail by a system that does not respect their need for bodily integrity or autonomy.  

No woman should have to feel violated during her birth.  And I will not rest until this very real epidemic has the recognition that every other act of sexual misconduct has.  If the suffragists or the Lois Jensens of the world agreed to “Shut the fuck up” because some ignorant women didn’t want to rock the boat, imagine where we’d be today.     

Whether you are a doctor who thinks they have the right to violate women’s bodies against their will, or you are another woman who believes that doctors should have the right to do whatever they want to other women, I only have to say this:  NO MEANS NO – regardless of the medical degree.    

______________________________

If you are a mother who has suffered some form of birth trauma, or unresolved feelings about a negative birth experience, please know that you are not alone. Help is out there.  Here are a few resources to help you begin healing:  

Solace for Mothers – Healing after Traumatic Childbirth

International Cesarean Awareness Network – Cesarean Recovery and VBAC Support

Citizens for Midwifery – Article on filing a formal complaint against a provider

BirthCut – “The Ax Forgets, the Tree Remembers”

The Unnecesarean – A Resource for the Latest in Maternity News, Studies, and Information

The Girl is Crafty like Ice is Cold

A few years ago I wanted curtains but I couldn't find any that I liked, and none that I could afford either (window treatments are expensive, yo!)

So I told the Hyphenated Husband it would be cheaper to buy a sewing machine and some fabric and let me make my own.  It was a LOT of work and I really had no idea what I was doing.  I had to call my aunt and ask her how to thread the bobbin, then I read the directions that came with the sewing machine to figure out the rest.  But to this very day one of the first things people say when they come into my home is how cool my curtains are.  I get compliments on them all the time.  They are pretty cool... even if they are probably sewn all wrong.  A trained seamstress would probably laugh at my execution, but to the untrained eye they look just fine.

So since then I've taken on a little sewing project here and there when I get a wild hair up in the nether places.  This year I decided to make the kids' Halloween costumes, so I went looking for some online tutorials on how to make the pants I needed for Julesy's monster costume.  I found this AWESOME page from Rookie Moms that shows how to make baby pants from an old t-shirt!  I tried that a few nights ago and Hyphenated Husband was so impressed with my pant-making skills, he said I should make some other outfits for the kids too.  I decided to start out trying pajamas.  I figured it would be more forgiving, and if I screwed them up royally then nobody would ever see them outside the house.  So I went a-shoppin' at JoAnn Fabrics today and picked out some super cute prints.

What you're seeing here is my first ever attempt at making a complete pajama set.  I learned how to sew the shirt from a YouTube video tonight.  Overall I'm pretty pleased with myself.  I LOVE the fabric and applique I used, but the shirt came out looking very feminine (maybe it's the trim, or the cut, or both... I dunno, but I hope I can fix that next time.)  You can click on the photo to blow it up and see the detail.  The pants are a Rock N Roll guitar/radio print, and I put a "Rock N Roll" applique on the shirt.  I loved the concept, I just wish that damn shirt hadn't come out looking so girly.  That would be fine if I had a girl (or if I have a girl in the future) but it looks funny on Julesy since the kid is built like a teeny football player.

If you have any sewing tips, or links to favorite sites, please leave them in the comments.  I'm not going to get all serious about it, but my little craft projects are a nice stress reliever when I have time to do them, and I'd like to make something usable every time.

Wordless Wednesday

No, Formula is Not "Fine"

As the #NestleFamily scandal unfolded, you saw twitterers from all over the country weighing in on the debate.  Some made it very clear that the problem we have with Nestle is their unethical business practices, just one being their blatant violation of the World Health Organization's marketing codes for infant formula.  In case you're wondering why that's a big deal, understand  that an estimated 1.3 million children die each year from not being breastfed, especially in developing worlds (but not only in developing worlds - many right here in this country.)  A few years back, it was discovered that a Unicef effort to encourage formula feeding in Botswana (as a misguided  and fatally flawed attempt to limit the transmission of HIV from mother to baby) resulted in children dying in 20 times the usual numbers.  Horrifying results.  But even though most of the NestleFamily twitter debaters tried hard to keep this issue from turning into a breast vs. formula debate, others Twitter Debaters insisted that Nestle's WHO Code violation was a non-issue because "my kid was formula fed and he/she is fine."

I have a huge problem with this sort of statement.  To say any formula fed child is "fine" is to argue that formula is "fine", ergo "the same as breastmilk" - and that is an outright falsehood.  People making these statements think that because their formula fed child isn't limping around the schoolyard, slurring their ABC's, then this is evidence that formula is a perfect substitute for breastmilk.  You'll find people like BackPacking Dad on Twitter making jokes like "Formula causes scurvy, leukemia, and libertarianism. Breast-feeding gives babies x-ray vision."  Very thoughtful and helpful, dude.  That was funny how he used sarcasm to undermine the real science and evidence we have on the effects of formula feeding.  Wow, what a totally smart argument.  (See, I can be sarcastic too.) ;)

First off, breastmilk protects children again unseen enemies like childhood leukemia and type 1 and 2 diabetes.  It also protects against asthma, dermatitis, and obesity, just to name a few things.  The next intensely important benefit of breastfeeding is that it helps protect mothers against breast cancer, ovarian cancer, Type 2 diabetes, and Post-Partum Depression.  No formula in the world can even attempt to offer those kinds of benefits to mothers.

If formula feeding puts women and children at greater risk for short term or long term health issues, then how in the world is that "fine."  It's not. Stop kidding yourself.

But here is where some people argue that mothers face such pressure to breastfeed that we need to lay off the "Breast is Best" mantra and support whatever choice they make.  To that I say "Give Me A Break."  Pressure to breastfeed?  Laughable.  According to the CDC, in 2008 only 7.2% of American Infants were breastfed exclusively to age 6 months.  That's it.  Shocking, isn't it?  7.2% of infants were fed according to the guidelines set forth by pediatric health experts.  So who in the world are these people supposedly pressuring women to breastfeed?  I see 10 ads a day for formula on television.  ZERO for breastfeeding.  I see a new article every week about some woman who was harassed or kicked out of an establishment for breastfeeding her child, and yet not a single woman has ever been kicked out of anywhere for formula feeding.  Does Not Happen.  You can't open any parenting magazine without seeing ads for infant formula splashed on every 3rd page.  We live in a Formula-Pushing world.  In 2008, only 62% of babies in this country were EVER breastfed and only 58% are still getting at least some breastmilk by the time they leave the hospital.  Only 20% of children in this country are given breastmilk all the way to 12 months of age, which is the minimum suggested by the American Academy of Pediatrics - (the World Health Organization actually suggests until at least 24 months.)  Our breastfeeding rates are dismal, and they speak for themselves.  So nobody is going to convince me that women are facing such pressure to breastfeed.  If you are facing pressure to breastfeed, either count yourself lucky, or turn 5 degrees in another direction and you'll find swarms of people waiting to give you free formula and a big pat on the back.

When my 10 lb second son was born, I couldn't throw a nursing pad without hitting someone who tried to convince me I'd never be able to breastfeed this child.  He's 17 months and I'm still nursing him today, no thanks to most of the people around me.  That picture to the right is the stack of formula sitting behind the desk at my own pediatrician's office.  If you go into the office with a breastfeeding struggle, you're given some formula.  It's like going to an AA meeting and being sent home with a 6-pack of beer, "just in case."  Even my pro-breastfeeding husband got frustrated one night and said "Just give him formula!" (and yes, he nearly lost an eye for that.)  If I hadn't been able to seek out hardcore breastfeeding help on these here internets, or from the few women I know who weren't afraid to give me that extra push, I'm sure I would have given up on us.  And it would have broken my heart.  I gave up breastfeeding my first son after 4 weeks because everyone convinced me I'd be so much "happier" if I just started formula feeding. They were WRONG.  I was not happier.  I was horribly depressed about it, and it certainly was NOT because society made me feel what I did was wrong.  Breastfeeding was a huge, painful struggle for Jonas and I, but if I'd had the support to make it through I know I/we would be better off today. The well meaning people around me did nothing but contribute to my failure, and I think it is partly out of ignorance, and partly to make themselves feel better about not breastfeeding their own child.

Why else would parents, knowing all the science and knowing it is a sub-par feeding solution, run around telling everybody else it's "fine?"  I formula fed, yes, I did.  But do I sit here pretending that what I did was perfectly the same as breastfeeding?  Absolutely not.  I would never, ever tell another mother that either.  What kind of favor is that?

I'm not saying that formula hasn't been necessary in some situations, and I'm not saying I would shame another mother for doing what she had to do.  I don't have any problem with a mother who feels like she needs some help from formula, so long as she's making an informed choice on the matter.  But I will not sit idly by and listen to mothers try to drag other mothers and babies down with false information, or even well-meaning misguidance.  As Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan famously said "You are entitled to your opinion.  But you are not entitled to your own facts."

For people who'd try to use their own anecdotes to convince others that their formula-fed kids turned out fine, all I can think is "Okay, we'll see" OR "Good for you, 1.3 million other kids this year weren't so lucky."

Breast IS Best - and no amount of tip-toeing around the subject is going to make that fact go away.  So I'm not going to tip-toe.  And if you don't like it, I'll give you the address for my pediatrician's office where you get all the free infant formula you can carry.  You will have no trouble at all finding formula-feeding support.  Look around you.  93% of the babies around you are being formula-fed by their mothers.

_____________________

Updated to add: After some commentors drew my attention to this article, I would like to change my language to say, no, breast is not just "best".. breast is in fact the standard, and anything else is simply subpar.

The Big, Hairy Vaccination Post and My Visit to GlaxoSmithKline

In case you're just tuning in, GlaxoSmithKline invited TFB and some other (what they call) "Social Media Influencers" to their vaccination production facility in Marietta PA last week.  They took care of our flights, meals, and hotel, and treated us with mucho respect as they gave us insight into their business.  I know you're wondering why they would do this, and that's a valid question.  I can imagine some people equating this to the "Nestle Family" blogger scandal, but the two are nothing alike and I'll tell you why.  We all went because it was educational, because it was a good opportunity to see some other bloggers and see how they felt about this issue, and because the general public never gets invited into these buildings so it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.  They were not giving us free goodie bags filled with their products, and they are not splashing us around their advertising in an effort to use our brand to promote their brand - unlike the Nestle Corporation.  I owe GlaxoSmithKline nothing for this trip - not even a nice review.

So why were we invited then?  As I understand it, pharmaceutical companies are intensely regulated about what they can say to consumers, whereas the people who tend to argue against vaccinations are hardly regulated at all.  Because of this, GSK wanted to bring in a few consumers (who happen to have a voice) to share the way GSK feels about the vaccination debate (in the most benign, can't-get-sued way.).  That's my assessment of the situation.  Their lawyers had their lips locked pretty tight, too. They would not allow them to mention the name of any product they make (so we had to deduce) and we were not allowed to take any pictures on the property (fair enough.)

They hosted us for a little over 4 hours, the first 2 hours being a presentation about the benefits of vaccinations.  In this presentation, we were given information about how vaccinations are developed, manufactured, tested, and finally released to the public.  We were also shown some graphic images of the effects of various diseases, and given statistics about the rates at which these diseases had been eradicated since the introduction of the vaccination.  For example: in what they call the "Pre-Vaccination Era" there were an estimated 16,316 cases of Polio annually*.  Since the introduction of vaccinations, 0 cases.  I think we can all agree that's a huge step forward for humanity, and given those kind of statistics it's not hard to see why the employees of GSK are so proud of the vaccinations they develop and distribute. 

But having said that, I couldn't let those statistics go without asking some tough questions.  I asked them if they had any data on hand to show the number of cases of Autism in the Pre-Vaccination Era vs. Today.  They did not.  I also asked them what they could tell me about Thimerosal and why it was still being used in some vaccinations given what some science suggests about it.  They said that the manufacturers have removed Thimerosal from most vaccinations, but not because they believed any of the science that suggests it's harmful.  They say they removed it because of the public concern, and they'd rather not have people avoiding their vaccinations just because they think there's something harmful in them.  I don't necessarily believe that, but it sounds like a fair enough answer. I also wanted to know what they thought of the health care professionals who are publicly condemning the new H1N1 shot, but GSK claimed no knowledge of such incidents. To be fair, I do think they were bound by legalities that prevented them from discussing the issue with me further. 

The second 2 hours of the visit was the tour of the facility itself.  If you've ever watch that show "How It's Made" you'd think was pretty cool.  To enter the packaging room, we had to dress head to toe in clean room clothes (<---we looked something like that) and it was quite amusing. This was the part where we were really bummed that we couldn't take pictures of ourselves dressed in this garb.  After watching the dozens of steps these little vials go through before they can be shipped, I can honestly say that GSK takes quality control with the utmost seriousness.  They said over and over, public safety is their highest concern.  I was actually very refreshing to see a team of people (scientists/pediatricians/professionals) taking such pride in their product, and showing such great concerned about the people who will ultimately be receiving these drugs.

That was the gist of those 4 hours, so let's talk now about how I feel about the vaccination debate itself.

I rarely, if ever, bring up the topic of vaccinations on my blog.  For starters, I don't have much fiery passion about the them, and secondly, I'm just not as educated about debate as I am other debates.  I can point you toward absolute science that proves unnecessary cesareans are dangerous, and that breastfeeding is the best way to feed baby.  I don't think there's much to argue about there (although the uneducated masses sure find ways to). 

But when it comes to vaccinations, there is a lot of science, and a lot of questions, and a lot of smart people cannot agree at all on which side to listen to.  So many health professionals disagree with which vaccinations are truly necessary, and which may have adverse effects on a certain population.  I can see both sides of the issue.  I understand why we should vaccinate, and I understand why some people refuse to.  Given that there is some room for debate in this area, I don't feel comfortable making a judgment call on it.  I do what I do and hope for the best.

I, personally, do believe that vaccinations have saved many lives and have completely eradicated some horrifying illnesses.  I think even the most hardcore anti-vax'er would agree with that.  And yes, it does scare me when I see an epidemic of people not vaccinating because I do think it is a public health issue.  Some other family's decision can have a direct impact on my family, and that's concerning, to say the least.  I will unabashedly say that I was quite upset 2 years ago when I was freshly pregnant with my second son, and there was a chicken pox outbreak at my first son's daycare.  Jonas had been vaccinated so I wasn't worried about him coming down with it, but I WAS worried about him carrying it home.  I never had chicken pox, and if I was infected that could have proved lethal for my unborn child.  I was a hysterical mess trying to figure out what I could do to keep from catching it and keep my fetus safe.  As it turned out, one of those millions of tests the doctor runs on you when you first show up pregnant is to test to see if you have immunity to the Varicella virus (because it is such a huge problem for pregnant women), and luckily the test showed I was safe.  I must have been exposed at some point in my life without knowing and developed an immunity.  My family tells the story of how I had chicken pox in my throat (but nowhere else) when I was a baby, but I never really believed it. However, the fact that I even had to worry about this potentially hurting my child made me very angry.  People think of Chicken pox as being such a harmless little external rash, but it's not so harmless if it severely cripples or kills an unborn child.

Having said all of that, I do not think that the lives saved are a free pass for pharmaceutical companies to do whatever they want.  When I spoke with a friend about this (who has an Autistic son and therefore no longer vaccinates her children) she brought up a very good point.  Pediatric health experts advise us to give only breastmilk and no other substance to a child less than 6 months of age.  Furthermore, when we do introduce the pees and carrots, we are instructed to introduce one at a time for fear that there could be some life-threatening allergic reaction, and we need to know exactly which one caused it.  Yet at the same time, some of the same experts advise pumping dozens of vaccinations (consisting of formaldehyde, egg protien, Thimerosal, monkey kidney tissue, and a myriad of other ingredients) into babies just an hour/a week/a month old?  That seems counter-intuitive to me.  But I'm no microbiologist.  Most of us aren't.  Of course, that's never prevented me from looking at evidence based information and making my own decision about something.  I just wish the experts could get on the same page so we don't all have to do their job for them.

From what I can gather about the debate, it's not that anti-vax community loves Polio and want their children to have it.  I'm pretty sure they realize what a devastating illness that is.  I think that the main issue anti-vax'ers (or even just skeptical vax'ers) have is with the number of vaccinations, the timing of them, and the ingredients of them.  If we can protect ourselves from plagues SAFELY - without causing autism, and without any adverse side effects - then we all win.... right? 

I dunno, you tell me.

______________________________________________

I'm asking you all to pretty-please be respectful in your commenting, and don't rag on me because I may or may not think any one thing about vaccinations.  I'm just not in the mood this week and your comment will never see the light of day.  But if you have something respectful, thoughtful, and/or informed to add to this discussion then I/we cannot wait to hear it.  Comment away!

Jonas says "Mommy said Bullshit."

Yeah. Today is by far my most humiliating day ever as a parent.  This trumps me crapping on the table while pushing my 10 lb baby out. This even trumps my 3 yr old yelling, in a crowded public restroom, "Mama, are you going CaCa?!!?  You're going CaCa on the potty!  Yay for Mommy!" and listening to all the other ladies in the neighboring stalls giggling under their breath. No, today was worse than any of that because today I saw a side of myself that makes me feel like a crappy parent.

Jonas's daycare teacher is no-nonsense.  Every time I pick him up from daycare I feel like I'm going to be in trouble for something.  Once it was because he peed his pants (and they have essentially a zero-tolerance policy on accidents.)  On various occasions, the parents (as a group) have been lectured on making sure our 3 yr olds can wash their hands by themselves, button their pants, and zip their coats, all without assistance, so it's easy to feel inadequate around this woman.

Today, I was in big trouble.  I went to pick the child up and the teacher said "We need to talk."  Ruht-Ro.  I have a hard time with confrontations, especially when I feel like I'm in trouble for something.  My heart starts racing, the adrenaline is pumping, and I have to resist all urges to turn on my heel and start sprinting in the other direction.

The teacher says to me "I'm just gonna come right out and say this. Your son never talks, but today he stood up, said he had an announcement, and proceeded to tell the class 'Mommy said Bullshit!' - and when I asked him to repeat himself, he said it again, even louder - Mommy Said Bullshit!!!"

I'm mortified.  My son is at preschool telling the class that I swear.  And worse!  Teaching them the swear words in the process!  I know the teacher isn't lying because after we got into the car I asked him what he said at school today, and he repeated the exact phrase to me.

Obviously he's heard me say this word.  I'm not going to try to deny it.  I have a penchant for cursing like a sailor, and as much as I tried to curb my behavior once I became a mother, I have obviously not done a thorough enough job.  Oh hell, let's face it.  I don't even try anymore.  I'm sure the children hear their father and I fighting (along with all the swear words spewing from my mouth in the process) and I'm sure this is adding to all the therapy they'll need someday.  I have told their father on 16 million occasions that I wanted to divorce him if for nothing other than the fact that I do not ever want to let my children see or hear their parents fighting the way I saw this type of behavior when I was a child.  It messed with me.  But the hyphenated husband will not entertain the idea of divorce, so I feel trapped, and I act out like a child.

So there it is.  I am just as white trash as the people that raised me.  I am the bad parent I never wanted to be.  I'm an embarrassment to the version of myself that was convinced I'd always be better than this.  You can take a girl out of the trailer, but all the hard work, telling myself I'm different, the private school education, the 4.0 GPA, won't take the trailer out of the girl.  I am no better than they.

So what now?  Well, today is the first day that I've truly considered getting back on Zoloft.  I've resisted the idea of being medicated simply to put up with my marriage and ease my temper, but I also realize that the "bullshit" sets me off a lot easier than it probably should.  And my kids are seeing it all.

Who are these women who don't get driven insane by their husband?  Who are these women who can look at a dirty floor, a floor that this husband has never thought to clean in 4 years of marriage, and not feel their blood boiling beneath the surface?  I want to be one of those people.  The problem is that my intensely feminist self sees "letting things go" as really just "putting up with things", and that I can't have.  I don't "put up with" or "settle" for anything, and that's the only reason I was able to drag myself out poverty, and the only reason I was able to marry a man who wasn't a cheater and a wife-beater like every other woman in my family.  I'm sure my husband is better than most, but I keep score, and if he's not putting in exactly what I think I deserve then we have problems.  Big problems.  But perhaps some Zoloft could gloss over some of those "big" problems, and help keep me from spewing expletives in front of my small children.

I suppose I could take this day and turn it into what they consider a "wake-up call."  But really, I just want to pull my son out of pre-school and pretend the whole thing never happened. Today is not a good day for mental health.

 *dialing the number for the doctor's office.*

Day Tripping With Some Sexy Bitches

I'm going to write two separate posts about my trip to Philadelphia to visit the GlaxoSmithKline vaccination production facility.  The first post will be about my personal experience with meeting other bloggers for the first time, and the second post will go into greater detail about what I learned at GSK.

I have never met any other blogger, twitterer, or cyber friend in real life before.  For the most part, the idea makes me a bit uncomfortable.  I generally provide full disclosure here, and also write some very opinionated, polarizing statements that I know other people fucking hate me for.  Online, I can simply hit "delete" or "unfollow" if I don't like the 'tude I'm getting from somebody.  In person, I'm forced to be my most diplomatic self.  We (me, my husband, my friends) call it "The Gina Show."  It's not that it's a fake persona, it's just me on my best behavior.  I think we all do this.  When you're a fucking asshole like I (sometimes) am, that can be soooo exhausting.  I also tend to take things pretty personally, and where others can fight with someone one minute and be shaking their hand the next, I don't operate like that.  Yeah, yeah.  I know.  I'm an immature little snot.  Tell me something I don't know.

I certainly had my diplomacy work cut out for me on this trip because I wasn't meeting any bloggers who share my interests, or rant irately about cesareans and breastfeeding the way I do.  I wasn't even meeting anyone whose blog I'd ever read (aside from Kristen, who was present for the tour only, but not at the hotel, so we hardly saw her.)  If I were meeting Melodie from Breastfeeding Moms Unite, or Amber from Strocel.com, or my Cyber BFF from Unnecessarean (or a bunch of others) I'm sure we would have gushed about all the same topics and been brushing each other's hair by the end of the day.  That's not to say we all have the same exact opinions on things, but we are certainly very, very passionate about some of the same things, and that provides a lot of common ground to stand on.  Also, by sheer virtue of having read each other's blogs on many occasions, we all (I think) feel a certain warmth and respect for each other that would facilitate conversation, empathy, support, and instant bonding in real life.  Well, I could be totally projecting my feelings onto those three particular bloggers, but I would be very surprised if they'd disagree with me on that sentiment.

But this was very different.  I had never read any of these other bloggers, and they run in a very different "scene" than I do.  Here's the list of women I met:

Steph at CreatureBug

Cecily at Uppercase Woman (thanks to her for the lovely picture of us all in the GSK parking lot)

Kristen from Motherhood Uncensored (who is 8 feet tall and 10 times hotter in person. Rowr.)

Devra and Aviva from Parentopia

Sarah from Sarah and the Goon Squad

Lori from Avacado8 (who didn't come on the tour, only to dinner, she lives in Philly.)

I was nervous enough about the whole trip, but I was trying to put me crazy-ass social anxiety aside and try to make the best of it.  I was off to a great start too.  As soon as I landed I got a text from Steph at Creature Bug asking where people were meeting.  We agreed to meet at the shuttle and travel to the hotel together.  She was quite friendly, I think we hit it off right away and we had a good 90 minutes of getting to know each other before we got to the hotel.  She had also never been to an event like this, so I didn't feel like I was the only person who didn't know anybody.  I was starting to feel a little more relaxed.  As soon as we checked in, we had to meet the other women for dinner right away.  All the other women we met knew each other very well, and had either been friends for years and years, or were at least very regular readers of each other's blogs and had met at previous blogging events.  They were also seasoned "monetizers" (a word I learned on the trip) meaning that this whole blogging thing was paying some bills for them.  That alone made me start to feel a little out of my league.

We sat down to dinner and before most people had their menus open Devra from Parentopia and I started talking about the GSK tour.  She made a comment about Big Pharma being "evil" (which, in retrospect, I think may have been sarcasm) but also mentioned that they can sometimes save some lives as well.  So I said that I felt the same way about cesareans; I love them when they're necessary and don't so much love them when they aren't.  Oh Gina.  Why don't you just keep your fucking pie-hole shut. (<-rhetorical question.)  So from across the table, Lori says "What was that?" and I am forced to repeat myself, knowing what was coming next.  She immediately stops the table and says "Okay, raise your hand if you have had a cesarean" and everyone except one person at the table raises their hand. 

(hint: If everyone at your table has had a cesarean, and you're NOT at an ICAN meeting, your cesarean-awareness-self is about to be hella uncomfortable.) 

And then of course the table broke into the "but-mine-was-really-necessary" stories and I felt like the Town A-Hole again.  This is where I shut the fuck up.  This is where I know I am not among my audience, and the kind of thing I write about (live, eat, breath, sleep, study, will-practice-law-someday-soon-for) is not going to be welcome conversation here.  Man, it's gonna be a looooooong night.

So I spent the next 15 minutes or so coming down from my social anxiety attack, and found a way to work myself back into the conversation (Gina, don't say shit about crunchy living.)  We ended up talking, joking, and discussing the world until nearly 11 pm, and it was a pretty good time.  I managed to blame my cesarean and formula feeding for my distance with my first son, a non-popular opinion again, but there was no spectacle made of it.

The next day we all boarded into a van and made the 2 hour trip up to Marietta PA for the GSK tour.  We had a lot of time to talk and joke about everything under the sun, and I was feeling more and more comfortable.  Perhaps I fit in after all.  I mean, these are moms, I'm a mom, we all have at least that in common, right? 

Well, don't worry, I put myself right back outside the circle when the GSK hosts asked us if we had any questions.  I asked about whether they had tested the vaccinations in groups, and if so, where could I find the results of that testing.  I asked about Thimerosal, why it was included in the Influenza and H1N1 vaccines.  I asked if they were aware of the study recently published that showed some devastating effects of Thimerosal, and I asked if they had been made aware of the recent findings by the Canadian Government that the flu shot was making people more susceptible to acquiring H1N1.  Of course GSK wasn't super jazzed about those questions, and I believe nobody else seemed to share my concern on those points.  (Oh Gina, you're such a trouble-maker.)  That line of questioning was talked about on the long 3 hour van ride back to Philly, and I was made even more aware that I was the only person in the vehicle who was still quite skeptical.  I was also the only person who felt that, if there was a real risk for autism, that should be enough to change the way vaccinations are made and/or administered.  The general consensus that I felt was that vaccinations save lives and there was no need to question the science.  Of course, being the advocate and analytic mind that I am, I say question everything.

Now, we all know I vaccinate my kids.  They've never missed one.  I do believe they have saved millions of lives and that vaccinations are a matter of public health.  But, I am also a die-hard believer in informed consent, and am sensitive to the reasons why some people don't vaccinate.  I would never suggest to one of my very best friends that it was okay her kid got autism as long as a bunch of other kids' lives were saved.  I think one case of vaccine-induced autism is too many.  I have a deep empathy for those who are raising special needs children, and I want to keep examining the science behind this until we know why this is happening to children, and we have stopped the epidemic.  So I spent a lot of time feeling like the only dickhead in the car who was beating up on those poor nice GSK folks (they were very nice, and I'll talk more about that in my next post.)

In summary, my first experience with meeting other bloggers was certainly a very interesting one.  I learned that I can participate in hours of conversation with mothers who are nothing like me, and I will not die of a panic-attack-induced stroke in the process.  I learned that until I know if everyone at the table has had a cesarean, maybe I should hold my cards closer to my chest while I test the water on that topic.  Not everyone can (or wants to) rattle off cesarean and infant mortality statistics the way I can.  And finally, I discovered a whole new subculture of this female/mother blogger community that I didn't even know existed, and in doing so, my awareness has been expanded.

So a big thanks to David Wescott for hooking me up with these women.  And stay tuned for the next post where I will put my head on a directly on the chopping block by talking about vaccinations.  As if people didn't have enough reasons to leave me nasty comments already, I'm gonna go and open that can 'o worms.

Duht-Duhnt-Duuuuuuhhhhnt.

________________________________________

(and so you now, GlaxoSmithKline paid every dollar of this trip for me, so thanks again GSK)

Wordless Wednesday

The Feminist Breeder Goes to Philly

Like I mentioned last week, I'm headed out to the Philadelphia area to visit a vaccination production facility. (yes, GlaxoSmithKline did come through with the plane tickets and hotel room, so I'm really going.)

Now here's where you come in. I'm sure I'm not the only inquiring mind around these parts, so comment back with any questions YOU would have if you were going, and I'll add that to my research.

And if you live in Philly (I'm talking to you girl-friend, and others) then let me know if we can work out dinner or breakfast or something.  I'm flying in on Thursday late afternoon, spending all day Friday either at this plant or commuting to/fro - then I'm flying straight out Friday evening.

I won't have a ton of time there, but the nice 30 hour break from my toddlers is well-timed.  Jonas (the 3 yr old) peed all over my freshly-cleaned floor yesterday about 2 minutes after he got off the potty and Julesy (the 16 mo. old) has taken to screaming bloody murder every single time I sit down (apparently I'm not allowed anymore.)

I can't wait to see how the hyphenated husband handles the two for the day while I'm gone.  If it's anything like the way he handles them when I sleep in on Saturdays, then the entire house will be ripped apart, he'll forget to feed them, and he'll be trying to put them down for a nap 20 minutes after they wake up.  Of course, he's already recruited his mother to take care of the kids while he stays outside doing yard work so at least I know THEY will be taken care of.  Lately I've been wondering why I even think he's such a great dad.  He's really been pissing me off.  He comes home from work a half hour late every day and then sits on Facebook while I try not to stick my head in the oven.  That's where he was yesterday while I was making dinner and watching my toddler piss all over my clean floor.  This isn't what I signed up for when we agreed that I'd stay home.  I'm not Suzy Freaking Homemaker.  And all I can do is bitch and yell about it, but that does no good. 

So yeah... I'll go to Philly.  And maybe I won't come back. 

It's Possible That I'm Being Punk'd

So I’ve been invited to fly out to Philadelphia next week, courtesy of GlaxoSmithKline, to tour their vaccination facility. The trip is unbelievably terrible timing seeing as I have 5 (yes FIVE) cakes due the day after I come back, and two classes that will need to be skipped, making my professors none too happy.

Going could not be any more inconvenient or impossible.  But I’m trying to make it possible.  I think it will be hugely educational (how often does one get to visit a major pharmaceutical facility anyway?) and the fact that it’s fully paid for by them means I have no real financial excuse to skip it.

Plus, some of the cool kids will be there. 

They’ve invited a small group of “influential” mom bloggers (don’t ask me how I’m included in that), which means I’ll finally get to meet some of these gals you see banging around the interwebs.  It looks like Pundit Mom is making an appearance, as well as Kristen Chase.  Kristen is the person that inspired me to take The Feminist Breeder to the streets after I discovered her through a Podcast wayyyyy back in 2007.  I’m pretty sure she hates me ever since I called her white (oh, wait until she sees how white I am! The husband says I glow in the dark!) but maybe she’ll forgive me if I bring her a pair of high-heeled Crocs.  Isn't the gift of Crocs the universal way of saying "Sorry I was being a cunt that day"?

They haven’t sent me the plane tickets yet so we’ll see if this thing really pans out.  I’ll be skeptical until I’m actually sitting on the runway.  It almost feels like all the head cheerleaders devised a plan to invite me to the prom, only to have me show up at an empty warehouse while they lay waiting in the bushes, filming the whole thing as a YouTube prank.

Oh, there goes my self-loathing narcissism again.  I doubt the head cheerleaders even care enough about me to play a prank.

Anyhoo, if there really is a vaccination facility in Pennsylvania, and I'm really on the guest list, then I’ll write all about the experience – don’t you worry.

Why Don’t Men Have a Choice? (Part 2 of 2)

Some time back I enjoyed a thought provoking post by a blogger I admire.  I don’t want to make her uncomfortable by naming her outright, because in this post I am going to (gently, if I can) disagree with what she said (scratch that, she's given me permission to name her, so if you want to see who it is, make with the clicky-click on that link).  I’m glad she posted what she did, because it was not something I had ever thought too much about before reading her position on it.

In her post (and I’m paraphrasing here) this blogger expressed her annoyance with people who had always asked what she wanted to “be” when she grew up.  She claimed she had always wanted to be a mother.  End of story.  Simply put, she never wanted a career, unless that career was being a Mom.  And she felt that anyone who thought that she needed a life plan outside of motherhood was being critical and disrespectful.  After all, feminism is about the choice to be a mother or not, right?

I certainly think it’s just fine if a family agrees that one partner should stay home with the children.  Sounds totally fair to me.  Marriage is a partnership, and families need to figure out what works best for them.

But what I find problematic about her position is this: How can you decide you’re going to be a mother when you grow up – and not a wage earner – before you find the person who’s going to give you babies and support you?  Do you know of a single man who got to decide this for himself as a child?  With women, it’s expected that they should have this choice. With men, it’s expected that they won’t.

Picture this:  Teacher asks a little boy what he wants to be when he grows up.

Little boy says:  "A Stay at Home Dad."

Teacher says:  "Okay, you want to be a husband and a father – great, admirable even – but what do you want to do, like, for money?"

Little boy says:  "Nothing.  I only want to be a house-husband."

Teacher: "Okay son, but you really need a backup plan."

Why does he need a backup plan?  Well, not to be insensitive, but his plans in life rely on a whole lot of things that are entirely out of his control lining up perfectly for him.  What if he doesn’t find a wife?  What if they can’t have children?  What if the person he falls deeply in love with either cannot support him, or she had decided at age 9 that she wanted to be the one to stay home?  Who gets to stay home?  Or what if his perfect wife loses her ability to work?   What then?   And let’s say all these things work out perfectly for the little boy.  What does he do in the meantime?  You know, that time between age 18 and whenever you meet your spouse?  Surely he needs to make some cash while he’s waiting for Mrs. Right (and their offspring) to come along?  Right?

But come on.  Boys don’t get this choice.  Okay, in some progressive relationships they do (like how mine started out) but this is not a societal norm.  The fact is, when kids come along, and one person can afford to stay home, it’s usually assumed by everyone on the block that it will be the mom.  People say “It’s her choice – that’s what feminism is all about.”  But where was Daddy’s choice in the matter?  Nobody ever mentions that Daddy should have gotten the option as well.

But why?  Some would argue that mom is better at it, and I would say that is just not true in our house.  My husband is just as good of a parent as I am.  In some ways, he’s better.  He’s more patient, and less jumpy.   He doesn’t handle the minutiae the way my Type-A, over-achieving, aggressive personality does, but he’s also a lot more temperate and rational than I am.  Who says the kids would be worse off with him (or any dad) at home?

I find the whole argument that “feminism is about choice” problematic in and of itself.  That’s all I’m saying.  I can’t quite figure out the solution to what I see as an unbalance, I just want to acknowledge that it’s there, and it’s strange to me.

These two posts aren’t meant to be any sort of hard line political statement on the issue (though I’m quite certain some people will read something into them and send me hate mail anyway.)  They are merely meant to be a written catharsis about my guilt over quitting my job and subsequently putting all of the burden on my husband to pay the bills.  Maybe if he made more money, and my joblessness was barely noticeable to our finances, I might not feel so bad.  But when everyone talks about how feminism gave me the right to stay home with my kids, the equalist part of me just wants to know what sort of movement will give Dads the right to do the same thing? 

I started to write a long list of things I think our society could do to “even” out the parenting roles, but I’m more interested in what you all have to say about this.  Tell me – can you imagine a world where it was okay, expected even, for a boy to grow up with only the dream of becoming a Stay-at-Home-Dad?  What do you make of that world?

(Before you comment, I will say that we can probably have a truly intellectual little conversation about this providing that nobody decides to take this as some attack on their Stay-at-Home-Mommyness.  It's okay to be comfortable with your choice, but to also question the meat and potatoes of that choice at the same time.  That's what I'm doing, and I hope you'll join me.)

Why Don’t Men Have a Choice? (Part 1 of 2)

I’ve been thinking about this for a really long time.  When I say I’m a feminist – I mean Equalist, because really folks, equality is what feminism is all about.  Some people think it’s all about promoting all that relates to women, and in some ways it is, but in my mind feminism is about promoting all that levels the playing field between the two sexes.  Part of this, in my opinion, means including fathers when we talk about “parenting”, and spreading the parenting equally and evenly between Mom and Dad.

(I don’t mean to exclude the alternative families here; I’m saying Mom and Dad as opposed to Mom and Mom or Dad and Dad because I want to specifically address the dynamic created by millions of years of stereotypical gender roles in a male/female parenting relationship – roles which the alternative families I know have managed to reinvent for themselves.)

Like this mom, I have felt some guilt around my recent decision to leave the corporate rat race for the time being to focus on my law degree, my kids, and my work-at-home business.  Even though my husband is 1,000,000% supportive of this decision, and felt that it was the very best thing for our family, I cannot help but feel like he’s getting cheated.

Why does he have to go to work when I don’t?  Yes, I know that being home with the kids is work, but it’s not like I do all the parenting and he does all the working outside the home.  We BOTH parent.  And up until a week ago, we BOTH went to the office too.  So everything was equal a week ago.  Now, my husband has to parent AND go to work outside the home.  Okay, you're going to say "But TFB, you also go to school and run your cake business!" and to this I would respond "So does he."  He takes classes full time too, AND holds a second part-time job reffing for Chicago Sport and Social (which is where he is right now), AND he helps me with the cake business.  So how is this fair?

For Part One of this story I have to give a little personal background on my complicated feelings about this.  I can tell you that it’s only somewhat “fair” for my husband to work right now and for me to be home because of our particular circumstances.  This doesn't wipe the slate clean, but it helps to understand how we ended up in our situation before I work out my feelings about the politics of it all.

When I first had my oldest son, I went straight back to work 5 weeks after my cesarean while my husband was supposed to be staying with our baby during the day, finishing his last year of school, and only working part time waiting tables at night.  We were both in school when I got pregnant, but I was still in my first year, and husband was almost done with his degree.  We were both in school in our mid/late twenties.  Neither one of us managed to get school done at the "normal" age - each of us for very different reasons.  I couldn't go to school at 18 like everyone else because I was too poor; he wouldn't finish school because too busy giving his parents gray hair.  So when we got married and decided to keep that pregnancy, the deal was that he finishes his degree and gets a job, at which point I could leave my job to go back to school full time and keep going until I got my law degree.  That was the deal.

Well, he kinda jacked all that up by not bothering to go to class.  Instead, he laid in bed sleeping while the babysitter (who was only supposed to be there while Husband was in class) took care of the baby instead.  Awesome.  Fast forward a few months, husband is flunking out of his last year of school, and all our “plans” are screwed.  I scream and yell that he owes it to me to finish school because I was going to a job I hated instead of finishing my own degree. Instead, he drops out of college the next day.  Oh, things were ugly in this house for awhile.  I wanted to kill him. Then divorce him. Then kill him again. 

It’s not that my husband is lazy.  He's actually one of the hardest working people I know.  He’s not one of those douches who sits in front of the computer and plays World of Warcraft all day.  He just had his head shoved so far up his Only-Child ass that it took him a minute to realize he was a grown, married man with a child, and this "doing-whatever-I-want" bullshit was not going to fly anymore. He had been deeply unfair to me, and he realized that, but not before it altered our relationship for (what may be) the rest of our lives.

Instead of divorcing him, I demanded that he get a full time day job, and that he not even think about going back to school until I’ve passed the bar.  He obliged.

And in the middle of all this, we were trying to sell our useless condo.  That wasn't working thanks to an awful economy.  That added an incredible financial stress that put us in a far worse situation than it had to be.

I tried and tried to think of ways for me to leave my job and go back to school, but with the husband having no degree and no experience doing anything but waiting tables, I HAD to keep working.  I made all the money.  I managed to get him a job in my office, but I was still the one with the better salary.  Another year later I decided the only way I was going to be able to go to school was if I worked full time and went to school full time at night.  So I did that for two years.  In that time I also had another baby, and then started a business out of my house to get even more money coming in.  I did this all while maintaining a 4.0 GPA  so I could keep my scholarship money flowing, and help guarantee my acceptance into a decent law program.

Two and a half years after the husband quit school, and two and a half years of me swearing that I’d better not even catch him thinking about college or I’d cut his balls off with a dull spoon, I did the unthinkable.  I let him start taking classes again.  In that 2.5 years, he grew up a lot.  He also found something that he had a passion for – something he’d actually go to class for and enjoy:  Teaching.  I let him start with one online class at a time.  He took two classes in the spring and got A’s in both.  He did well enough for me to trust him again, so now he’s back in school full time (while still working full-time at the office.)  If he keeps up this pace, he’ll have his teaching certificate in just 2 short years – right around the time I’ll be starting law school.

After running myself into the ground for two years, and only after we managed to shift ourselves into a not-so-desperate (yet still very rocky) financial situation, we decided it was time for my corporate job to go.  It was my turn to do what the husband got to do 3 years ago (difference being, I ain’t flunkin’ out.)  But this is where it gets complicated for me.

...For Part Two of this saga, I will talk about parenting roles, expectations, and the impact of it all on the feminist plight.

Stay Tuned.

Mothers are like Vampires...

No...really.  Think about it.

Mothers are nocturnal.

Mothers can sense when their loved ones are in danger, even if they're not in the same room.

Mothers can move faster than the speed of sound to snatch a falling child out of mid-air just seconds before they hit the ground.

Just like Vampires.

And today, I decided there's a new trait.  After trying, and failing miserably, to refresh my appearance, I've decided it's not even possible.  In the same way that vampires cannot change their hair, neither can I.

I went in to the stylist today and asked for my punk rock hair back.  I used to be cute.  Before people came out of my vagina, I looked like a rocker.  I looked on the outside what I felt like on the inside.  You could tell by being in the same room with me what I was about.  You could tell by looking at me that I played in a band and lived an exciting life.

But not anymore. No matter who I get to cut my hair, I cannot look like anything but a mother.  It's impossible.  Look at that haircut.  Could I LOOK anymore like a soccer mom?  I asked her for Punk Rock/Joan Jett in 1978 ---- DOES THAT LOOK ANYTHING LIKE JOAN JETT IN 1978?!?!!?!?!?  I would insert many, many expletives here, but I know some Christians read my blog so I'll spare y'all the blasphemy.

Apparently I will have the "Mom Bob" for the rest of my natural life now.  It's inevitable.  People will never again look at me and think "oh, I bet she plays guitar" or "oh look, it's that girl who played in those cool bands!"  Nope.  They will look at me and think "I wonder how many kids she has" or "yeah, she clearly never did anything even remotely cool in her entire life."

And with that, I will leave you with this video. It is hilariously, painfully true.  There is no avoiding it. Time to mix up some oxycotin and Jack Daniels, then drink away the pain of assimilation.  I'm a mom, and there ain't nuthin' cool about it.

The First Day of the Rest of my Life

Yesterday was the end of my career in Display Advertising Product Management.

Today, I woke up a mom, a student, a blogger, a cake business owner, and an activist.  I did all of those things today, and it felt great.  I was more patient with my kids than I normally am.  I felt more invested in my other work.  And I finally felt like I had the time and mental energy to focus on the things that are really important to me.  In the words of the formidable Ice Cube: “Today was a Good Day.”

Plus, my kids slept in until 7:30, woke up in a good mood, and cooperated with me all day.  Julesy did take frightening spill just before lunch time that split his lip wide open and soaked his (and my) clothes with blood.  ACK!  But once he calmed down, it/he was fine, and he ate lunch like it hadn’t even happened.

Then both the kids took a nice, long nap, and so did I.  Pure Heaven.

OH! And the greatest piece of news for the day was that one of my ICAN moms had her baby by VBAC this morning.  I was intensely invested in helping her get her VBAC, and have been laying awake at night worrying about her situation.  Her case was especially nail-biting because her OB actually dropped her at 41 wks pregnant last week (hello unethical!) because she refused to have another cesarean that she felt was not medically indicated.  Her doc told her she was killing her baby, etc., etc.  And today, she proved that doctor wrong by birthing her little girl vaginally without incident. Love it.

Now I will retire to rest up for my big Philosophy midterm tomorrow evening.  I just have to say I'm feeling really good about life right now though.  Yay life... You rule.

The Last Day

Today is the last day at my corporate gig.  I've been here since my now-3-year-old son was in utero.  I've worked here longer than I've ever worked anywhere. 

This is strange. I'm not running out of here kicking my heels like I thought I would be.  Instead, I'm digging my heals in and hoping this is one of the slower days of my life.  It will be too unsettling to wake up tomorrow morning and have no workplace to report to.

Everyone wants me to be happy. This is what I wanted.  But it's all too weird for me to be "happy" just yet.

I keep telling myself that I'm worried about the money, but with my surprise 401k liquidation, and the many thousands I just received in new financial aid, truthfully we could float for 6 full months without panicking.  And I'll only get more next semester, and I do have cake money coming in -- so we're really not that bad off.  Ultimately I don't think the lack of money is what's really freaking me out.

I think I may have to face the fact that perhaps I like coming to work.  Maybe I even like coming here.  I don't like it enough to change my mind and undo all of this, but I do want to recognize that this isn't going to be the easiest transition for me.  This place - this job - is part of my identity.

I've worked in an office for 13 years. And now, all the sudden, I won't be anymore.  At least not for awhile.  And don't ask me "So, what will you do with yourself?" because there is PLENTY to do (like taking care of kids, running my cake business, and keeping up my 4.0 GPA with an 18-hr class load.)

I won't be bored, that's for sure.  I'm just not totally mentally prepared for my life to change this drastically.  But I guess I better get prepared, because it's already Noon, and the second half of the day will probably go by quicker than the first.

And in a very, very strange twist of events, my boss from an old company wandered into the office today.  I haven't seen him in 5 years.  I say "what in the world are YOU doing here?" - and he replies that he's the new manager.  I would have been working directly with him again.  I always liked him too.  What a weird-o coincidence.

Now I'm off to my "farewell" lunch with my soon-to-be-Ex boss.

*deep breath*

Wordless Wednesday (Play at Full Volume)

Now This is a Choice I will Own

I got all bent out of shape some time back when my favorite uncensored mommy blogger suggested that people should suck it up and “own” whatever situation they are in.  Easy to say when you’re half-white, decidedly middle-class, and don’t have to leave your kids in someone else’s care 50 hours a week while you shuffle off to a job you absolutely despise, cursing the whole way, and plotting the ways in which you will make your husband pay for doing this to you.

But, I get her point.  She wants people to be happy.  And it's not her fault. She just happened to post that at a time where I was especially miserable with my circumstances, and wasn't gonna listen to anybody tell me I needed to "own" any part of it. I was in no mood.  I don’t agree that people need to shut the fuck up when they aren’t not happy, and I don’t believe that being happy is as simple as some middle class whilte folks make it sound.  But hey, I really do want to own my choice – so long as I actually have a choice.  I could bore you all with a philosophical theory on the origin of ownership and how it is not possible to own that which you have not purposely either cultivated or bartered for, but c’mon, you guys don’t come here for a dissertation on Locke, so let’s just do this the navel-gazing TFB way instead...

I think people are essentially responsible for themselves.  Sure I do.  I was raised in a conservative household.  You know, the kind of people that grow up poor as hell, but still vote Republican because they think that other people want to take away all the money they don’t have.  Yeah, those maddening people.  The Joe 6-Pack people.  But for all their mislead political alignment, I am bred with a “pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps” mentality, and that is essentially a pretty positive, Protestant, hard-working approach to life.  Thus, I work my tail off, and I take responsibility for the things I am responsible for.

But add marriage, kids, and global economic crises to the picture, and I think the waters become a bit muddied.  People are not islands, and sometimes the choices of others contradict what you may have chosen for yourself.  It’s not always as easy as walking away from their choice, especially when you are contractually or genetically bound to these people and responsible for their well-being.

So, for a very long time, I suffered through doing what I had to do instead of what I wanted to do.  I focused on work and fit school in where I could, instead of focusing on school and finishing my law degree.  I ached for leaving my kids, but I slaved over a breastpump all the hours of the days so I could do right by them even when I couldn’t be physically present. 

But now, I get to make a choice.  It is not an easy choice; that is certain.  It’s not like a Coke bottle filled with gold coins fell out of the sky and landed in my bank account so I could just walk out of my job without a single backward glance.  There is a lot of uncertainty, and a lot of second-guessing myself.  But, there came a point in life where my corporate employment was no longer worth the opportunity cost of the other things I was sacrificing in my life.  It’s very hard to come from poverty and not place an intense amount of value on money and stability. However, I am trying to focus on all the good this change will bring, and not feel suffocated by the $1500 deficit we’ll be facing each month: a deficit that I will have to find a way to make up with cake orders and school loans (and the money I’m pulling out of my 401k, and the loans we’ve already taken from the mother-in-law to help us get out of that condo debt, etc. etc.)
 
Even though we will not be comfortable financially, and I have no idea whether I’m cut out for being a work-at-home-mother , this is still easier than what I was doing.  This choice I made.  This choice I labored over and worked for.  This choice wasn’t made by someone else without my permission.  This one is mine.  And I will be happy to own it.

Look out world... here I come.

"United They Nurse" - Lactivists Make the Front Page

(Front page of the Saturday edition of the Chicago Sun Times)

When Reporters Listen to Lactivists

Yesterday I complained to anyone who would listen about a Chicago reporter inaccurately stating Illinois breastfeeding laws in reference to a breastfeeding in public story.  I was up at 2 a.m. this morning writing email exchanges with the reporter on the story in an effort to talk her into realizing the gravity of her inaccuracies.  At first she felt that Illinois state law didn't apply here, but I explained how important it is that Illinois breastfeeding protection laws are accurately cited in any case of breastfeeding discrimination so those listening to the story know their boundaries, and realize that this issue is a matter of law, and should be treated with sensitivity.

Thankfully, she listened, and when CBS 2 covered the story again today, she changed her language to respect the protections afforded to nursing mothers in Illinois.

Today all of Chicago's major news outlets covered the Nurse-In organized by Lauren Trost, which was attended by 60 mothers as well as representatives of the Le Leche League.  I think this has to be one of the most positive outcomes from an otherwise negative experience that I have seen in years.  Perhaps the tide is turning - but I think we owe a lot of this to the power of strong legislation that grants freedom through protection.  This couldn't have happened in a state that doesn't protect a mother's right to nurse in public, and it would have been a whole lot more debatable in any state that only has weak language on the subject.

But watch the video on the story - it will make any lactivist's heart swell up with pride over what Lauren & the Lactivists (that should be a band name) were able to accomplish.  Take one breastfeeding bill, add one jerk who doesn't know their place, then multiply it times all the social media outlets who will make a rally cry go viral, and you have some serious social change.  This is why I keep trying.  Now let's get this Breastfeeding Promotion Act passed and we can really make some progress!

Man, I luvs me some law.

Breastfeeding in Public Gets Shotty Reporting

Yesterday a Lincoln Square mother was harassed by a woman for breastfeeding her son in public.

Bad, right?  Yes. But what makes it worse? When the female reporter on the story, Suzanne Le Mignot,  doesn’t know enough about Illinois law to properly report on the subject.

From the story:

Trost says she always nurses her 7-month-old son discreetly in Lincoln Square. That's why she says she was stunned when a woman recently threatened her by saying:

"'I'm going to call the police, and then I said, 'please call the police,'" Trost said. "She said, 'what you're doing is indecent, there are children here.' And I said, 'I'm just feeding my baby.'"

Nursing a child in public is not against the law in Illinois. Trost says she's telling her story to reinforce that fact.

DEAR Ms. Le Mignot – nursing in public is not just “not against the law in Illinois,” it is, flat out PROTECTED by law.  In fact, Illinois SB 3211 provided one of the country’s strictest breastfeding protection laws in that it includes an actual enforcement provision, allowing a woman to sue any business who tried to deny her this right.

This is like saying “being handicapped is not against the law in Illinois.”  Hello? We have RIGHTS and PROTECTIONS.  That goes far beyond “not against the law.”

Please send your letters of disapproval to CBS 2 News regarding Ms. Le Mignot’s underwhelming reporting capabilities.  I want them to update the story to include the actual laws, and not their poorly researched version.

Here’s the one I wrote:

Dear Susanne,

Regarding this morning's story about the breastfeeding incident in Lincoln Square, I request that you get your facts straight.

Breastfeeding in public is not only "not illegal" in the state of Illinois, but it is PROTECTED BY LAW.  In 2004, SB 3211 established "The Right to Breastfeed" act, which includes tough legislation protecting a woman's right to nurse anywhere she is authorized to be, and includes an enforcement provision allowing her to sue for damages if a business owner tried to stop her from breastfeeding in their establishment.

http://www.illinois.gov/PressReleases/ShowPressRelease.cfm?SubjectID=1&RecNum=3291

Breastfeeding is a hugely important and highly controversial topic, and it is your job as a reporter to dispel the confusion and set forth the facts when reporting on a story like this.

Section 10: Breastfeeding Location: A mother may breastfeed her baby in any location, public or private, where the mother is otherwise authorized to be, irrespective of whether the nipple of the mother's breast is uncovered during or incidental to the breastfeeding;

Section 15. Private right of action. A woman who has been denied the right to breastfeed by the owner or manager of a public or private location, other than a private residence or place of worship, may bring an action to enjoin future denials of the right to breastfeed. If the woman prevails in her suit, she shall be awarded reasonable attorney's fees and reasonable expenses of litigation.

Please update your language to reflect the protections that women are granted, rather than just implying that what they are doing isn't technically "illegal."

A Concerned Illinoisan

Now, somebody tell me how I can get ahold of Lauren Trost because I will nurse in Lincoln Square with her any day of the week.  I swear I know this woman, I just cannot place her.  Maybe we were in a mom's group together at some point.  She looks pretty rock-n-roll, and we're around the same age, so I bet she's probably a friend of a friend.

I Predict a Riot!

UPDATE TO THIS STORY:  Well, my friends, letter writing and lactivism works!  Check it out! I smell progress!

The Feminist Stockholm Syndrome & What You Owe Me

I wasn’t necessarily angry about this.  I mean, yes, I was upset, but corporations are corporations, and I’m never surprised when they do awful things.  It is this understanding that keeps me working toward my law degree.  We need better policy and legislation.  So, other than writing a strongly worded letter, I didn’t let myself get too riled up about Isotoner firing a woman for lactating:  that is, until I started reading the comments on the story. 

Why are some women such traitors to their own gender?  Why (?) do women say things like:

• “I have absolutely no empathy for this woman”
• “Employers are not required to offer special treatment to women who choose to continue breastfeeding”
• “Reproducing doesn't make you queen of the world, no matter what you think”
• “Choose the difficult path to breast feed said offspring, should not introduce a burden upon others”
• “as a single woman without kids I get tired of being treated as if I don't exist”

Those are real quotes.  Real things said by actual women – the commentary on that story.

I hear this type of crap everywhere.  Visit the iVillage “Feminism Today” board, and you’ll see the worst of it.  When Sophie Currer, a 33 yr. old Harvard med student and mother of a 4 month old nursing daughter, requested time to pump during her medical licensing exam, she was originally told “Nope!”  That decision was overturned (thank goodness)  but you should have seen the comments from the so-called “feminists” in the meantime.  Seriously, I'm embarrassed to be one of them some times.  They said she should wait until she’s done breastfeeding to take the test, or said that it wasn’t anybody else’s fault that she got pregnant, so she should deal with the consequences, even if it meant sitting around uncomfortably engorged (and consequently getting Mastitis or an abscess). Or – and this was really the most laughably sexist of all the statements – she should wait to be a doctor until she’s done with this baby business because her breaks weren't FAIR to the MEN.

Yes. Women. Women said those things.  Here is where I sing-song my famous quote “Women are the Problem with Women.” Laa deee daaaahhhh.

So a MAN can take a med-school exam ANY time – even seconds after his child is born, but a WOMAN must wait a year or two to take her test, all because she is tied to her biology and society can’t be bothered to accommodate her condition?  I have a very, very hard time understanding how any person claiming to have a brain could say something so utterly stupid. 

But they don’t just say it.  They believe it.  They believe the patriarchies' version of “equality” and that amounts to nothing more than a truly infected case of Stockholm Syndrome.  I want to beat them over the head with expletives, but I fear the brainwashing is too ingrained and it won’t make a bit of difference.  They have suffered so many thousands of years of painful cognitive dissonance that they have wired themselves to love the patriarchies' hate for them.  It’s the only thing that takes the pain away, I suppose.  It is too hard to come out of the cave, see the light, and realize you’ve only been staring at a shadow of equality instead of the real thing.

When once upon a time women were goddesses of fertility, these new “feminists” tell us it’s our “fault” we had kids – that they shouldn’t have to bear any burden because we chose to procreate.  Oh really? 

Somebody please raise your hand and explain to me who will be paying the taxes that will sustain this country if there are no future generations?  I really want to know.  If you think you’re so smart, explain to me who's going to be wiping your ass at the nursing home, or finding a cure for your Alzheimer’s, or even driving the ambulance when you go into cardiac arrest, if there are no more people being born and taking up these jobs?  Who's going to pay the taxes into the system that gives you EMTs, and police, and transportation, and Medicaid, and Social Security?  Do you think that when you’re 80, the 80 yr old next to you is going to be doing all these things?  Obviously not.  No, it’s probably going to be a 20-something year old; a child born years and years from now - maybe a child born to my children.  So clearly children are not obsolete.  And wouldn’t you rather have healthy, happy children who were taken care of by their mothers/fathers and by society?  Wouldn’t you want the person in charge of curing your cancer to have those few extra IQ points and be in overall good health?   Well, you probably didn’t think that one through too well, did ya?

Okay, so obviously we NEED future generations, I think we can all agree there.  But you don’t want to bear them?  Okay fine, that’s your choice... but if you’re going to put the onus on the rest of us to raise the people that sustain this country – and raise them to be the healthiest they can be - the LEAST you can do is show a little respect to those who’ve taken on this enormous task.  These efforts should be subsidized, not shamed.  I’m not saying we should get a medal or anything, but in a civilized society, those who perform the services you are not willing to perform are entitled to compensation.  This is how a Republic works, don’tchaknow? 

I don’t give a crap if you don’t want kids, or you hate kids, or whatever your deal is.  But don’t you dare say you don’t “owe” me anything for having kids. On the contrary, if my offspring takes care of you when you’re older, or pays the taxes, or pumps your freaking gas, you owe me a whole lot.

Now, please pull your pretty head out of the sand and realize we're all getting screwed here - and not in the good way.

Forbes Magazine Interviews Yours Truly...

A few weeks ago I was interviewed by a journalist for Forbes Magazine on the plight of the Working & Pumping Mother.

This is a plight I know all too well.  It's not easy providing breastmilk to a baby you don't see 50 hours a week.  But I busted my butt, and made it through that full year of pumping at work without a drop of formula supplementation.  Luckily my employer didn't give me any hassles, and they never questioned a minute I needed to spend in the Mother's Room, but they didn't exactly provide me with all the resources I needed to be successful either.

They could do better, so I helped them do better, and it was a win/win for everyone.

The case that this article makes is that Employers can do more to assist nursing Mothers, and it only helps their bottom line.  Read the full Forbes.com article called "The Business of Breastfeeding."

Yay me!

PS. I'm the second Gina in the article (Gina Crosley-Corcoran), not the Gina from Lanisoh - but weird coincidence!

_____________________________________________________________

UPDATED:

Upon request I have added the document I created for my company. 

Download Mothers Room Info-Breastfeeding (1.36 MB PDF)

Feel free to use these as a guide in creating your own Mother's Room materials.  It is also important to order some fee copies of The Business Case For Breastfeeding to have on hand as well.

The Storm Before The Calm

Jesus.

Shit is crazy.

Work is nuts.
School is nuts.
Cakes are nuts.
Kids are nuts.
And I have a bad cold this week.

If I make it through this week without maiming someone, it will be by the grace of God-the-Mystical-Sky-Fairy.

This is what it looks like when you cut off a chicken’s head, and its body keeps running around the barnyard.  I’m beyond overwhelmed.  Besides all the stuff I HAVE to do, I really WANT to finish the ICAN of DuPage startup materials so I can get that out of the gate before our September 14th meeting. 

And then there’s this blog.  Oh poor blog, you have been neglected so.  No, of course I don’t have to write, but if I don’t write for a few days, it nags at me – like the feeling of having to go pee, but being too busy to do it.  If you go too long, you’ll end up with a bladder infection.  In my case, it’s a “too-many-words-in-my-head” infection, and the catharsis of this blog is often my only relief.

So, like I said, I started school again last week, and these are certainly the two hardest class I’ve had so far.  One is a political philosophy course with a 101 year old teacher whose rules are the bible and who, I can tell already, will be very hard pressed to give anyone in the class anything higher than a C because that’s how hardcore, old-school philosophy professors operate.

This oughtta be fun.

The second class is an ECON 201 course (Microeconomics) and (let me put this in big, bold letters so you understand I’m very serious) – I SUCK AT MATH.

I know the math teachers of the world are gasping in horror now, but those are the facts.  I’ve gotten through my whole life without ever learning how to multiply a fraction, or plot a grid.  But now, if I want to pass this class, I’m going to have to learn how to do both of those things, and a lot more, in the next 7 short weeks.  I had to buy graph paper for the first time in my life last week.  I found it in the “back to school” section, next to the crayons and glue sticks.  Is this what my life has come to?  Shouldn’t I be buying these things for my own children?  Aren’t I beyond this?

Apparently not.

If I don’t get a break soon, I might lose it.  I really might.  I wrote many, many expletives in an email yesterday to my fucking boss, and only had the good sense to delete them about 3 milliseconds before I hit the Send button.  The Husband took me out to eat last night to calm my nerves, and before we left I overheard him begging the 3 yr old to please be on his best behavior because mommy is not feeling well and she might get all screamy if certain people couldn't act right in the restaurant. Sad.

But tonight I won’t get home from work/class until 11:30 pm, at which time I have to decorate 4 dozen cupcakes in the theme of “Ralph’s World” for an order due tomorrow morning.

And then there's more class. And more cakes due. And these kids won't give me a break.

Have I mentioned that I haven’t slept in a couple of years?

September 15th.  Please, please September 15th, come as fast as you can.

***now where did I stash that few-year old bottle of Zoloft?***

The Best Souvenirs I've Ever Come Home With

Two years ago, my family of three went on vacation, and came home with this –

 

Well, he didn’t look like that at the time.  He was a blastocyte that would eventually become this smiley, beautiful little boy. But sure enough, his life began on that trip to Mexico and the Caribbean.

Two years later, my family of four went on another Mexican vacation and came home with this –

I absolutely love this simple piece.  As soon as I saw it, it made me think of my nursling and my ankle-biting toddler – one constantly cradled at my breast, and the other reaching for me from his place at my feet.  The husband isn’t one to spend money on things like this, but he also fell in love with it as soon as he saw it. He said it looked like me.  And it made him smile.

Now I look off into the future and wonder what my next “souvenir” will look like, or when I’ll bring it home.   What are your favorite/most important souvenirs?

Wordless Wednesday

  (find more images at BirthCut.com, Artist: Michelle De Mont)

On Surviving Sexual Assault...

When I was 20 years old, I suffered an attack.   It was not the typical scenario one normally thinks of when they envision rape.  It was not the kind of sexual attack that happens in dark allies at the hands of a hooded, knife-wielding assailant.  No, my attack occurred over lunch time, in a brightly lit stair well, at the hands of my well-dressed Supervisor whose only weapon was his size - and his authority over my employment.

Until now, less than 10 people are aware such an incident occurred in my life: those people being the attacker, those who filed the paperwork regarding the incident, and later, my husband.

So the story goes: I’m working as a temp for a prominent employment agency who assigns me for some admin assistant duties in the catering department at a large hotel chain.  The position has potential to become permanent, so I work hard and take on various special projects in an effort to prove to the managers that I’m worth keeping around.  I’m friendly with all the catering managers, and eager to make coffee, or send faxes; whatever they need me to do.  I have no education at the time, but I make up for my lack of credentials by picking things up quickly and going the extra mile.  They think I'm whip-smart.  This makes me feel special.

When one of the catering managers begins assigning me more tasks, and praising my work, I think I'm starting to see some success.  When he asks to take me to lunch a week later to discuss my future with the company, I assume this is the lunch where they offer me a permanent position with the hotel.  It does not occur to me that this lunch is anything other than strictly professional:  firstly because he has a fiancé and talks incessantly about his wedding planning, and secondly, I suppose, because I am 20 and incredibly gullible.  I have no reason not to trust him.

At lunch, he talks about several projects he wants to put me on to see what I can handle.  Then he tells me he wants to take me on a tour of the catering facilities so I can get a sense for where I’ll be working.  Once we are back at the hotel, he takes me to the floor with all the special banquet rooms.  When he discovers maintenance men working in the hallway, he says we should take the stair well to get to the next floor and avoid getting in their way.

What comes next makes me feel stupid.  I don’t see it coming, and for that I feel responsible.

 He opens the door to the stairwell, yanks me inside, shoves me down onto the stairs, and climbs on top of me.  There is a tongue in my throat, and hands ripping at my clothes.

For a moment, I am stunned.  I probably don’t even fight back right away because I can’t get my head around what’s happening.  I am 5’6”, 120 lbs.  He is 6’ 4”, 220.  It takes me roughly 30-35 seconds to push him off me.  Maybe less.  I don’t know really.  Time stands still.

I run back to the catering department, and head straight into the vice-president's office where I say I’m not feeling well and ask to go home.  He tells me there’s no more work left for me, so I don’t need to come back anymore unless the agency calls me again. Fine. Great.  I never have to see Him again.

I call my roommate from the lobby for a ride home, take a shower, and crawl into bed for a day or two.  I don’t tell anyone, or plan to tell anyone, for 7 days – that’s when the temp agency calls.

The temp agency tells me they have more work for me at the hotel.  I tell them I don’t want to go back to the hotel, but I’ll take anything else they have.  I can hear in the recruiter’s voice that they don’t appreciate me turning down the job, and this isn’t reflecting on me very well.  The recruiter ends the call, and I am afraid they won’t give me on any more assignments.

Fearing my job, I call the recruiter back and tell them I need to come in the office to explain why I cannot go back to the hotel.  I am sick the whole train ride down to the agency.  When I arrive, I first explain the situation to one head recruiter, who puts me in a conference room with two other recruiters and has me retell the story while they tape record the conversation.  All three of us cry, then sit in silence.

The agency feels terrible for putting me in the situation.  I just want to forget about it as quickly as possible.  Over the next few days, they notify the hotel, lots and lots of paperwork is filled out, and ultimately He is escorted off the hotel property by security guards (so I am told later by a Temp friend who is still working at the hotel.)

Within 14 days, the agency has a permanent position for me with a salary higher than any I have seen up until that time.  They are being especially nice. I want to move on with my life, so I take the position and put the incident out of my mind.  In retrospect, I am sure they are desperate to avoid a lawsuit.

Before this incident occurred, I could never understand why a woman wouldn’t report a rape or an attack.  I would see characters on TV shows or in movies refusing treatment and refusing to file police reports after an assault, and I’d yell at the TV “What is wrong with you??? Tell the police!!!”

But, when it happened to me, I initially told no one.  And now I understand WHY a woman would do that.  Being violated is a humiliating feeling.  And telling the tale is just as humiliating.  Women blame themselves.  And society blames women.  Even when we know we didn’t invite it, and we know this was not our fault, we think no one will believe us, or they won’t do anything about it anyway.  We don’t want to keep reliving it through a never-ending legal battle.  We don’t want our lives put under a microscope by jaded detectives, or by lawyers trying to make a case for their client.  We've all seen "The Accused" and we don't want to be Jodie Foster.  It seems so much easier to try to put it out of our mind and pretend it never happened.

But it did happen.  And it keeps happening in my head.  Not all the time, but enough.  And maybe I would feel better if I had filed the police report against him 11 years ago.  An attacker is an attacker, and you are not their last victim.  If I were ever to find out that He did this to another subordinate, I would feel responsible for that too.

That is why I filed a police report against my stalker.  That is why I’m putting on my brave face and handing over the emails and IP addresses and screenshots to the detectives.  That is why I am in contact with Integra and Comcast about this person’s account.  That is why I’ve told my HR department about this person posing as a co-worker of mine - and why the authorities have traced their IP address to Oregon even though my office is in Chicago.  That is why I will not plug my ears and pretend this will all go away.

This is not easy, and it is not convenient, and it will drag this ordeal out. But I refuse to be a victim. Again.

Announcing my Big, Big News...

I quit my job.

No, let me rephrase that: I quit one of my jobs.

When I posted last Friday that I had a big announcement coming up, 46 people guessed I was pregnant (jeez, is getting pregnant all I ever do around here?!?), 2 people correctly guessed that I quit my job, 1 person thought I started a new band (you wish, RE!), and 1 person guessed that I got a book deal (that was my absolute favorite guess.)

I handed in my resignation letter at 9 am this morning, and I’m giving them until September 15th.  After that date, instead of working in an office all day, sitting in a classroom all night, baking cakes until 3 am, and seeing my kids whenever I can – I will no longer be sitting in the office all day.  The rest, I’ll still be doing.

I will be a full-time Student of law, Full-time Mom, and part-time cake business operator – never in that order.

Leaving my day-job means being able to finish my degree in half the time, which means spending less money on school, and a shorter time until I’m making money again.  It also means not paying out $2000 per month in daycare, which of course means being able to see my babies while they’re still babies.

People have been telling me for a long time that the amount of jobs/responsibilities I have on my plate is just crazy.  It is crazy.  People shouldn’t do this to themselves. My health and my family are suffering.

But giving up a $50,000 a year job is also crazy.  Especially in this economy. This has been the scariest decision of my entire life.  I’ve been with this company for 3 ½ years, and leaving anything you’ve done for that long can be an emotional struggle, even without the financial worry.  Additionally, I have to say, the idea of being technically unemployed is really, really hard on my Feminist conscious.  It puts me in a very unfamiliar, unsettling position of being reliant on my husband for financial support.  But this marriage is a partnership, and I went back to work 5 weeks after a cesarean so my husband could focus on school.  It’s my turn now.  I earned this, and He's the first person to say so.

We’ve managed to work out a plan that will help us survive until I’m finished with school - HOPEFULLY.  A month ago this wouldn’t have been possible, but Husband’s mom (seeing what we were going through) stepped in and offered to help us lower some of our bills.  Without her help, we’d never have been able to do this.  I also applied for a “Loss of Income” adjustment on my school loans so I should be able to take out some more money for us to live on until I’m through with my degree.  And of course I’ll make more cakes... anything I can do to keep us afloat.

Now, please send me all the love and support and well-wishes you can because I am quietly freaking the fuck out over here.  I know in my heart I made the right choice, but my head is a little harder to convince.

~TFB Out.

CyberStalking and CyberHarassment are a Crime

Here is the letter I have written to the radio stations who posted the cyber-stalkers comments about me on their website.  I expect that I will be filing a police report against them if they continue their behavior.  I'm taking out names and details to protect myself from any more threats.

 Station Managers/Radio Personnel of (radio station name here),

This is a letter formally demands the immediate discontinuation and removal of all cyber-harassment directed at me, (my name here), by any involved member of (radio station name here).  The hosts/staff of (radio station name here) have recently given a new outlet to a known cyber-stalker by the name of (stalker name here) who has been stalking me for 6 years, making them responsible for the promotion of cyber-harassment on (radio station name here) website.  This type of harassment is a crime under state law.

The material and communications directed at me have been reported, and legal action as begun against one (stalker name here), a known cyber-stalker, a person who this station(s) has assisted in her continued harassing behavior toward myself.  If the staff at (radio station name here) continue to support this individual's cyber-harassment by posting derogatory or defaming remarks against me on their internet properties, whether written by (stalker) or by their own staff, legal action will be taken.  I demand the harassing messages contained on the site be removed IMMEDIATELY.  If these are not removed within 24 hours, I will report these actions to the authorities who are handling my complaint against (stalker).

I have been advised to send you this formal communication to make my position clear, and demand that no further contact be made with me or any member of my family, by any physical or electronic means.  Any further communications either to me, or about me in a public forum, will constitute continued harassment.

If you have been the victim of cyber stalking or electronic harassment, whether or not the harassment involves any threats or physical contact, contact your local police department to file a report.  Then visit Wired Safety to see what other action you can take, and how to protect yourself against further attacks from this individual or others, and tips on how to make your case. To view the Cyber-Stalking legislation in your state, visit the National Conference of State Legislature website.

TFB Won't Be a Victim - You're Not Worth It (The Stalker Confirmed.)

I've talked before about the fact that I've been in some high-profile situations that left me bloodied and bruised by hateful gossip.

Well, I'm once again the subject of some internet hate- but this time I'm not bruised at all. I couldn't care less.  I'm surprisingly zen about the whole thing actually.  I think with age comes wisdom.  8 years ago I defended myself the way a 22 year old would.  Today, I prefer to let people rot in their own egregious idiocy.  This guy is begging for a virtual hand-job from me, and I'm not giving it to him. I already feel like I need one of those "Silkwood" showers to burn his stupidity off my flesh.  Just like when I played with Ms. Love, being in proximity to this makes me feel... icky.

I also know who this "source" of theirs was, and she is a psycho-stalker who we had to block from our band's Myspace page yeeeeeears ago because we were sensing a very "John Lennon/Mark David Chapman" vibe.  Veruca Salt also banned her from their forums because she was clearly totally mentally unstable, and I've also recently had to block her IP address from blog from and my Twitter account. She was desperate for attention, and this dude gave it to her.  Good for them.  Let them all rot in each other's insanity.

I do appreciate those who visited their bullshit and stuck up for me though.  Thanks guys.

UPDATE: The psycho-stalker has been confirmed as the source of the email to TheBlockFM.  I knew from the second I saw that email that it was her, she's been doing this kind of thing for 6-7 years, and when she realized I was onto her, she emailed them again and copied me.  She's Kathy Bates, yo.  She's "trying to help" me and just wants to "be a friend." Holy total insanity.  She must have gone off her medication today, and I'm really not kidding. If anyone knows whether I can file a restraining order on her because cyber-stalking, please let me know.  I know that she knows where I live, and claims to have family here (though she lives in Seattle.)  I also want to know if I can name TheBlockFM in any legal proceedings since they are aiding her behavior.  If she loses it and hurts my family, I want the courts to know they were involved.  Please make with the free legal advice peeps.

Breastfeeding Bigots on Twitter (and the radio)

I want to share a letter that I wrote today to the station managers at LA's 92.5 KYHY and 1490 WWPR in Tampa after one of their radio hosts used Twitter to bash a breastfeeding woman at a Dodgers game.

Dear Station Managers/Producers at  92.5 KYHY and 1490 WWPR,

I am sure that your stations are aware of the power and influence of social media outlets such as Twitter.  For this reason, I would expect that your stations may be interested in knowing if one of your radio personalities is using a social media platform to spout bigoted slurs toward a minority group, especially if that group is protected under state law.

Anyone following a certain term or “hashtag” on Twitter receives an alert when any member of Twitter mentions that term. When DJ Tim Mihalsky began his afternoon of hateful comments at a Dodgers game yesterday, people all over the world saw those comments, including me. 

Tim began attacking a woman, via Twitter, who was breastfeeding her baby at the Dodgers game calling her “crazy”, “rude”, saying that she had “no shame”, and insisting she “go in the back”.  What Tim Mihalsky fails to realize is that mothers who nurse in public are a protected status of individual under CA  and FL state law.  Section 43.3 of the California Civil Code, otherwise known as the “Right to Breastfeed in Public (1997)” states that  "…a mother may breastfeed her child in any location, public or private…where the mother and the child are otherwise authorized to be present."  Florida's law dictates the same. 

As of this morning, it appears a second BlockFM radio host, Cassie Williams, has also begun calling the act “rude.” 

CA, FL, and 40 other states enacted these laws to promote breastfeeding because it has been established by every respected medical organization in the world that breastfeeding is the best possible way to feed our children, protecting against everything from diabetes to cancer.  California and most other states in the nation have specific state law to promote and protect breastfeeding as a matter of public and economic health.

When confronted by breastfeeding mothers and advocates all over the world, Mihalsky first said he was “joking”, and then went on to defend his position on the subject and insist he was exercising “free speech.”

As a pre-law student, I believe in and defend the constitution.  However, there is a difference between “free speech” and “hate speech”, and a radio personality with a morning show in two of the largest markets of this country ought to exercise more social responsibility before sending hateful comments into Cyberspace for the millions of Twitter users to see.  What’s next?  Will we excuse it when he tells the Women/Blacks/Mexicans/Asians to “go in the back?”

On behalf of the effected minority group, and mothers everywhere, I ask that Mihalsky issue a retraction, and be trained on the social responsibility and use of Twitter as a radio personality.

Sincerely,

(your name here)

Please send this, or your own version of this letter, to manager@1490wwpr.com and info@925kyhy.com and copy the offenders themselves buzz@theblockfm.com.

Get your riot on, people.

UPDATE!: Tim and the BlockFM crew discussed their outrage over public breastfeeding, along with yours truly, on their morning show. Here's a link to the MP3.  http://bit.ly/qG80d So his bigotry has followed him onto the airwaves.  Lactivists Unite!

ANOTHER UPDATE!: The bigot's comments have gotten worse, aaaaand worse, and now he's decided to bring his co-host/female lawyer on today's show to bash breastfeeding some more (again, breastfeeding in public promoted and protected by her state's law.) Stay tuned for more details and another letter writing campaign. I won't be listening it (I may gag) but please report back to me if you do.

Wordless Wednesday

Happy 3rd Birthday Jonas